I found this print by Lori Weitzel on pinterest and had to put it up. Isn’t this the truth? I deal with my mind every single day. It likes to justify and convince me that my bad habits are survival. That I need to eat until I can’t move or until I’m sick. That it’s just this one time, tomorrow I will be good. It’s as though food is oxygen and even though I’ve had enough, it wants more. And every time I turn it down and say no, the bully gets weaker. I imagine it takes a very long time for the bully to play a very small part in my life. So small, that he won’t even make it to the end credits.

I’ve made a list of all the reasons why I don’t want to eat too much food. This list is best written after eating too much, because for me, it’s more true and it hits harder. This list is helpful for when the bully or the lower brain works with me to justify making me sick. It tells me I’ve earned it, that I’ve had a bad day or that I’m not worth the trouble. It tells me that food will smooth things over and make everything uncomfortable go away.

One thing on my list is how dramatically different I feel. When I’ve had just enough food, I feel like I can do anything. I feel hopeful, excited, and optimistic. When I eat too much food I feel depressed, moody and hopeless. It feels as though the earth will open up and swallow me. It feels like I will never make anything great happen. Knowing the truth helps me to ignore the bully, it makes me stronger.

What’s on your list?

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

Yesterday we got down and dirty and revealed our 2011 vices; today we’ll wipe the slate clean and talk about what personal virtues we discovered in 2011.

What good have you done in 2011? Where do you really shine? What have you done that makes you proud of yourself? We know you’ve got it in you! How will you resound?

Follow along here. 

I’d say maintaining  and cultivating female friendships this year makes me proud.

I created a platform for creative women in my town to gather and have fellowship with each other. There are eight of us and these friendships are invaluable to me. They provide feedback, support and encouragement where I’ve lacked it. They make me feel less alone in this small hippie meets country town. We are different, but have commonalities. They make me feel loved and cherished. Almost all of us are married and some of us have children, and all of us run full-time businesses yet we make time for each other. These are “yes” women and I’m proud that I’ve made time for them.

The other friendships that I’ve maintained are with those I’ve known for a very long time. As I look over photos from the year, I see moments with them that we’ve created. Visits to their homes, to cities in the middle, to pumpkin patches and farmer’s markets, hours long lunches and birthdays. And again, making time and planning for these moments this year makes me happy.

And last, but not least. Getting together with online, turned real/offline friendships. Trips to DC and Lexington, holiday swaps and pod casts. These times are invaluable to me. We laughed until it hurts. We crack jokes at each other. I look forward to more of these gatherings next year.

Krissie gave me a challenge that I couldn’t refuse. To recreate my perfect day, write about it and then do it again. The thing about my perfect day is that it’s not fancy or extravegent. It’s a day where I get things done that make me proud. Things that, I assume, are second nature to most people.

And yesterday was that day. It was not perfect as the house still needs lots of organizational work to get to that maintenance stage. I’m okay with that. It was also not perfect because I still had to deal with life and a schedule that changes almost hourly. Again, I’m okay with that. Setting it up as a “go get em’” day, really transformed how I dealt with my feelings. If something minor upset me, I would brush it off because I didn’t want it to taint my perfect day. I also purposely and publicly have candy in the house (my next post) and I didn’t dig in when I felt unsteady.

The day started with a little last minute work at the computer. I put my exercise clothes on and was ready for the sun to rise. I made a quick trip to the bank and came home to wake the husband up. We went out for our first run in a very long time. I want to call what I did a jog, but it wasn’t. I was pushing myself. I also walked a lot too. It was so fun and freeing. I also loved that I did this without numbers. All I knew was that I needed to be home before a nine am meeting. Other than that, I would run, and walk when I needed to.

When I exercise, numbers distract me. This is why I rarely step on a treadmill or elliptical. And when I do I have to cover up the time clock because it distracts me and I don’t push myself. The same when I’m outside exercising. During C25K the challenges were great, but I hated knowing the time. I hated waiting to be told to run or stop. I know why this is, but I was more obsessed with that than anything else. So it was nice and freeing for me to just be outside and push myself on my own terms. I know that probably sounds silly and wimpish to numbers people. But, goodness I hate time. I hate knowing how long I have to do something, how many minutes I have left, or how far I went. I want to go until I can’t. And that’s what I did.

