This is something I’ve wanted to work on for a very long time. I love the idea of art journaling through a process. This practice is a daily reminder of where I’m at and where I’m headed. I think it’s easy to for me to forget my goals on a day to day basis and let life get in the way. Creating this took about 15 minutes and it was just focused writing and doodling, which is so peaceful and mind-clearing.
As usual you guys never cease to amaze me. Who knew so many women would show up to yesterday’s conversation and share their experience? I’m not alone. And we can figure out a way to cope. And more importantly keep going. I found that the act of writing about my issues with PMS helped tremendously. Coming clean, as to say- here it is, this is where I’m going to need help. Writing is the best therapy for me. It makes me lighter.
I’m doing well. Hell, I’m doing good even. Yes I am dealing with 4 pounds of water weight, but who cares? 4 pounds is not the big picture. It’s silly. It’s water. It will go away and then more will go away and I will be a better person for sticking it out. My weight does not make me a bad person. This is a daily reminder. Being obese is not a crime.
And this brings me to my next topic: contradiction. I would say 100% that my beliefs and ideas contradict each other. This may be confusing to some people that know me. “But you said yesterday…” yes, but I changed my mind. Or I’ve decided that this and that need to go together. It’s just how I am and the way I eat is no different.
Case in point: Since starting “paleo/eating better for me” I’ve taken grains and sugar out of my diet. I’ve cut down on dairy, starches and simple carbs. But. But is big here. I will eat them. And have eaten them. While traveling and dining with friends over the weekend I realized how insane we sound. “No thanks, I’ll pass on the bread. Sure, I’ll have a drink. Gnocci? yeah, sure why not?”. What?!!?
Call it justification, but here’s the deal. I’m learning that rules can be broken and personalized. I know what is and isn’t a good idea for me. I skipped on bread and chose to eat a sensible portion of gnocchi. I was hungry, it came with my meal, I ate it. Yes it’s a starch. Yes I said no to bread. Aren’t they one in the same? Technically, yes.
Here’s another example. On our way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner. We both chose the home style fried chicken. Skipped the bread and skipped the starchy sides. Drank water and didn’t have dessert. In the past, I would have had the fried chicken with mashed potatoes, a house salad drenched in ranch, two biscuits, sweet tea and bring on the apple cobbler! The difference is notable and real. Is the chicken breaded and deep fried? Yes! I ordered it with green beans and a salad. Skimped on the dressing and gave some chicken to the husband.
Want another example? In Charlottesville I had frozen yogurt from Sweet Frog. A planned treat. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted a big cup of frozen yogurt topped with candy. So what do I do? I eat a very light breakfast of eggs. Skip lunch (not hungry). Have a light dinner (the gnocchi one from above) and then indulge in frozen yogurt. And topped it off with a long walk. I was even under my calories for the day.
I will have the occasional iced latte. I have brown rice almost every single day for dinner. I will put feta or goat cheese on a salad. I’m okay with all of these decisions because they aren’t what brought me here. 1 cup of brown rice a day didn’t make me obese. I don’t sneak around with salads with feta and the iced latte without sugar? We have a solid friendship. If I said no to all of these things, I wouldn’t last a week. I would be sad and cry a little. They aren’t the problem.
Pints of ice cream. Large frozen pizzas. Ordering meals with the most food. Stuffing myself. Snacks. Eating without hunger. Starting over…tomorrow will be better. I will be healthier next week. This mentality brought me to obesity. Consuming so much that I can’t move is the problem.
I’m slowly getting the point. Making better decisions. Planning. And while it may all sound like one big contradiction, it’s working for me. I know where to say no and where to say yes and the biggest point? I’m okay with it all. Being okay with the decision to eat a big bowl of frozen yogurt stops me from wanting more. It keeps me present. I’m here, I’m enjoying this and when it’s gone I can go on with my life.
I have events and dinners going on all the time. If I go to a friends house and they serve me a big plate of grains or lasagna, I’m not going to turn my nose up and say “ewww carbs!” I will enjoy, stop when I’m full and move on. I may eat lighter during the day or make sure I exercise or say no to dessert.
This is why I don’t like telling people what I’m doing because it doesn’t make much sense. In total. I’m eating less. I’m being pickier. I’m avoiding triggers. And if faced with something particularly delicious. I feel like I can enjoy it and move on with a plan of action. I can stick with the low grains/sugar thing most of the time. At home, it’s no big deal. And that’s when it matters most. What I do most of the time is more important than what I do on occasion.