I can say with total confidence that there is nothing nutritionally redeeming about this meal. It was floury, sugary, buttery, and deep fried. This is exactly that I ate Saturday afternoon, it was brunch and it was out of this world. For the past month I’ve allowed myself to have an indulgent meal or two on the weekends and this was no exception. Although I will say that I’ve had nothing truly this indulgent in a very long time.
I can also say with total confidence that if you’re ever in Roanoke Virginia, Thelma’s Chicken and Waffles is a must. This was by far the best fried chicken and waffle I’ve ever had. The waffle tasted like a snickerdoodle cookie. The potatoes were fried, buttered and seasoned to perfection. And the chicken was insanely good. We did not speak. We ate. I ate 3/4 of my waffle and gave the rest to Josh. It was that rich.
I will say though, as good as this meal was, it did not make me feel good physically. Not that you’re surprised. I mean, look at it. Everything is brown!
This brings me to my next observation and thoughts and wonderment: my diet. For the past two months since I’ve changed up my diet (yet again) I’ve stopped buying the following: bread, cheese (occasionally I will buy raw cheddar or feta), milk, processed snacks such as crackers and cereal and frozen pizzas. Our meals at home consist of breakfast, eggs and bacon, yogurt with jam, or oatmeal with various mix-ins. Occasionally I will have a Kind bar or Pure bar. For lunch I will have stir fry, or a salad. Dinner is something Chinese inspired. I’ve been making vegetable stir fry with peanuts or cashews or a regular basis.
When I eat out on weekends, or at someone’s house, I eat pretty much what I want. Not excessively in portion, but just whatever is handed to me or I feel like eating. I still say no to sugar most of the time. This year, since giving up refined sugars, I can count on both hands how many times I’ve had dessert. Last year, I didn’t have enough hands.
In the past two months I’ve lost 18 pounds with stalls when I get out of “the zone”. It’s still a struggle. The internet makes me feel food shy, as in, scared to share. When you share, you invite criticsm and advice. Two things I don’t deal well with especially when it feels short sighted on unjustified. Nothing annoys me more than an opinion pretending to be authority. How do you guys deal with it? Why do we care so much about what other people eat?
And I’m no different. I follow the blog of a radio/tv personality who recently lost 60+ pounds. She looks great! But her daily food logs are disappointing. Her calorie goal is 1,100-1,200 a day. And most of those calories come from candy, coffee, cottage cheese, cookies and pizza crust to name a few. When she has what I would call a successful day of eating healthful foods, she calls a “bad” day because her calories float towards the 1,500 mark. I would never say anything directly to her in a comment, and I can guarantee she isn’t reading this blog. But, I know what it’s like to want to fix people. To want to suggest that they can do better. I get that.
But I’m getting to a point in my weight loss journey where it is hard for me to share. It is hard for me to say “I’m trying this” and then not following through exactly, or changing things around so much that my head spins. In the past two months I’ve lost 18 pounds, but I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Taking two steps forward and two steps back. I get in the zone. Where it’s easy. You guys know what I’m talking about. The weight loss zone, where everything is mindful, you feel hunger and full, you’re making good decisions, you’re feeling confident and positive, the scale is moving down. You can see your future self, continuing down this path. It’s like it never was before.
And then poof. It’s gone. You’re out of the zone and it feels like someone plunked you down in the middle of the sea without a life jacket. It happens quickly and without warning. And it leaves me wondering from the head space of assumed observers…was I too strict? not strict enough? and why oh why can I not stick to anything?
This is why so many people stop blogging about weight loss. It is hard to continue putting yourself out there. To continue to observe, to continue to make new declarations, that this time, no really, this time I will do it. It’s gonna happen. And after five years, it’s hard not feel a little pain and discomfort from it. To have your failures in writing. It becomes glaringly obvious what you’re doing wrong, and everyone is happy to tell you.
I commend myself for continuing to be here. To continue to over share exactly why this is hard for me. I didn’t think I’d last this long. It is painful to still be here, right where I was before. To have clear mistakes and missteps right in front of me. To have the opinions of others who are in “the zone” hovering over me ready to lead me down the righteous path. Their path. Willing to hand over their key to success…if only you’d stop…if only you did this…all you have to do is that…this is where you’re wrong… this is what you should be eating…you’re too hard on yourself…you’re not hard enough… please stop eating bacon…please stop eating fruit… you just need to write it all down… just do what i did…
I realize that I contradict myself, I make big claims, I declare that I’ve changed. And I have changed. But I’m still fat. And some days I’m hopeful that I won’t always be, while others I wonder how I can be any other way. I’m dishing out my issues and my desire to change on a weekly basis. I know what to do, I know what it looks like, I even know what it feels like. I’ve had temporary success.
I love feeling exhausted from exercise. I yearn for the feeling of sweat and fatigue. I love the feeling of an empty stomach. I love the feeling of control that comes from documenting it all. I love the high from feeling above my weight, the feeling of I got this. But it’s oh so fleeting because as much as I strive for it all, I toss a brick at it any chance I get. To prove to myself, nope not this time.
So this is me un-declaring myself from all the promises I’ve made. The promise to stop eating sugar or flour until I’m at least minus 100 on the scale. The promise to do it all in one years time. To do it all quickly. To do it on your terms or their terms or by the book or the rules. There will be times when I pass on something to eat, just because. There may be times when I eat too much. I want to free myself shackles of weight loss, the guilt, the shame from not being there. I’m okay as a fat woman. I am beautiful. Have you seen my eyes lately? They sparkle. I have full lips. Hair that sometimes stays in place. I have hands that type for me. A mind that is endlessly curious.
All I truly want is to fill my heart with that which truly makes me happy. Overeating has never made me truly happy. The only declaration I can make is to stop eating for no reason, past fullness, past feeling, past emotions. To stop and think about what I’m doing to myself. I know and always have known what good food looks like for me. The only promise that I can make to myself is to stop eating past fullness or the wrong reasons. I can’t promise that it will always be the healthiest choice, or not involve butter, but I can make a real promise to eat less of whatever it is. To enjoy and savor, rather than stuff. A successful day is one where I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. If that involves anything from fried chicken to a lovely salad, then so be it.
This is not a halt in the journey to be less fat, I thrive when I count calories. This is me claiming my fatness in an honest way. Why I’m still here and how I can strive towards a healthier body without punishment or belittlement. Without the temporary high that comes from The Zone. The self-righteous, I got this. Because I don’t. I never did. I don’t know what it looks like, but all I ask from myself and from you is to release me from expectations and perfection. I know there are healthier things to eat than bacon and eggs, but lord help me if I will stop eating them. I know fruit has sugar, but I will always congratulate myself for grabbing grapes instead of cookies, just like I did this afternoon.
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