I’m seeing a trend as far as numbers go in my life. And it’s funny because my husband loves statistics and gets satisfaction from that. The numerical value of time spent, and comparing it to the next time and then the next. Calorie counting, numbers on the scale and minutes spent exercising are all distracting to me. They take away from the heart of what I’m trying to do. And for a long time, I’ve fought against my natural instinct by forcing myself to use numbers to gauge my actions. And on top of that, I would judge myself harshly for not liking it or sticking with it, thinking, I was  flawed. My point is, because something works for seemingly lots of people, doesn’t mean it will work for you. It doesn’t mean anything other than a need to find what does work for you to get the same results. That is all. It doesn’t make you lazy, unfocused or not dedicated. It just means you need another method. I digress.

I came home and put some bacon in the oven and went to answer a few emails. I burnt the bacon. Which was not part of my perfect day. I then decided on an orange and some toast with butter and jam. I got lots of creative work done and then headed out for a few more work related tasks. I came home and ate a bowl of vanilla bean greek yogurt and made dinner. Vegetable tortilla casserole. After dinner I watched The Office and passed out on the couch at 8:30. It seems that my 5-6 hour nights of sleep caught up with me.

How was the day perfect? I went with the flow. When I burned the bacon, got semi-annoying or upsetting emails, when my schedule changed, or when things just weren’t perfect. I didn’t drop the ball on the day. I realized and implemented what I already know to be true:  it isn’t want happens that matters, it’s how I react. 

I also took time to do things that make me happy. Simple stuff makes me happy. I went for a run. I took time to cook dinner. I made time to relax. I journaled throughout the day. I also made time to do lots of laundry and clean.

And finally, I realized that I work really well with a core plan for the day. And what I mean by that is, I have goals for the day that I do no matter what such as: don’t overeat, exercise, get work done. And everything else can move and shift as I see fit.

How was the day not perfect? I should rephrase this all and say that I know a perfect day doesn’t exist. This is fact. There will always be trash to take out, people will always be annoying, and there will always be dirty clothes to wash. But, I understand that I deserve the attitude and actions that bring me as close as possible to that day, on my terms. And when something goes unplanned, I’m ready to deal with it from that perspective rather than, “the sky is falling! the day is over! what’s the point? bring me candy!” .

I’m ready to continue figuring out how to make each day as perfect as possible for me. I find that what I love most is freedom. Freedom to choose how my day goes. Freedom to do what I love: design, create, cook, clean, exercise and be social. Being productive is a huge component to my happiness. I’ve found that relaxing time only feels good to me when I have work to back it up. Otherwise, I feel depressed and lazy.

And finally, I need  flexible daily plans for myself. I need daily reminders of my goals. I need journaling throughout the day. I need core, unwavering goals. Every day can be treated as a perfect day and can plant the seeds for even better, more ideal days down the road. As in, today I can get caught up with my design work and this weekend I can do something really fun. Or today I will take the time to make delicious and healthful food, so that in a year I can have a healthier body. I love the idea of being in the now and working for the future at the same time. Today I love cooking, tomorrow I will be thankful that I cooked. Today I will exercise, tomorrow I will be thankful that I did. Today I will be the clothes away, tomorrow it will be nice to pick out an outfit in two minutes rather than twenty.

And finally, I want build up days. Next Monday looks like a really good day for another ideal day. And not that today can’t be ideal, it will be in it’s own way, because truly, that’s all I have. I don’t know if I will have Monday. But, today, I can make that happen. I feel like each day I can give my chance to build and improve my days. I’m still mulling this all over. Ultimately I want to be the best version of myself that I can. I want to treat myself and act as if I deserve the effort, because I do.  I’m trying to be okay with living without rocks in my shoes.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

I debated what I would call this challenge.  I went back and forth on using the word “hunger” because it’s loaded. Because people in the world are actually hungry and do not have the luxury of eating when they’re not. There are also people in the world who deny themselves food when they are hungry. I first called it the “feeling it challenge” and then the “wait for it challenge”. And then a million other combinations of words that just didn’t feel right. So in advance, this challenge means exactly what it says: waiting for hunger to eat.

