Tag: Grains

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Contradiction

As usual you guys never cease to amaze me. Who knew so many women would show up to yesterday’s conversation and share their experience? I’m not alone. And we can figure out a way to cope. And more importantly keep going. I found that  the act of writing about my issues with PMS helped tremendously. Coming clean, as to say- here it is, this is where I’m going to need help. Writing is the best therapy for me. It makes me lighter.

I’m doing well. Hell, I’m doing good even. Yes I am dealing with 4 pounds of water weight, but who cares? 4 pounds is not the big picture. It’s silly. It’s water. It will go away and then more will go away and I will be a better person for sticking it out. My weight does not make me a bad person. This is a daily reminder. Being obese is not a crime.

And this brings me to my next topic: contradiction. I would say 100% that my beliefs and ideas contradict each other. This may be confusing to some people that know me. “But you said yesterday…” yes, but I changed my mind. Or I’ve decided that this and that need to go together. It’s just how I am and the way I eat is no different.

Case in point: Since starting “paleo/eating better for me” I’ve taken grains and sugar out of my diet. I’ve cut down on dairy, starches and simple carbs. But. But is big here. I will eat them. And have eaten them. While traveling and dining with friends over the weekend I realized how insane we sound. “No thanks, I’ll pass on the bread. Sure, I’ll have a drink. Gnocci? yeah, sure why not?”. What?!!?

Call it justification, but here’s the deal. I’m learning that rules can be broken and personalized. I know what is and isn’t a good idea for me. I skipped on bread and chose to eat a sensible portion of gnocchi. I was hungry, it came with my meal, I ate it. Yes it’s a starch. Yes I said no to bread. Aren’t they one in the same? Technically, yes.

Here’s another example. On our way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel for dinner. We both chose the home style fried chicken. Skipped the bread and skipped the starchy sides. Drank water and didn’t have dessert. In the past, I would have had the fried chicken with mashed potatoes, a house salad drenched in ranch, two biscuits, sweet tea and bring on the apple cobbler! The difference is notable and real. Is the chicken breaded and deep fried? Yes! I ordered it with green beans and a salad. Skimped on the dressing and gave some chicken to the husband.

Want another example? In Charlottesville I had frozen yogurt from Sweet Frog. A planned treat. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted a big cup of frozen yogurt topped with candy. So what do I do? I eat a very light breakfast of eggs. Skip lunch (not hungry). Have a light dinner (the gnocchi one from above) and then indulge in frozen yogurt. And topped it off with a long walk. I was even under my calories for the day.

I will have the occasional iced latte. I have brown rice almost every single day for dinner. I will put feta or goat cheese on a salad. I’m okay with all of these decisions because they aren’t what brought me here. 1 cup of brown rice a day didn’t make me obese. I don’t sneak around with salads with feta and the iced latte without sugar? We have a solid friendship. If I said no to all of these things, I wouldn’t last a week. I would be sad and cry a little. They aren’t the problem.

Pints of ice cream. Large frozen pizzas. Ordering meals with the most food. Stuffing myself. Snacks. Eating without hunger. Starting over…tomorrow will be better. I will be healthier next week. This mentality brought me to obesity. Consuming so much that I can’t move is the problem.

I’m slowly getting the point. Making better decisions. Planning. And while it may all sound like one big contradiction, it’s working for me. I know where to say no and where to say yes and the biggest point? I’m okay with it all. Being okay with the decision to eat a big bowl of frozen yogurt stops me from wanting more. It keeps me present. I’m here, I’m enjoying this and when it’s gone I can go on with my life.

I have events and dinners going on all the time. If I go to a friends house and they serve me a big plate of grains or lasagna, I’m not going to turn my nose up and say “ewww carbs!” I will enjoy, stop when I’m full and move on. I may eat lighter during the day or make sure I exercise or say no to dessert.

This is why I don’t like telling people what I’m doing because it doesn’t make much sense. In total. I’m eating less. I’m being pickier. I’m avoiding triggers. And if faced with something particularly delicious. I feel like I can enjoy it and move on with a plan of action.  I can stick with the low grains/sugar thing most of the time. At home, it’s no big deal. And that’s when it matters most. What I do most of the time is more important than what I do on occasion.

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Q & A

I get several emails a week about this and that and thought I’d answer some questions I get most often here.

How tall are you?

I’m right smack in the middle of average at 5’4.

What diet plan do you follow?

Right now I’m dabbling in a world without refined flours and sugars. Cutting back on dairy. Cutting back on grains. And cutting back on processed foods. I eat vegetables, meat/poultry/fish, fruit, nuts, some dairy and brown rice.

What kind of exercise do you participate in?

I do strength training once a week and for the past two weeks I’ve been doing Zumba three times a week and Jillian DVD’s the other days.

Have you met your goal weight?

Nope. Not yet.

What do you do for a living? What does an average day look like? How did you get started freelancing? What are your biggest career struggles?

I am a freelance designer and writer. I also make a small line of handmade jewelry and I blog. On a typical day I wake up around 6am, eat breakfast and check all my internet stuff (email, facebook, blog, twitter etc.), around 7am I start writing. Around 9am I take an hour break (food, stretching, fresh air, email). At 10am I’m back to writing until noon when I eat lunch. If I have design work to do I will go and do that after lunch (sometimes before lunch). After that I come home, eat dinner, do more work, exercise and then relax.

Most days look like this depending on what I have going on or if I have any deadlines.

I got started by making the decision to do it. Working for myself has been a goal of mine since college. Having an office job never felt like a long term solution for me. I like working with people rather than for them. Bosses tend to feel like they have ownership and control over you, and that’s a feeling I never got used to. If I want a raise, I work harder. In the office world, it’s up to the guy signing your check. It’s also nice not to have to check in, ask for days off, take time to go to an appointment or just have a “me” day. That will never ever get old.

