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And the Cycle Starts

If talk about PMS or hormones make you squeamish, you might want to skip this post because I’m about to lay it all out.

I have really bad PMS.

And I don’t think there are many women out there that talk about it. When I talk about PMS or period woes in general other women seem to give me a look that says “yeah? what’s new?” or a look that seems to say “deal with it” or “I can’t believe you’re complaining about PMS”.  Looks aside, I want to know that I’m not alone, so I write this here because sometimes when a doctor asks me why I have trouble with eating, I want to ask them…is there anything you can do about PMS?

And while I take full responsibilty for my actions. Food doesn’t just go from hand to mouth on it’s own- I find the forces of nature to be a huge struggle for me when it comes to weight loss.

Here’s what I mean…

You know that in the past two weeks I lost 10 pounds? I’ve documented my food on myfitnesspal.com and my thoughts here. For the past two weeks I’ve been indifferent to food. I took out the triggers and was seeing real results from it. I was going about my day working away at my desk and I would think “oh! I’m hungry. Time to eat…” and that was that. And then I’d go on without any obsessive thoughts about food.

And while taking out the triggers has helped (a lot) I can’t help but think that starting this new plan  during and right after my period made it that much easier. I was not battling hormones.

Here we are two weeks before my next period and I’m dealing with a strong desire to overeat. Part of me thinks “see this is what happens when you cut out delicious simple carbs! they come back and haunt you!” but I’m not and I wasn’t deprived. I eat what I want and what is delicious to me.

But this week, I want to eat everything in site. I’m bloated. I have feelings of hopelessness. I’m struggling with focus. I’m in the part of the cycle where it wouldn’t be just a taste of anything. One donut, or one slice of pizza would not satisfy me. It would need to be all or nothing.

And this is why losing weight is a struggle. For two weeks of the month, I could care less about food. I drop weight. 10 pounds is easy. And then hormone week stomps right on in. I’m retaining water. Before I know it I’m back up four pounds. And then I eat. And I’m back up another four pounds. And then I get sad and frustrated because yet again…I’ve lost and gained the same ten pounds– so then I eat. A day later I’m back right where I started. And this my friends, is my struggle. And I’ve never shared this portion of my issues.

For fear of advice, that “well, if you just did this…” or “if you weren’t doing that” or the “you’re doing it all wrong!” .

What I’ve decided to do is share. And that is right. I’ve also decided on an action plan. A two week action plan to get me through until I’m back to feeling normal about food.

It involves exercise, protein, fresh fruit and vegetables, plenty of sleep, journaling (lots of writing!), meditation and checking in with myself daily. I won’t let these two weeks derail my process. So what if I’m dealing with a little water bloat? It will go away and I will continue losing weight.

What I won’t do is bake, sneak around, or eat trigger foods. That’s the cycle.

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A Weekend in Charlottesville

Our weekend was spent a couple hours north in Charlottesville for Josh’s birthday and a friend meetup for Harry Potter. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate his birthday than with good food, sites, friends and drinks. We even made a stop into the pawn shop  for birthday gifts such as a new tuner, guitar picks and a baby blue ukulele.  And it wouldn’t be a trip to Charlottesville without a visit to TJ’s house in Monticello.

A really nice triangle room at the Omni Charlottesville.

Chicken Tikka Masala from Himalayan Fusion

Mango Mojito.

Downtown Mall.

First Pimm’s cup.

Ashley and Marques!

Ashley’s brats and waffles from Zinc.

My roasted chicken, gnocchi and crispy mushrooms.

Josh’s steak with potato gratin and onions.

Marques’s trout with cauliflower.

Grilled pork vermicelli from Saigon (my very very favorite Charlottesville meal)

Didn’t get to see katheats, they were closed on Sunday.

Monticello grounds.

Monticello

See you soon Charlottesville!

 

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Feeling Normal

I had my first taste of what a normal day of eating could be like for me in the future. Yesterday was one of those days that had “balance” written all over it. And the elation I feel over something so simple, is hard to explain.

Balance over making the right choices, not over indulging, eating what I wanted, stopping when I was full, passing on dessert and being okay about it all. It feels normal to me. Just like breathing or sleeping, I want the ability to not feel guilty, moving on and not being consumed. None of that “tomorrow I will be better” stuff.

Here’s what I mean…

Yesterday morning I woke up and had two eggs fried in a little olive oil. Followed with my usual glasses of ice water. I was full and satisfied until a little after noon. It was exactly what I wanted. Just eggs.

When I came home I fought a small urge to eat out, but knew I had food at home to eat. I threw together a delicious salad filled with lettuce, feta, a whole avocado, chicken, salsa and onions. It was amazing, healthy, and cheap. I was also full.

When I got home around 4pm.  I was faintly hungry so I ate a few unsalted peanuts  to tide me over.

Knowing that I had friends coming over at 6:30 I threw together a quick goat cheese dip served with Mary’s Gone wheat free crackers. I ate a couple for quality control and out of hunger.

My friends arrived with a delicious array of food. I had a small slice of spanakopita made with kale, a lemon/poppy savory cheese muffin, a couple of wheat free crackers with goat cheese and habanero jelly. It was all delicious. I was hungry. I didn’t have dessert. I didn’t feel guilty for eating when I was genuinely hungry. And I didn’t mindlessly eat at the table or once everyone was gone. I didn’t even want to.

This on a day when I was slightly sleep deprived. Woke up at 5am to work. Then worked straight all day. But, I could handle my stress. The day didn’t gobble me up like I think they sometimes do. I didn’t feel a need to turn to food because I had a long day. And it’s weird to say that.

I calculated my calories for the day and was at around 1,400. Not bad. I also didn’t have the feeling of “well, I screwed up. Let’s eat!” that I normally default to. There was a brief concern that the dessert would be left with me, and I had a back up plan. I honestly didn’t want to eat it, I didn’t want to grogginess that comes with it.

I know all of this inner thought seems a little much for someone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about. And while I won’t be eating flour and sugar today because I did yesterday. It was nice to  have my first taste of what it will be like to have days like that. To feel the balance. Normal. Not out of control. But I don’t totally trust it yet. Knowing when to stop.

I couldn’t help but think  that this is how people do it. This is how they stay thin, lose weight, maintain…you get my point. It was a matter of playing my cards in a different way. It wasn’t all or nothing. It was a little of this and none of that and moving on.

And the weight is steadily coming off. I’m now down 9 pounds and it’s motivating me. Feeling good is motivating me even more. Knowing what the alternative is, is no longer appealing. The minutes of satisfaction from eating sweets and over eating does not make up for the hours of misery it causes. The bloat, the foggy head, the sickness. Not to mention all the stress that being obese causes in my life.

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