In the past week I’ve been challenging myself to 1) wait for hunger to eat 2) stop at the first signs of full 3) feel the feelings of wanting to eat outside of hunger 4) sit down and eat without watching tv or being in front of the computer 5) find something else to fill the need 6) eliminate guilt from eating. I’m realizing that when I wait for hunger, it takes less food to make me full. When I eat from habit or emotion, I will never, ever be full. This is profound for me. It is profound because I know how much food I need in a day. When I eliminate guilt, the power is gone.

In the past two times I’ve gone out to eat, I’ve slowed down. To drink water, to have conversation, to look around. I’m not stuffing food in my face. I’m making different decisions. When I’m at home, a different challenge arises, having food around all the time. So I make myself think harder. To write down what I’m feeling and to do something else. Anything that will make me happier than overeating. This challenge is not about guilt, deprivation or starvation. It’s about eating, stress free, and then stopping. It’s about moving on.

Yesterday I was more productive and happy  than I’ve been in a long time. I created a task jar where I write down all of the tasks I want to get done on post-it notes. I fold them up and drop them in the jar. I shake it a little and pick one at random. I do that task and nothing else. I was focused. And it worked for me. I completed 14 tasks. I was only tempted to overeat once (yogurt with dark chocolate peanut butter). I got stuff done that I’ve been sitting on for weeks. Stuff I was waiting for the “perfect situation” to complete.

I bring this up because I found something that worked for me. I’ve been making to-do lists and detailed plans using other peoples methods for as long as I can remember. I just don’t work that way. I get overwhelmed, I find excuses and then I just drop it all. I become paralyzed by methods that do not work for me. And the same goes for eating. All I need to change my life if is to wait for hunger. I know how to eat. I know how much my body needs to lose weight. I trust that in myself. When I count calories or eliminate food, it’s because I don’t trust myself. And I end up eating without hunger. Programs, for me, cover the problem. They put power in food, rather than me. I know it works for people. But, as I sit here, still in need of losing 150 + pounds, I need a new way. My way.

So if you feel like you might benefit from this challenge, I encourage you to leave a comment. For the next week I’m making a promise to myself that I will not eat when I’m not genuinely hungry. If I want to eat, I will write instead. I will sew a skirt. I will blog about something fun. I will decorate my house. I will hug my husband. I will do something, anything, that fills me up without food. This isn’t about counting calories, or feeling guilty over any food decision I make. This isn’t about nutrition, or avoiding food groups. It’s simple: only eat when you’re hungry without distractionsand stop eating when you’re full. If you’re in, I will support you in anyway I can. I will correspond in the comments. I will visit your blog. We can do this!

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

This is something I’ve wanted to work on for a very long time. I love the idea of art journaling through a process. This practice is a daily reminder of where I’m at and where I’m headed. I think it’s easy to for me to forget my goals on a day to day basis and let life get in the way. Creating this took about 15 minutes and it was just focused writing and doodling, which is so peaceful and mind-clearing.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

I’ve been reading so many books lately that are rocking my world and changing my perspective. I would like to consider myself someone who is open (yet reluctant at times) to evolving my opinion and changing what I’m doing. Sometimes I worry that people see it as flighty and at times it can be, but I like to be aware of what behaviors are and are not working for me. If something doesn’t feel right I either try to change it, or change the way I look at it.

What book am I speaking of?

If you read nothing else this summer, please read this one. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. I’m only a few pages in and I’m seeing the changes ahead of me. At first glance I thought this book was going to be about living on less, buying less and being a better consumer. And while it does touch on those subjects, Leo talks a lot about doing less. I could not have read this at a better time.

Lately (as you will notice from my lack of blog posting) that I’ve been a wee bit busy. We’re all busy right? Well, I’ve been piling things on. Saying yes when I should say no, getting less sleep, constantly trying to catch-up with my work and just trying to stay above water. All the while hoping that it would all take me to a place of productivity, more money and more freedom. I was wrong. I goodness I was wrong.

You remember my cough from a few weeks ago? I’m still coughing. I feel better, and the cough is less, but I’m still coughing. And the work that I am getting done feels rushed- a feeling that I’m truly not comfortable with.

