Good Morning! I took the past couple of days off of blogging to sort of regroup before my 29th birthday. This year (to sound like my old hokey boss in nyc) is going to be transformative. I’ve created a list of goals and resolutions that I want to follow and remind myself of often over the next year.
1. Leave Obesity Behind. I’m determined that 29 is my last year of being an obese person. I’m fine with being chubby at 30, but not obese. These past few weeks have been really good for weight loss and I know what it looks like, I always have. I know what it takes. I don’t just want to be thin, I want to be strong and able-bodied. I want to be able to climb a rock wall, go kayaking, run, swim, and play sports. I want to find a new identity as a smaller person who leads a bigger life. I want to stop killing myself with food.
I’ve created a little more details and action lists as to how this goal will come to be, but for now this is my main goal this year. If I accomplish nothing else this year but this one goal, I will be satisfied. The main thing that I do is keep a food journal, this is number one and most helpful. The second thing is establishing and maintaining a regular exercise routine. The third thing will be creating time for daily meditation and inspiration for my goal.
I’m working on an inspiration scrapbook that I will work out of over the next year. I’m a visual person and I want this scrapbook to be a place where my goals are laid out. A book that I can turn to every day as a reminder of where I’m headed.
I will also spend the year sharing here, but also keeping a private daily journal.
I keep thinking how nice summers will be when I’m not sweltering in layers. How wonderful it would be to wear a tank top and Bermuda shorts and not feel self-conscious. How amazing it would be to wear a sleeveless dress and not have to wear a cardigan.
2. Lowered Expectations. My biggest struggle for as long as I can remember is having high expectations (if not unrealistic at times) of other people. I tend to wear my heart of my sleeve and find myself tore up over everything people do or don’t do (or say and don’t say). I can hear my mom saying “you need to develop thicker skin”, and I never knew what that looked like. This year I want to let that go. Instead of worrying about and wondering if and why other people don’t like me, I’m going to take that energy and put it back into liking myself.
I expect people to be better than I am, and give more than I can, and it’s just not fair. I expect kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness from those who are friends, but I don’t always get it. I expect those around me to care about what I’m doing, to be interested, to say something, anything to let me know that they care. And there are people who do and there are people who don’t and I have to stop waiting for people to get me, to validate me, especially when I haven’t let them in. So when I find myself going down the familiar path of wanting more from someone else I will simply whisper to myself “lower your expectations, it’s not about you” and move on. I realize that my high expectations keep me a victim of other people, they keep me negative and things begin to fester. The act of nothing from someone else, turns into something and I want to be better than that.
3. Embrace Humor. I love having a sense of humor and I like when mine comes out. I love laughing with other people and being silly. I have a pretty good (if not crass at times) sense of humor, and I want to embrace it and bring it out more. I want to be fearless in that regard and trust that I can laugh at life and be less serious. It’s in me and I want to bring it out more.
4. Work Harder, Be Focused. Here’s the thing. I keep myself busy, but for the most part it’s just me being busy. I’m actively trying to figure out who I want to be when I grow up. I want to figure out my life’s work. I waste a lot, a lot of time being overwhelmed and worrying. It’s not productive, it’s not moving forward, it’s not growing, it’s not anything at all, but wasted time. I get excited about ideas, I have more ideas to fill up a warehouse. And I don’t know what they mean. I wait until the last-minute to do things, and often I find that they are half-assed. I want to stop doing that to myself.
I want to work harder in confident, focused ways. I’m not 100% what they even means, but I want to get closer to whatever that is. I want to improve my writing, design, illustration and photography skills. I want to do more work that I’m proud of.
5. Have Blind Faith. I don’t put a lot of faith in the notion that things will just work out. I don’t trust the process. I don’t trust that things will just happen on their own, or naturally, or in “god’s will”. I have deep-rooted fear it not growing so much so that I become stagnant from the fear, how’s that for irony? I believe we have to make things happen, and actively seek out what makes our hearts sing, but… I want more blind faith this year.
As I write this I can feel my chest tighten and my breath shorten. I see flashes of all of those episodes of Oprah that I watched growing up where women got lost and they are crying on her stage at the age of forty or fifty because they stopped seeking out what they wanted long ago. They let kids, marriage, and careers take hold and forgot to seek their dreams and maybe those are/were their dreams, but an essence was lost in the day-to-day.
This year, I want to stop fearing my journey. I feel as though this worrying is mostly misguided and I want to trust my unplanned process this year. I want to believe more that just by doing, I will get where ever I need to go. I want to change my perspective.
6. Less TV. I’m setting a two hours a week rule for TV, unless I earn time as a reward for extra exercise or meeting a deadline.
7. Eat Less Factory Food. I’m not looking for perfection, just being more mindful and better about this.
8. Let Go of Perfection. Perfection is the root of my procrastination and I need for that to go away this year. Before starting a project I get so wrapped up in wanting it to be perfect, that I never start. I need to just start, work hard, be focused and have blind faith that it will work out.
9. Let Go of Validation. I need to stop waiting on other people in my life to cheer me on, to get what I do, to support my goals. In all honesty, I don’t do this very well for others and I should stop expecting (those pesky expectations again!) for it in return. I want to stop waiting on others to define who I am.
10. Spent More Time Outside. Lets be honest here, nature is scary. There are bugs, spiders, snakes, bears, and poisonous plants all ready to jump out and get us! Living in Floyd leaves little room for admitting to such fears, but mine is alive and well. I want to spend more time in my garden, but what is a spider crawls on me? I want to sit on the porch at night, but what if somethings flies out and attacks me? I want to go camping, but what if a bear tries to eat our food and eats us instead? I want to go hiking, but what if I fall off of a rock? I could keep this up for days.
I’m taking baby steps in our own yard and deck. I bought a little bistro table for daily outside dining, I’m going to decorate the porch with potted plants (that I will have to go outside and water!) and twinkle lights. I want to walk around our (small, yet adequate) property. Walk up the steep hill, mow the lawn, get my hands dirty, pull the weeds, trim the hedges, have a picnic… you name it, I want more of that.
11. Take More Risks. I’ve toyed with a couple of moderately life changing ideas, like going back to school or getting a job outside of the house. And while I’m not convinced either of these are good ideas right now, one would bring more debt and the other would require significant car time. I want to be a little more open to these ideas. There is a part of me that believes I’m not qualified for either, and I want to get over that and get better either way.
12. If I Get Stuck, Seek Pen and Paper (or a blank word document). Write it out, let it go.
13. Create a Beautiful (uncluttered) Living Environment.
14. Go on More Adventures.
15. Get Dressed Every Day.
16. Move More.
17. Limit Social Networking to 30 Minutes a Day.
18. Make My Health and Wellness a Top Priority.
19. Smile More Often.
20. Let People In.
21. Get Over Embarrassing Things From My Past.
22. Act With Love.
23. Challenge My Fears.
24. Be More Spontaneous and Flexible.
25. Cook At Least Five Times a Week.
26. Make Everything From One Cookbook.
27. Visit a New State.
28. Develop My Blogs.
29. Have A Lot More Fun!
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