Guess what? I have lots of food photos and thoughts to share this week! I think I’m due for a Wednesday, Thursday and Friday update.
Wednesday:
My favorite breakfast.
Total calories: 335 (two slices of whole wheat toast, 1/2 T butter, 1 egg w/ feta, spinach, 2 pieces of bacon)
Two oatmeal cookie balls (my own recipe, no photo): 140 calories
Dinner: my usual mexican fajita shared with Josh: about 899 calories
Exercise: insanity workout
Total calories: 1,275
Thursday:
Breakfast was four oatmeal cookie balls (my recipe, no photo yet): 280 calories
Lunch: spinach meat loaf sandwich with fresh fried potatoes (ate out with a friend). I ate about five chips, all of the meatloaf and left some of the bread. About 450 calories
Dinner: spaghetti with meatballs:
1 serving whole wheat pasta, sherry sauce, 3 meatballs (plus 2 more), Parmesan cheese, bread with butter, spinach salad with vinaigrette dressing. 700 calories
Exercise: Insanity
Friday:
Breakfast and lunch were the same. Egg sandwich with spinach and butter.
290 calories each. two slices of bread: 120 calories, butter 100 calories, egg 70 calories, spinach is zero.
Dinner was frozen pizza night for us. We both wanted pizza, but didn’t want to order out for a pizza with a ton of calories and too many slices. So we opted for a frozen pizza. While Josh was out at the store I put together some chickpeas and a salad to make the meal more filling.
I had two slices of pizza (I actually only at 1/4 of a large pizza- a first for me!!) with avocado slices on top. A half serving of Trader Joe’s Indian spiced chickpeas. A salad with tomatoes and vinaigrette dressing.
Total calories: 550
Dessert! I made a pan of brownies with white whole wheat flour and evaporated cane juice. More on this in a minute. One brownie: 143 calories + strawberries about 15 calories. Total: 158
Total calories for the day: 1,288
No exercise!
I have a few thoughts about making this small dessert. One of them is that I believe technically using sucanat (evaporated cane juice) is breaking my no-sugar rule. I am not in some state of denial believing that this isn’t sugar. I’ve done a lot of research on the product and the only difference is that it hasn’t been refined or bleached. It still has a lot of vitamins and minerals. But, sugar is essentially sugar.
My goal has always been this: to control my habits towards sugar. I overeat sugar. I used to find ways to eat dessert, obsess over eating more, and even secretly eat sugar. I don’t do this anymore. I don’t know if I’m experiencing a placebo with sucunat, but I just don’t binge on the items I make with it.
I ate this brownie and it was delicious. Anyone would think it was. There is little difference. It is a high calorie treat, but I was done with my one slice. I wasn’t obsessed with eating another one. I’m not even obsessed with eating one now as I write this. This has never happened to me in my life of baking. Ever.
I counted the calories, I didn’t feel guilty about it and I don’t feel any need to hide this from any one who reads my blog.
What has changed from not eating “real sugar”? When I’m out to eat, I’m never tempted to order dessert. When I’m offered a baked good, I decline. I don’t think “ice cream would be good right now” after I eat a hearty meal. I’m not obsessed or consumed with getting a quick fix in the kitchen with the sugar and butter I have on hand. It’s easier to say no because the decision has already been made for me.
If my sucanat treats become too much to control, I will stop baking them. For now, I see nothing wrong with moderation. I love baking, something I’ve sorely missed since I’ve started my no-sugar rule. And this allows me to get in my kitchen again, guilt-free. And maybe that’s the point. I always had guilt over the sugar of my past, but now it’s gone. It’s totally possible that the elimination of guilt has been the real change, rather than the switch in sugar products.
I don’t think most people take my no-sugar rule seriously, because I bend the rules myself. And that’s okay. Looking for natural sugars and not overeating is fine with me. I’m still offered peanut butter Easter eggs, cupcakes, cake, and ice cream all by people who read my blog. But the truth is, the last time I had a real dessert was on my birthday. And again will be my anniversary. I already know I want a nice dessert at a nice restaurant. I don’t want to gorge.
But my biggest hope through this year is that I learn to get by on less. That I don’t need to eat the pan of brownies in the kitchen. I don’t need dessert everyday. I don’t need sugar to survive.
And this isn’t just with sugar. You see those egg sandwiches up above? They are delicious. I could eat three of them. I wouldn’t feel good, and I don’t need to, but I could. Right after I eat I instantly want more. My brain is triggered. More more more. And I am learning to sit with it. I sit with my empty plate and dig into that feeling of more. As soon as I’m aware, it goes away. I’m not fighting it, I’m not talking myself out of it. I don’t feel bad about it. I just sit with the feeling. I trust the feeling, and it goes away.
I’m realizing that this is why dieting in America doesn’t work. I’ve tried so many diets that tell me not to have one small brownie, one serving of frozen pizza, eggs, bacon, bread, butter, a sprinkling of feta, a drizzle of olive oil. All of them valid in some way or another, I’m sure, but here’s the thing: it doesn’t work because it never goes away. I can avoid certain foods because they make me feel bad, but to eliminate them totally just won’t work for me. It never has. So I’m convinced where I wasn’t before, that counting calories, in a way, let’s me have my cake and eat it too.
I eat anywhere between 1,200-1,500 calories a day sometimes more. And I’m okay with that amount of food. I’m slowly teaching myself that it’s enough food. I’m never hungry and guess what? I’m losing weight!
Companies are spending billions of dollars on campaigns to sell their food. Food that isn’t good for us, so the way I deal is to either make it myself or eat small amounts. Josh mentioned that he was tempted to get a package of Jimmie Dean breakfast biscuits. I told him I was glad he didn’t because I would make him some and freeze them for breakfast. It’s not about never eating a sausage biscuit, but about finding a way to make it better. I will use local sausage and whole ingredients for the biscuits. I will count the calories in them, enjoy them and move on.
I’ve talked too much for one day! Happy weekend!
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