In The Power of Less Leo compares two journalists. One who writes thirty articles a week compared to the one who writes only one a week. The first journalist gets praise from his editor for his productivity which boosts him up to keep going, yet his articles are not well researched. The second journalist who spends more time researching, writing and re-writing isn’t praised immediately, but respected. His article wins awards and propels his career. For a long time now I’ve the first journalist. And I really want to be the second one.

Leo talks about setting yearly goals; one or two instead of the typical 10-20 some of us (me!) set every year. He talks about trimming out excess tasks that aren’t getting you closer to your goals.

How is this related to weight loss?

My goal is better health through weight loss (or weight loss through better health!. It comes in different forms, has been mildly achieved, but still out there waiting for me to arrive. My banner begs to be changed to The Former Token Fat Girl. It’s the line blinking, waiting for me to type.

Just like a job that you show up for every day, a project with deadlines, or paying off debt- weight loss is a goal, a responsibility to myself to show up every day for, same as it were an item on my to-do list. I am just as important as the jewelry I make, the designs that are filed away on my computer and all the future interests I may have. I am more important.

My daily to-do lists make my head spin. They are paralyzing at times. They are unobtainable tasks mocking me from afar. The thing about my life is that I am my work. What I do to make a living is every bit apart of who I am. The ideas never stop. I don’t go home and settle down for the evening and turn off my creativity. When someone asks me to design a logo, if I’m lucky I will start to see how it’s going to look as a flash in my head. Sometimes I wake up with the design ideas in my head waiting for me to execute them. Often it feels like creativity is something I receive from an unknowing source. It just is.

But what I do have control over is how I spend my time and what is worth focusing on. I feel lucky that, for me, it is all intertwined. Being healthy, blogging, creating jewelry, designing…it’s all the same for me. It’s all creative, captivating and interesting. However, I’m at the point where I can’t carry so many torches. No matter how much I’d love to be a caterer, personal chef, interior designer, blogger, fitness guru, graphic design, metal smith, painter, illustrator, florist- all at the same time- I can’t. I have to let go. I have to focus.

I don’t want to mass produce jewelry, cramming in all I can the day before a show. If I only create a couple of pieces a month- pieces that are thought out, well executed and the best craftsmanship that I can produce- I will be happy, if not happier with my production. And with that I have decided to stop selling at markets and shows. I want fewer, high-quality items to represent me. Trimming the fat.

Next, there will be a major overhaul with my stuff. Getting rid of the excess, the unnecessary and unloved. The clutter that prevents the organization—the sanity.

I’m going to focus on less, fewer big goals with lots of small goals contributing to the big ones.

My big goals are:

1) Be healthy/lose weight and document the process here. To make myself a priority.

2) To create fewer, higher-quality pieces of jewelry a year.

3) To grow as a graphic designer.

Of course, I will still dabble for fun, but I’m going to stop trying to turn every interest into a career. I may change course next year and decide that I want to make handbags, or jars of salsa but that’s for me to decide next year.

Phew.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

You know what? Getting old is weird. Weird and confusing. I’d go as far to say that 28 is even more confusing than 18, if not more. At 18 I knew where I was headed: college. I knew what I wanted: to have a good time, to find a boyfriend, to hang out with my friends, to learn something new.

If someone had asked me when I was 18, what I thought 28 would look like, I’m not sure this would be it. And that’s not a bad thing. Really, I’m pleased as punch with where I’ve landed. I never would have seen Josh coming. A real living and breathing boyfriend. And a husband? What?  Or some time spent in a big city. Or even happiness and dare I say contenment in a smaller town than the one I grew up in.

I thought I’d be thin by now. I thought I might have a child or a fancy-pants-high-paying job.

But now, at 28 there aren’t clear-cut paths. There are so many unknowns, second-guesses and doubts that my head starts to spin the second my feet hit the ground in the morning. What will today be? Who will I be tomorrow? What will I look like in five years? Every single decision, step, choice is up to me. I never realized that at 18. I never realized that I was the deciding factor. I am the player in my own life.

At 28 I realize that my life is continually about self-improvement. And that’s where, mentally, I’ve been lately. Some days it’s hard for me to tell the difference between…am I crazy? wrong? right? justified? Or is it everyone else? Am I headed in the right direction?  Am I stuck? I’m always evaluated my last steps and planning for the next ones to come.

