Good morning! Can you tell beets made a special appearance in my juice today? I love the bright red color! Last night I did something that I always intend to do, but never actually do. I prepped all the vegetables so they would be ready for easy eating or cooking. I even prepared several sandwiches and boiled some eggs. I’m also working on a whole chicken and a big batch of brown rice and quinoa to eat on during the week. Why have I not done this before?

I put everything for my juice in a plastic salad container last night so that this morning all I had to do was pull it out of the refrigerator, cut the apples, peel the lemon and start juice. I had juice and the juicer cleaned in less than five minutes. Why do these simple things in life make me feel so accomplished? I’ll never know.

I had this big(ish) post planned for today, that would go into the details of how things are going and what I’m doing and how I’m doing, but then I realized what better way to show than tell? I’m not the best at articulating things that seem abstract in my head.

But, to sum it up. After reading Brain Over Binge, I emailed the author, Kathryn Hansen. I’ve never emailed an author and wasn’t expecting a response, but sure enough, not long after my first email she replied. And then she replied again to another email filled with questions.

And while I was forming the questions and reading her response, I realized something totally and completely obvious: The process is personal.

Katheryn talks in-depth about her life post-binge. A life that is very similar to her normal eating patterns before she ever began dieting in her early teens which lead to anorexia and then bulimia (binge eating with extreme exercise). Kathryn knew about normal eating, she knew what it felt like and could call upon those feelings. Those feelings helped her to tell the difference between a binge urge and just a normal human urge to eat a little more, seconds or dessert. For her, snacking, eating without hunger and occasionally overeating are all normal. She’s also never been overweight or obese. Needing to lose weight complicates the process more for people like me.

And this is where my journey branches off.

I don’t know what it feels like to eat normally as a default. I know what it looks like and can identify what an acceptable portions is. I can recall hiding food at a very young age and because of this, I don’t have a lot of experience to draw upon to tell the difference between binge eating and “normal” eating. For me, eating without hunger, while normal on occasion for someone like Kathryn, signals to my brain that I’m in overeating mode. Eating seconds, eating between meals, and most importantly eating without hunger, all indicate that I’m off track. This thought process leads to overeating or binge eating.

For Kathryn, she has a hard time telling the difference between true hunger and urges. I don’t. I’m very aware of the difference between eating for true hunger and not. Eating without that true feeling of hunger, for me, is following my “lower voice”. That’s not to say this always isn’t the case or that there aren’t exceptions, but it’s just something I’m avoiding using Kathryn’s methods.

Occasionally people will say to me that I need to eat xyz or not eat xyz or that I need to eat several times throughout the day. And all I can say it, this is why it’s so important for me not to put what works for me onto other people. For me, eating a handful of cherries while making dinner is okay. Eating a handful of potato chips is not. Eating six meals a day because someone tells me a should, even though I’m not hungry, is not okay to me, only because it signals an urge to continue eating. Eating without hunger is like telling myself “you blew it! eat more!” And that’s my pattern.

Kathryn’s Response:

This is one of the reasons why I mentioned in my book that some people may want to use meal plans (and possibly consult a nutritionist) at first, if they truly feel like they don’t know how to eat normally without binge eating.  I didn’t give much advice directly to the reader (I primarily explained my own story and ideas) in the book because I’m not in a position to give specific medical advice, but that’s one thing I felt was important to include. You have to do what you think will be best for you, and if that includes no unplanned eating and/or no extra servings and/or no small snacks of less-than-healthy food; I think that makes sense. I referred to something similar to this in the last chapter of the book under the subheading “Bridge to Addiction Therapy,” saying that someone could get rid of all problematic foods for a while, then gradually add them back if they want them in their diet.  For you, you could avoid all non-hungry eating for a while, and then – when you feel more confident – gradually start giving yourself some more flexibility.

In my past, another slice of cake always signaled that I was out of control, or would soon be. Even if it was just another portion of something, I’ve always used that as an excuse to eat more. It seems that for me, when I eat when I’m not hungry, I’m giving myself a free pass to binge or to eat too much. This sort of black and white thinking is my pattern.

I’m in a place where I want to eat well because I’m trying to get a lot done. If food weighs me down or makes me feel bad, I become foggy and start putting things off.

Yesterday for example, was a good day of eating :

Woke up slight hungry so I ate a green apple and drank some coffee. I rarely drink coffee, but I followed the craving. A few hours later I ate a spinach salad with salsa, a couple of homemade corn chips crumbled on top, a little shredded turkey and a few cherry tomatoes.

I felt good, satisfied and full.

Around dinner time Josh took me out to Mexican where I had a few corn chips and we shared the chicken fajita dinner for one. I ate a small plate of the salad, guacamole, chicken and vegetables. I was full and satisfied.

And that’s one day, each day is different, but it was successful for me (emphasis one me) because 1) I didn’t overeat 2) I didn’t eat when I wasn’t truly hungry 3) I ate what my body wanted 4) I ate until satisfied and because of this I felt 1) clean 2) productive 3) healthy 4) satisfied.

Everyday is different. Some mornings I may wake up and just want a raw juice, while others nothing else will satisfy me like whole wheat toast, eggs and bacon. Other lunches may be a giant salad, or a burger or Indian food. Dinner may be sushi, or steamed vegetables, or a couple of slices of pizza. All of these decisions are okay with me. I feel good as long as I’m not eating too much.

