We’ve had some good eats this week. Steak, fresh produce, and new recipes. Thanks to you all for the supportive comments on my new diet experiment. I realize how defensive that post was. I’m often a defensive person (it’s on my list of things to work on) when I feel my motives are misunderstood or taken too seriously, but I guess that’s the point right? I will follow it by saying, of course, I will have grains again in my life and of course I will continue weaving and bobbing until I find what works for me. I’m using Paleo as a guide-line, but let’s be honest here…it’s not much different than say, South Beach or any other plan that tells you:
avoid white flour and sugar
What I’m looking for (and have looked for this whole time) is food sanity. Poking my head in Paleo this week has done that for me. And I say Paleo very loosely, to the point where I am going to just call it “eating better for me” because I’ve had portions of brown rice and goat cheese and ate two apples yesterday and a pure bar.
But here’s the difference: I’m not tempted to overeat. If I need food, I eat it. Yesterday when I got home from work around 2pm I was starving. So I cut up an apple and enjoyed it with raw almond butter and raw honey. I forced myself to eat it outside instead of at my computer desk. It was what I needed. Shortly after I ate a sweet potato with chili and garlic powder, sea salt and olive oil. For dinner I had veggie red thai curry over brown rice. After Zumba I had another apple with almond butter and honey.
On top of that, I’ve been very productive this week. And upbeat despite PMS. I don’t feel “foggy, groggy or tired”. But this isn’t about the first week of “eating better for me” it’s about…how long can I sustain myself this way? I’m eating food that love, I’m eating when I’m hungry, I don’t have cravings. But, I’m not expecting perfection along the road. I just feel like my steering is a little more steady now.
It’s not so willy nilly in my head. When I allow the sugars and the flours and the this and the that, I start justifying everything. Needing a little more. Needing another hit, another fix to make it all go away. Never feeling like it’s enough. Always wanting a second helping of cheesy potatoes, another slice of pizza, just one more burger…what about those muffins over there- aren’t they whole grain? And before I know it I’m diving head first into the food of the moment, that I just needed right now, justifying that it’s just today, today I need this. Tomorrow I will be good.
Here are the facts: How I’m eating, is how I want to eat regardless of what I’ve decided to call it. How it always looks in my head, but never seems to happen when I’ve got so many other tempting choices. It looks like sweet potatoes, meat, brown rice, stir-fry, thai curry, fajitas, butternut squash fries, fresh fruit, almond butter, goat cheese, fresh guacamole and salsa, big salads. This is how I want to be most of the time. When I elimate the choices I have a hard time controlling, I’m left with the better alternative.
I don’t overeat salad. I don’t try to sneak in one more bite. Wait impatiently for seconds. Try to find a way to look like I took less on my plate. Hide the leaves in my drawer so no one will see. I don’t sneak sweet potatoes in my purse or stuff apples in my mouth between green lights. I don’t turn to goat cheese, or bananas after a hard or stressful day. The banana was never there for me the way cake was. There is no guilt with thai curry or tandoori chicken, no second guessing a skewer of shrimp or a second helping of roasted local chicken.
There is a distinct difference between being frantic and panicked about food versus peaceful and content. I know what it’s like to be completely and utterly at war with myself over food. I know what it’s like to feel panic over the loss of control. The looming question, when do I start becoming what I envision for myself? When does it start? And the best question of all: Is it working for me? If what I’m doing isn’t bringing me closer to who I want to be then it’s up to me to draw up another plan and change course.
It’s not easy to change course when you want so bad for the current course to work. When you want to be the person who can bake cookies and only have one or two a day. Have them sitting in a nice neat container on your counter or nestled together in the freezer without them consuming your thoughts. You want to be the person who can have pizza without eating the whole thing. Or have the occassional special dessert with your husband at a fancy restaurant and not wonder…can we stop for ice cream? I want to be the person who can have pancakes on Saturday morning, slathered with butter and maple syrup. A pint of ice cream in the freezer for the once daily spoonful. The person who can casually be in this world, but not totally committed to it. One toe in with a foot in better choices. Who chooses to feel better, to not over-indulge when given the choice.
Instead, I’m racing to eat it all. All of it until it’s gone. Until there is no evidence of what I’ve done, because tomorrow promises to be better. Wasting entire days because I ate too much. Sleeping until the pain of too much fades away. I will be the same person making the same choices, but somehow, magically I will do better. There is a balance I’ve not yet learned. But why not give myself a better chance to succeed?
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