Struggles with balance. Getting over fears. Setting limits with other people. Owning my time. And finding respect for what I do. A lot of people in my life have no idea what I do. Sometimes being at home is perceived as “doing nothing” or being unemployed, but I work harder than most people in office jobs. I pay for my own health insurance. Every dollar I make is important to me- I don’t take my work for granted. It’s also hard for people to see what I do as important or valuable because my title wasn’t handed to me through a job description. It’s important for me to share what I do with other people and let other people know that this lifestyle is possible for anyone if you’re willing to work hard and find focus. Also having a business name and website is beneficial for legitimacy.

What is your goal weight?

Honestly, I will skip down the street at 180. And wouldn’t sneeze at 190. And will praise the skies at 200, but for my height I should be under 140. That’s a long ways away though.

Do you have children? Do you want children?

No and yes. I’m in a place where I’m (we’re) not actively trying, but would be okay if it happened. Maybe when I’m 30 I’ll warm up to the idea. I have a lot of fears when it comes to having a child: loss of privacy, pain, vulnerability, unsolicited advice, expectations…I could go on  I’d also like to be in a better place physically (and mentally).

Who designed your blog?

I did with the help of my husband. I just created a header and the custom graphics. I’m using a wordpress template for the rest.

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Food is Good

We’ve had some good eats this week. Steak, fresh produce, and new recipes. Thanks to you all for the supportive comments on my new diet experiment. I realize how defensive that post was. I’m often a defensive person (it’s on my list of things to work on) when I feel my motives are misunderstood or taken too seriously, but I guess that’s the point right? I will follow it by saying, of course, I will have grains again in my life and of course I will continue weaving and bobbing until I find what works for me. I’m using Paleo as a guide-line, but let’s be honest here…it’s not much different than say, South Beach or any other plan that tells you:

avoid white flour and sugar

What I’m looking for (and have looked for this whole time) is food sanity. Poking my head in Paleo this week has done that for me. And I say Paleo very loosely, to the point where I am going to just call it “eating better for me” because I’ve had  portions of brown rice and goat cheese and ate two apples yesterday and a pure bar.

But here’s the difference: I’m not tempted to overeat. If I need food, I eat it. Yesterday when I got home from work around 2pm I was starving. So I cut up an apple and enjoyed it with raw almond butter and raw honey. I forced myself to eat it outside instead of at my computer desk. It was what I needed. Shortly after I ate a sweet potato with chili and garlic powder, sea salt and olive oil. For dinner I had veggie red thai curry over brown rice. After Zumba I had another apple with almond butter and honey.

On top of that, I’ve been very productive this week. And upbeat despite PMS. I don’t feel “foggy, groggy or tired”. But this isn’t about the first week of “eating better for me” it’s about…how long can I sustain myself this way? I’m eating food that love, I’m eating when I’m hungry, I don’t have cravings. But, I’m not expecting perfection along the road. I just feel like my steering is a little more steady now.

It’s not so willy nilly in my head. When I allow the sugars and the flours and the this and the that, I start justifying everything. Needing a little more. Needing another hit, another fix to make it all go away. Never feeling like it’s enough. Always wanting a second helping of cheesy potatoes, another slice of pizza, just one more burger…what about those muffins over there- aren’t they whole grain? And before I know it I’m diving head first into the food of the moment, that I just needed right now, justifying that it’s just today, today I need this. Tomorrow I will be good.

Here are the facts: How I’m eating, is how I want to eat regardless of what I’ve decided to call it. How it always looks in my head, but never seems to happen when I’ve got so many other tempting choices. It looks like sweet potatoes, meat, brown rice, stir-fry, thai curry, fajitas, butternut squash fries, fresh fruit, almond butter, goat cheese, fresh guacamole and salsa, big salads. This is how I want to be most of the time. When I elimate the choices I have a hard time controlling, I’m left with the better alternative.

I don’t overeat salad. I don’t try to sneak in one more bite. Wait impatiently for seconds. Try to find a way to look like I took less on my plate. Hide the leaves in my drawer so no one will see. I don’t sneak sweet potatoes in my purse or stuff apples in my mouth between green lights. I don’t turn to goat cheese, or bananas after a hard or stressful day. The banana was never there for me the way cake was. There is no guilt with thai curry or tandoori chicken, no second guessing a skewer of shrimp or a second helping of roasted local chicken.

There is a distinct difference between being frantic and panicked about food versus peaceful and content. I know what it’s like to be completely and utterly at war with myself over food. I know what it’s like to feel panic over the loss of control. The looming question, when do I start becoming what I envision for myself? When does it start?  And the best question of all: Is it working for me? If what I’m doing isn’t bringing me closer to who I want to be then it’s up to me to draw up another plan and change course.

It’s not easy to change course when you want so bad for the current course to work. When you want to be the person who can bake cookies and only have one or two a day. Have them sitting in a nice neat container on your counter or nestled together in the freezer without them consuming your thoughts. You want to be the person who can have pizza without eating the whole thing. Or have the occassional special dessert with your husband at a fancy restaurant and not wonder…can we stop for ice cream? I want to be the person who can have pancakes on Saturday morning, slathered with butter and maple syrup. A pint of ice cream in the freezer for the once daily spoonful. The person who can casually be in this world, but not totally committed to it. One toe in with a foot in better choices. Who chooses to feel better, to not over-indulge when given the choice.

Instead, I’m racing to eat it all. All of it until it’s gone. Until there is no evidence of what I’ve done, because tomorrow promises to be better. Wasting entire days because I ate too much. Sleeping until the pain of too much fades away. I will be the same person making the same choices, but somehow, magically I will do better. There is a balance I’ve not yet learned. But why not give myself a better chance to succeed?

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