September marks the beginning of my favorite season of the year, Fall! I love you Fall, we’re good friends. I cannot for the life of me enter Fall without thinking of school supplies, apples, pumpkins, hay rides and craft festivals. And though it’s not technically Fall, the chilly mornings in Floyd remind me that it’s just around the corner. I have a strong desire to throw on a hoodie with flip flops and enjoy a cup of coffee outside. It’s gonna happen.
So goals. I was talking to my lady friends Krissie and Miranda via email yesterday and said something that I wanted to share here. A big something that has been bothering me and as soon as I wrote it, I felt better and realized that wow, I am really way too hard on myself.
“I would like to be more zen about my blogging process and not worry so much about negativity or advice that comes my way when I blog for me. I have thin skin, it’s bad. I care too much. And when I do go back and reread, I cringe. I cringe about failed challenges, promises and goals. I cringe that I continue to put myself out there and fall short. I cringe that people read what I write. My poor writing skills, my inability to stick with anything. It often feels like blogging puts a big flashlight on everything I do wrong in my life. I wanted to do a september goals post, but I’m so paralyzed about the public display of goals and failed attempts that it just makes me too sad to continue putting myself out there.”
And for reasons that I will never talk about in this space, I know exactly why I keep feeling this way. Inadequate. I lead my life like I’m not good enough because for many reasons, deep down, as good as I try to be, I don’t feel good enough. And honestly, if this doesn’t make trying to change your life and take care of yourself that much harder, I don’t know what is.
This is heavy stuff and I don’t put it out in the world because I want people to tell me that I’m awesome. My husband, friends and family reassure me that I’m doing good things. For the duration of my life I’ve been yearning for other people to validate me, to make me feel worthy. And let me tell you, if you’re waiting for the world to make you feel good about youself, you’re going to be waiting for a very long time. Stacked up against every other person in the world, you will never be enough. But for you, you can be everything. I speak in “yous” often, but what I mean is “me”. I’m telling this to myself because it’s blaringly obvious to everyone else, words that I hear often: you’re to hard on yourself. Yes, I know.
And even as I type this. I hear the voice in my head talking in a very stern voice. You aren’t good enough. If you ever accept yourself you will never change. People think you’re stupid. No one respects you. Why aren’t you doing better? You have to feel bad about yourself to do anything right. And it’s all bullshit. Because I dare anyone who reads this to tell me it didn’t take them years before they were success with weight loss, their career or whatever it is that they’re trying to be good at. Or I dare anyone who reads this to tell me that they haven’t made the same goal many times before it clicked. Or anyone to fail at something all the time. I fail constantly at trying to lose weight. But, my goodness it so does not have to define me. I choose to put myself here, I continue to make goals, because it gets me up in the morning. My potential excites me. I have strong hope, despite the negative voice in my head, that I can do whatever it is that I seek out to do. It may not look like it should, the path is bumpy and unreliable, but that doesn’t mean much. I’m not just a fat person. I’m not just a person who battles with the insane desire to eat until I’m sick. This isn’t all that I am.
Lawsy, that was a lot. I’m answering my own questions in these lengthy posts. The more that I write the more I resolve what it is that I’m seeking. And I know at the heart of it, this is why I continue to write here. Why I share even when it’s embarrassing to admit that I didn’t follow through, yet again, because oh my lord, do you guys really care? Do you care that I’m still here? Do you care that I make goals and meet a fourth of them, do you think I’m a failure? And if you do, should it really matter to me?
Should I care if you think it was crazy to start Paleo? Or crazy to said I wouldn’t eat sugar for a whole year and then six months later eat ice cream over the weekend with my husband? Or not worth continuing to make goals because I didn’t always get to the place I was headed? I’m writing this to myself now: I am worth every single goal I set for myself. I am worth the hope of being better every single day. And more importantly I’m worth the effort. Being healthy is the ultimate goal, and I so deserve the outcome.
It’s funny, when I started this public journey almost five (five!!) years ago, I thought it would be simple. I thought I would plug in my points, go to the meetings, and blog my experience. I lost 50 pounds in NYC, but I was walking all the freakin’ time. Weight loss was how I got around in New York, on my own two feet. And while there is no doubt a lesson in that, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been avoiding the elephant in the room: Dealing with my head first. I can start a million programs or exercise regimens, and while on their own, when successful may boost my self-worth, I have to decide first that I’m worth the effort. That has never been my goal. I’ve wanted to lose weight because I was teased, because some members of my family have/had issue with my weight, because I don’t feel respected because of my weight, because I worry what others thing, because I want my husband to be proud, because I want to show everyone else that I’m worth their time. If I don’t believe I’m worth the work, then even at 130 pounds, not many people will believe it either.
And nine paragraphs later. I’m ready to make some goals for September. Some are big, some are small and I’m okay with not being perfect. These are goals based on habits and activities that make me feel good about myself.
1) Keep a private journal. Writing is my therapy (can you tell?), it helps me to process information and sort through my feelings. It makes me feel lighter.
2) Cook more. I have so many saved recipes that I want to make. My diet is wide open now. There are no off limit foods anymore. I want to explore everything this month. I want to be in my kitchen every single day trying something new. I want to feed my husband and myself really good food. Life changing food.
3) Keep a food journal. Nothing helps me more than keeping a food journal. Especially when I’m actually doing it. I love going back to see what I was eating. I love challenging myself with questions of “am I really hungry?” , “do I really want this?” As always, you can follow me on Myfitnesspal, I’m Lorriebee.
4) Create an exercise schedule with Josh. We’re working on a calendar this month, I will share when it’s done.
5) Believe in myself and surround myself with inspiring thoughts.
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