And I’ve come to finally realize that the big neon letters flashing in my background read: self-esteem. And my bank of self-esteem is low and is has been for a long time. I am understanding that my inner-critic makes life, decisions, relationships, conversations and pretty much everything much more complicated and difficult than it really is. I feel pain on a daily basis. Sometimes I can move forward and go along with the crowd pretending the voice inside me isn’t bringing me down.

The voice, my voice, tells me that I don’t deserve goodness. That I don’t deserve the effort. That I’m flawed. That I make too many mistakes. That I’ll fail again. That I won’t do it perfectly. And if you’ve been here, even for a little while, you’ll know how paralyzing it is. How much effort goes into defense and protection. How often I work to keep people away so they can’t hurt me. How fragile I really am.

And it’s all related. My issues with food and my self-worth go hand in hand. And I’m doing the work. I count my calories, I exercise and good things are happening. But, the elephant in the room is: this won’t last until I seriously work on my insides. Unless I love myself and trust myself. I have a lot of work to do in clearing out the voices, the doubt, the worry and every thought that tells me: you can’t do it.

Because I know, logically, I can. And I will. I just need to feel good enough to believe it. To silence the voice that tells me otherwise. A piece that fears feeling like I’m enough, isn’t going to be enough. There is a lot of love out there for me, I just have to let it in.

I started doing Jillian Michael’s Ripped in 30 and I couldn’t help but stare at the three women in the video (including Jillian, of course) and see bodies that were cared for. Strong, muscular, lean, fit women were staring back at me. And I wanted that. I admitted to wanting what they have. The self love and dedication that they each have for themselves (unapologetically) to feel and look the way they do. The pride they take in their bodies inspired me.

Looking like that does not have to come from self-hate or trying to live up to certain unattainable standards. I always thought it did. But, I’ve cleared out those thoughts enough to realize that it would be very hard to get to that point with negative self-talk. This isn’t about deprivation, thinness from starvation, or skipping meals, it’s about fitness and health. And I can see the difference now.

I can admit now to wanting that for myself. I do really want that. There is a part of me that fears that I will never look like that, and you know what? I won’t. But being fat and fearing never having a perfect body is no reason not to give myself the chance. To show up and give myself the opportunity for health and confidence. It would mean the world times a thousand to get to that point and to help other women just like me do the same. That’s what I really, truly, deep down want.

I save photos of women working out because it inspires me. I clip quotes and read them because they motivate me. I don’t want to be ashamed of this anymore. I don’t want to worry that others will think I’m (dare I say) shallow because I want to be physically fit and feel attractive. To be considered, hot even.

I want to bring that part of me here. The part that shares my inspiration, and is not ashamed to say: damnit, I’m doing this, either get on board or not. But mostly loving myself enough to actually make it happen.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

Portion Control Tips

This post of portion Control tips is a long time coming and I hope it helps me as much as it helps you.

Damn,  tonight I overate…again.

Once every two weeks my family and I go out for dinner. We were finding that we were going out too often so we decided to only og out once every couple of weeks to eat better (restaurant and fast food tend to be bad) and to save money. One side effect is that we have complete control over what we eat.

Well tonight I blew it.

We went out for Vietnamese food and as always we order a few plates for all of use to share. I sure wish I would have written these portion control tips before I went out. I out did myself and ate twice what I should have.

I tend to graze throughout the day and my major meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner are fairly small but when I get to a buffet or get a chance to share food I do not share very well. My portion control without fixed portions is tough. I never really portion like my wife does, no measuring cups or anything but without a plate to gauge myself by I tend to be terrible.

Here are 5 Portion Control Tips

1. Drink 1 large cup of water 30 minutes before you meal – The water will fill your stomach a little and start you thinking about the size of your stomach.

2. Dish up all food at once – The problem with how I ate today or any buffet style meal is that you do not know how much you are eating. 1 plate for 1 meal will make you know what you are eating without getting distraction.

3. Eat slowly and concentrate on all the fork or spoonfuls of food – We are supposed to enjoy our meals but I know that when I watch my kids or even myself I will catch us not enjoying but instead racing through eating a meal. Food is not to be sprinted through but enjoyed. Take your time, enjoy it with you and your family.

