I’m entering (or have entered) a new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn’t marked by a graduation, marriage, or child. Instead, it is marked by a change in perspective or enlightenment. To the outside world I probably appear to be the same person I was a few months ago, but to me I feel like I’ve just shed a skin. I’m still me, of course, but now I actually believe I deserve goodness in my life.
I can’t explain it, and honestly I see it all around me, but none of us truly seem to believe we are worth the extra effort. The investment in our lives to make it exactly the way we want it to be. It feels indulgent, and selfish once you’re here; there is the usual fear stuff that pops up. This chapter is scary for me, because it’s new.
What exactly do I mean? I’m taking inventory of my life right now and liking what I see. And not only do I like what I see, but I feel like I deserve what I’ve brought to myself. I don’t mean perfection, I just mean satisfaction. I deserve a healthy body that can move, so I exercise. I wanted to be around creative people, so I sought them out. I wanted a beautiful space, so I created one. I wanted a good marriage, so I chose the right person (it helps that he chose me too). I wanted to feel and share love, so I adopted two kitties and sponsored a child. I want to learn new things, so I read ( a lot). I want to connect, so I reach out. I want to explore, so I travel. I want to eat good food, so I cook. I want to express myself, so I blog.
All of these actions bring me to the space I want to be in. The space I never really believed I deserved. I look at all of these little things and think “how did I get so lucky?” and realize that it’s not just luck, it’s intention. And sometimes all of these intentional actions make me feel like an alien in a world of people who do not see themselves, or me, as deserving. But we are. And I am. Even though I’m sometimes scared to admit it.
There is a lot of guilt that comes from living your life to the fullest (whatever that means), especially when there is so much suffering in the world. Should we not dress well because many people cannot? Should we not make our space as beautiful as possible? Should we not exercise our bodies because some people are not able? Should we not eat the best food possible because others are starving?
I think about these things a lot. And I’ve come to realize (for now anyway) that to not be the best version of myself, to deny opportunities, to not exercise the body that can move- would be a disservice to myself. If I am presented a door and choose to not open it, no one benefits.
I believe that when I fully take advantage of my gifts (and believe I deserve to) not only do I improve my life, but those around me. I cannot help anyone if I don’t believe I’m deserving of goodness.
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