I’ve come to realize that what I need in life to be happy, is much different than what I always thought I would need. For most of my life I believed that hard work and sacrifice meant pain, uncomfort, and burnout. I would avoid these feelings by quitting. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t a hard worker or a good employee, student etc. I just never applied myself, as they say. I knew how to complete a task for something else, but not for myself. I would get so far as the first or second bump and decide it wasn’t for me. Move on and continue the cycle.
Coincidentally, my adult life has been filled with bouts of anxiety, depression and insecurity. Just a slight feeling of unease that I was always trying to suffocate with excesses. Material items, food, and neediness have all been the way that I would cope. Often I would just hole up and wish the pain away. I thought these feelings were a result of what I was missing in my life, rather than what I wasn’t doing.
But lately, as in, the past couple of months. This course has changed. I’ve come to realize that my past actions of inactivity made the feelings worse. And thus the cycle of never being fulfilled. What makes me happy now is so far removed from what I wanted to believe would make me happy. Shopping or a pint of ice cream. They are like alcohol to the flame. They are good in the moment, but never filled the gap.
Today, as I write this, I’ve found that completion makes me happy. If I set out to do something in a day, I’m not content until it’s done. Inactivity makes me anxious. I notice that when I slide out of my good habits, old feelings begin to creep up again.
The funny/weird thing about all of this, is that I’ve rejected the notion that energy=energy. I always thought that I needed to reserve my energy to gain it, but I only get positive energy when I put it out there.
Today happiness looks like this to me:
– A balanced diet. This means eating when I’m hungry, stopping when I’m full. Eating what I only truly love to eat, not because I used to think it was indulgent, but genuinly enjoying the meal. Vegetables and fruit are also very important for this balance.
– Exercise. Any sort of movement is absolutely neccessary for me to deal with stress and anxiety. Even if the movement is cleaning the bedroom, clearning off the deck, or washing a load of dishes. Movement in all forms makes me feel better.
–Focused work. Everyday I have a set list of tasks. I’ve gotten in the habit of setting a timer for 30 minutes just to get started. If I am overwhelmed with projects I say to myself “just do something–anything”. Checking off items on my to-do list brings me so much pride and contentment.
– Time to relax, alone. I find that my work/life balance is only in harmony when I have time to do absolutely nothing. It feels better and is more appreciated when it’s earned. I have never been bored a day in my life. I could sit on the couch and read for hours and be totally happy. I could sit with a notebook and pen and write and draw until my hearts content. I look forward to doing nothing, I cherish the art of inactivity only when it’s balanced with work.
– Making things happen. I’ve always struggled with the notion that things just happened. Growing up we are sent to school, then we are sent to high school and then, sometimes we make our way to college. This course is set out for us. And the whole “making things happen” idea missed me. I had no concept of making my dreams come true. When there wasn’t a clear path or map to my destination I got lost. I didn’t understand how the world worked, how businesses were ran. I just assumed that I was destined to follow course and just move on to a normal job with a steady paycheck. And then I woke up and realized that everything is totally up to me. And I was scared, am still scared, but figuring it out anyway.
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