Tag: Brain

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Brain Over Binge: Part 2: What I’m Learning

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I’ve come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I’m fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here’s an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I’m acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn’t mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it’s confusing to know the difference because I’ve learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn’t perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You’ve been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn’t lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It’s true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don’t want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I’m taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn’t want to binge. It doesn’t want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren’t me, my animal voice. It’s helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It’s also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it’s who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that’s all it is.  To me, at it’s heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn’t mean that my excess or binge eating hasn’t caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It’s taking practice and meditation. It’s not always a huge struggle because I’m not fighting my urges, I’m just sitting with them, but it’s still new to me. I still fear that I can’t do this or that I’m fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn’t perfect, and I’m becoming okay with that. I’m just riding it out. It’s been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It’s also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It’s totally up to me. I know that it isn’t going to be easy at first, and I’m prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn’t have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

 

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Finding My Groove

Today marks week four, day two of consistent exercise with Insanity. That is, 6.5 workouts, most of them are 40 minutes long. And I’m reminding myself that I’ve been here before. In the spring, I made it 14 weeks. I was seeing improvement and then it stopped. I don’t remember why exactly (something to go back and read) but I’m telling myself that this doesn’t stop when the calendar fills up or when 60 days are over. If I’m being honest, it will take a full year of consistent exercise for me to really be in a better place physically. Probably two. And then for the rest of my life.

In the past three weeks, my food intake has been hit or miss. I’ve been experimenting with different calorie counts, and I think I’ve found one that will work for me. On myfitnesspal (lorriebee) you work with net calories. This means if your net calorie goal is 1,400 and you burn 500 calories, you can eat 1,900 calories in a day. I think this is a great tool, but for some reason I’ve been struggling with the notion of eating all of my burned calories.

Myfitnesspal gives you an estimated calories burned, but I’m not convinced it’s accurate. I think I’m burning 400-600 calories during Insanity. But when I log it in, it’s usually more. And then I’d see this insane amount of food I could still eat. And for some reason that triggered me to eat beyond hunger.

So to calm my tender brain I’ve decided, which some research and calculating, that I will consume 1,600 calories a day regardless of how much I burn during exercise. Of course there will be some ups and downs with that number, but I feel good with that. I’m burning about 400 calories, six days a week, so that is a net of about 1,100-1,300 calories which is totally in the weight loss zone for me.

I also feel like 1,600 calories is a very reasonable amount of food for me. I can wrap my head around it and not be obsessive. I can move the numbers around easily to accommodate my day. It feels flexible to me.

If I know I’m going out to dinner or to an event in the evening. I can still have a 200 calorie breakfast and 400 calorie lunch with 1,000 calories to work with in the evening. Or if I’m in the mood for a bigger, 500-600 calorie breakfast/brunch sort of thing. I can make that happen too. It goes with my new mantra “I can have what I want, but I can’t have everything I want” which simply means that yes, if I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I can do that. But, it doesn’t mean I need to go out to eat twice in a day and then snack all day and have dessert after every meal. I just don’t need that much food.

Yesterday was my first day trying out my new set calorie count and it went so well. I even showed a two pound loss on the scale this morning from it. I woke up and had a serving of mexican chili for breakfast, and again for lunch. I measured it and estimated the calories. I hate two teas with milk and sugar. A small treat. And dinner was teriyaki chicken. I didn’t feel obsessive about anything and when I hit the 1,600 calorie mark I felt comfortable and done for the day.

I know this probably sounds like the ramblings of a man-woman, but I needed to share. Mainly to work through these fears I have of sharing and acting. I’m trying to change my inner dialogue and making this a positive journey. Not one of self defeating agony. Last night I was in that bed staring at my clothes hanging in the closet and I visualized what it would be like to fit in all of them, effortlessly. And then I visualized them being too big. I imagined that the sweaters looked like deflated balloons where my arms used to go. I realized in that moment that I can make all of these things happen, there is nothing stopping me.

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You Can Have What You Want,

…but you can’t have everything you want.

That has been my food mantra from the past several days. I’m trying to replace old habits with new habits and it’s hard. It’s hard because my old ones are so close. There are many days when I know that my habit to overeat is in a closet just a few steps away ready to be opened to rescue me from whatever uncomfortable situation I’m dealing with. Often that situation is telling myself “no” when so often I’ve said yes.

I know in the back of my mind that I can overeat whenever I want,  that option is always there.  I can throw in the towel and just eat more. When this happens my brain shuts off. There are few rational thoughts that happen when I transfer  food to my mouth. Often while the TV is on and I’m alone. These are habits that I’ve cultivated, rationalized, and made sense of in some way for many years. And now I’m left to immerse myself in other behaviors that are less self-destructive and bring me closer to my goals.

This is the hard part.

I’ve realized that action is not difficult for me. Counting calories isn’t the bear I’ve made it out to be. Making time for exercise everyday is possible, even enjoyable. But it’s often my head and my old habits that get in the way.

Right now, the lengths I have to go to prevent overeating may seem extreme to other people. So much so, that I don’t share. I don’t  starve myself, purge, or punish myself in any way, but I have to become someone I’m naturally not. Someone who plans.

My life  has become a game of chess. I know the next five to ten moves I’m going to make. I know what will trigger me and what I can handle. I can handle baking if I have a plan. Brush teeth, chew gum, clean bowl, put it away or in the freezer. I can handle having trigger foods in the house (which for me, is pretty much all food that is delicious) if I’ve had enough to eat, a plan, and positive actions throughout the day.

I know that if I don’t have a plan for my day, I overeat. I know that if my plan is to eat one cookie, and I eat two instead, I will eventually find myself full from and justifying my tenth cookie.

Interestingly enough my most productive days are easiest for me not to overeat. Overeating is not an isolated event. It’s my default when I don’t know what to do. When I feel lost, I eat. When I feel lost, I am sad. When I am sad, I eat. When I eat too much I become unproductive. When I become unproductive, I become sad and then I eat.

My days are filled, because making things happen distracts me. It gives me direction. It keeps my hands and my mind busy and happy.

There is a part of me that worries that I cannot sustain being so mapped out forever, and I don’t disagree. I’m using busy as a distraction for now. I have my still moments, writing this for example is stillness for me. Creating is stillness. My grand hope is that the more I create and cultivate these habits of not turning to food, the easier it will become. I will have created a new neurological pathway. I don’t need to coddle or protect myself as much as I think I do. I can be uncomfortable. Yes, I need to value and cherish myself. Take time for myself. Figure myself out. But, pushing myself to be better and healthier does not have to be unnatural or punishing. It’s okay for me to tell myself “no”. It’s okay to plan and give myself the best possible outcome everyday.

I’ve always believed, on some level, that not giving in to my every whim or desire was in some way self punishing. In some way against who I am. That I would lose myself if I tried to be different or tried to be better. But I’m realizing that the opposite is true. Who I am, at my core, cannot be found in destructive behaviors. I am not my depression. I am not too much food. I am not someone who doesn’t make things happen for herself.  I am not tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I am not procrastination. I am not my need to be comfortable.

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