4. Eat only until you are satisfied – Know when to stop. Having that water before and eating slowly will help you understand how much food you need and to stop on time. No reason to eat to much.

5. Remember that this is not your last meal – Enough said. You can eat again in a few hours.

I am hoping that these portion control tips will help you. None of them are very inspired or earth shattering but as 5 tips go they are great to help you to eat better, enjoy your food and never have an excuse to overeat.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on 30 Minutes
• In Less Than 30 Minutes, Create an Optimal Youtube Channel for …

• Related Blogs on Breakfast Lunch
• Reduced Ldl Cholesterol Dishes : For Breakfast, Lunch Break And …
• Is there a term for breakfast and dinner mixed together? | AC Di …

Do you ever wonder if who you are is directly related to your size? What if I went through high school as the skinny cheerleader or the girl who actually had a prom date? I was told awhile ago that the reason why I’m so “interesting” is because of my weight. I say interesting lightly because I can think of so many people who are way more interesting and informed than me. I would call myself…interested more than anything else.

I’m curious, I love to learn, I’m passionate, and I’m excited. Mostly. But, I surely wasn’t like this in highschool. I was like most girls- obsessed with boys (a borderline stalker), and crying about drama with friends. I watched every episode of Dawson’s Creek and loved driving in the car (music up, windows down) with my friends. I have all the notes to prove it. I wasn’t academic, I wasn’t into sports, I wasn’t artistic, I was pretty much average across the board. I’ve always had a creative streak, and the desire to learn everything, but as I grew up those desires were slightly burned out with the desire to fit in.

But then I went to college and realized it was better to be unique and interesting than to be like everyone else. Wanting to fit in, slowly became a thing I left in high school. My dreams became bigger, and my desire to learn and try something new grew. I did a lot in college, I found my way in nyc (by way of my now-husband) and I have interesting friends. I’m comfortable with who I am now more than any other time in my life, but I realized that I’m not comfortable accepting that I am who I am because of my weight. I’m not okay with discrediting who I’ve become with my weight.

I am who I am because I listen to my heart. I listen to my instincts. Because I trust my path. It’s not because I have to shop in the plus size section.

My point of this post, at least one of them, is that for a long time I believed this lie about myself. I believed I needed to be overweight to care about anything else besides my appearance. I truly believed only shallow people cared about how they looked. And then it hit me: this is not true at all. I have lots of friends, many of whom are healthy AND well rounded. They are more at home learning or creating than watching the latest reality drama.  They are curious, thoughtful, and intelligent.  It’s not just about caring about your appearance, it’s about caring about your health and there is absolutely nothing shallow about that.

When I brought this conversation up with Josh, we came to the conclusion that there are many uninteresting people who are fat and thin and everything in between. It has to do with where you’re willing to go in life, where you’re willing to take your dreams, if you listen to yourself, if you enjoy learning. Not the size of your dress, or pants, or whether or not you wear glasses.

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat

I’ve been wanting to do some sort of a cook along for a very long time, and just never knew how to go about doing it. Basically, I think cooking is fun and hope you do too (at least a little!) and I would love to get in the kitchen with you guys a couple times a month.

Here’s my idea: I will pick a recipe to start (down the road I am happy to take suggestions!) as an assignment. We will have one week to complete the recipe and then post (with photos) our results on the same day.

To make the recipe a little more fun I will post a challenge for the recipe such as: you must use an artichoke in your recipe, or use one local ingredient, or it must be made bento-box style. I encourage us all to make the recipe your own and find ways to make it work individually. For example: making it vegan, gluten-free, made with whole wheat pasta, make it miniature, deconstructed, change the filling, make it low calorie etc.

All you have to do is leave a comment in this post letting me know you’re in and I will link to your blog on reveal day!

Our first assignment begins Thursday January 20th, making the following Thursday (the 27th) reveal day! You can make the recipe at any time during the week, just make sure you schedule your post for Thursday.

Here is our first recipe:

Bosnian Pita with Spinach Filling

Challenge: You must use at least one locally sourced or organic ingredient in the recipe.

Time to fire up those ovens!

The

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on fat