I’m embarking on a new journey of self-discovery. I know this because my thoughts and wants are more clear, yet I’m having a hard time articulating it.
I’ve been asking myself lately: why do I blog? why will I continue to blog? what can i share? what will i get out of it?
This has been the longest project of my life. I started not knowing where I would arrive and five years later I’m still not sure. The only thing that I keep coming back to is to inspire. I don’t even know what that means, but I share because I know I’m not alone. I share because I may say something that might help someone else. I know it’s a big thing to believe about myself, but at the end of the day, I write because my words inspire me. I’m able to see who I am through my writing.
I don’t plan my posts. Which I’ve heard is a blogger mistake. But, I write what I feel, and along this journey I’ve gotten lost in that desire. I’ve seen other bloggers doing things that I wish I could do. I’ve seen them count, track, photograph and document every inch of their lives. I’ve wanted so bad to be other bloggers, that at times, I’ve forgotten who I am and why I’m here.
So there’s a lesson in that. To follow who you are, to follow your gut and not to punish yourself for not being like everyone else. Because the world needs more people becoming and embracing who they are. There is someone, if not just myself, who needs me to be here just as I am. Saying what I need to say. And so in this realization, I want to continue to share whats important to me, regardless of the content. At the heart of this blog, I’m trying to live a healthier life. But, for me, this is not an isolated action. Being healthy is not just important for my body, it’s important for my relationships, my career and my belief in who I am. My life is about making things happen.
When I eat too much, I get depressed and my work suffers. When I eat well, I am productive and clear.
In all of this, I want to blog more about my process and my journey, regardless of what that looks like. My journey isn’t just about following blogging tips and tricks, it’s about sharing where I’m headed. Where I want to be and what I know to be true.
So here’s the thing. I’ve completely stopped dieting. A concept I’ve tried before and got too scared. And I want to share this, but sometimes it doesn’t look like it should. It’s not ideal, but, it’s wonderful and eye opening. I’ve been “un-dieting” for several weeks now. I’ve purchased “taboo” foods at the store. Food that is just sugar and comes in wrappers. I’ve openly eaten what I desire in public, in front of my husband and for the world to see. I’ve stopped hiding food. I’ve stopped feeling guilt over food, mentally calculating calories, tracking, and measuring. Punishing myself for not making ideal choices. I’m trusting myself around food. I’ve never trusted myself around food. I’m celebrating that I can live with triggers in my life. That I can have candy in the house and not eat it for breakfast.
I’ve been actively stripping away all guilt around food. Removing the notion of good food or bad food and just being. I’m bridging the gap between unhealthy lorrie and healthy lorrie: they are the same. My choices are not isolated. Healthy lorrie is just as present and open and ready as binge-eating lorrie. Healthy lorrie is not a future goal she is who I am, all the time, every single day. Unhealthy, binge eating lorrie has her place too. I wish I knew how to articulate it, but I’ve become okay with the outcome. I’m trusting that I will get there, if I’m open. There have been days when I’ve done exactly what I feared: I ate too much. I turned to food when I stopped trusting myself. But, I embraced the action, and realized it was a choice. I am owning it.
Before, I treated these actions as though they were not a part of me. Habits are choices that I make everyday. It’s a big deal, to trust that I can stop. That eventually I will stop on my own and make another choice. I am making better decisions on my own because they are not future parts of my life. They are now. They reflect what I want and where I’m headed.
Un-dieting is not without goals, I have them, but they are different. This week, my goal is to eat fresh, raw vegetables as much as possible. I purchased a huge container of organic spinach and kale, lots of squash, apples, oranges, and bananas. My goal is to eat it all this week. To eat them first, not because I feel like I have to, but because I genuinely want to. I like how I feel when I eat well, I need to feel good to complete all my goals. Not just the ones that result in a lower weight on the scale.
It’s been huge for me to let go of worry and possible outcomes. I’ve let go of the fear of the unknown. The fear of eating until I weigh 400 pounds. The fear of never stopping. The fear that I can’t control what I eat without a regulated system. I trust that I will stop and that I know how to hear what I really want and need. There are days when I shock myself with how soon I stop eating. And it doesn’t happen because I think “I should stop”, or “how many calories am I at now?” it just happens because I’m done.
I had a glimpse of myself recently. A glimpse of where I’m headed and it’s incredibly beautiful.
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