For me, at this stage, eating without hunger, overeating and binge eating are all one in the same. They may look slightly different, but the root is very much the same. It’s how I can tell if the urge is a habit or a true need.

I want my food choices to be because they make me feel good. Raw juice and a turkey sandwich for breakfast this morning fuels me and makes me feel good. It’s not perfect. I’m not going to eat six meals a day just because it’s suggested or because it works for someone else.

The other balance is cooking and preparing food when I’m not actually hungry, in anticipation. I’m planning meals and having things ready to eat. I have a clear idea of what I want to eat and making it easily accessible is key.

So I’m curious, how is your journey different from mine? Does anything trigger old or bad habits for you?

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This morning’s breakfast: whole wheat toast with butter, local eggs (these guys were huge!), and a little fruit salad of cherries and clementines. I’m taking time to eat a filling breakfast in an attempt to eliminate the need for a snack before lunch. If I just eat cereal or something lighter, I’m hungry one or two hours later. Sometimes I’m just not satisfied and I find myself looking for something else to eat regardless of hunger. I’m thinking this will tide me over for at least four hours.

Eating three filling meals a day helps with clearing my mind. I don’t have to worry so much about eating when I’m not truly hungry because it’s more clear this way. And eating enough to keep me full for hours is so helpful.

I should note that I don’t think snacking is a bad thing for most people. In the past, snacking for me, leads to more snacking and eating without hunger. I’m finding that if my meal is filling, I really don’t need to eat between them.

Do you eat between meals?

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Today marks week four, day two of consistent exercise with Insanity. That is, 6.5 workouts, most of them are 40 minutes long. And I’m reminding myself that I’ve been here before. In the spring, I made it 14 weeks. I was seeing improvement and then it stopped. I don’t remember why exactly (something to go back and read) but I’m telling myself that this doesn’t stop when the calendar fills up or when 60 days are over. If I’m being honest, it will take a full year of consistent exercise for me to really be in a better place physically. Probably two. And then for the rest of my life.

In the past three weeks, my food intake has been hit or miss. I’ve been experimenting with different calorie counts, and I think I’ve found one that will work for me. On myfitnesspal (lorriebee) you work with net calories. This means if your net calorie goal is 1,400 and you burn 500 calories, you can eat 1,900 calories in a day. I think this is a great tool, but for some reason I’ve been struggling with the notion of eating all of my burned calories.

Myfitnesspal gives you an estimated calories burned, but I’m not convinced it’s accurate. I think I’m burning 400-600 calories during Insanity. But when I log it in, it’s usually more. And then I’d see this insane amount of food I could still eat. And for some reason that triggered me to eat beyond hunger.

So to calm my tender brain I’ve decided, which some research and calculating, that I will consume 1,600 calories a day regardless of how much I burn during exercise. Of course there will be some ups and downs with that number, but I feel good with that. I’m burning about 400 calories, six days a week, so that is a net of about 1,100-1,300 calories which is totally in the weight loss zone for me.

I also feel like 1,600 calories is a very reasonable amount of food for me. I can wrap my head around it and not be obsessive. I can move the numbers around easily to accommodate my day. It feels flexible to me.

If I know I’m going out to dinner or to an event in the evening. I can still have a 200 calorie breakfast and 400 calorie lunch with 1,000 calories to work with in the evening. Or if I’m in the mood for a bigger, 500-600 calorie breakfast/brunch sort of thing. I can make that happen too. It goes with my new mantra “I can have what I want, but I can’t have everything I want” which simply means that yes, if I want to go out to dinner with my husband, I can do that. But, it doesn’t mean I need to go out to eat twice in a day and then snack all day and have dessert after every meal. I just don’t need that much food.

Yesterday was my first day trying out my new set calorie count and it went so well. I even showed a two pound loss on the scale this morning from it. I woke up and had a serving of mexican chili for breakfast, and again for lunch. I measured it and estimated the calories. I hate two teas with milk and sugar. A small treat. And dinner was teriyaki chicken. I didn’t feel obsessive about anything and when I hit the 1,600 calorie mark I felt comfortable and done for the day.

I know this probably sounds like the ramblings of a man-woman, but I needed to share. Mainly to work through these fears I have of sharing and acting. I’m trying to change my inner dialogue and making this a positive journey. Not one of self defeating agony. Last night I was in that bed staring at my clothes hanging in the closet and I visualized what it would be like to fit in all of them, effortlessly. And then I visualized them being too big. I imagined that the sweaters looked like deflated balloons where my arms used to go. I realized in that moment that I can make all of these things happen, there is nothing stopping me.

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Yesterday morning started off with a larabar followed by a spinach, banana and orange smoothie. Lots and lots of spinach. I’m determined to plow through these vegetables by Sunday.  The rest of the day was spent eating frozen foods like coconut shrimp. Not the best feeling food, but it did the job.

My other mini-goals this week are as follows:

- keep a food journal (not calorie journal)

- lose 2 pounds (totally doable)

- exercise at least 3 times

- eat lots of vegetables

- follow the hunger and full cues throughout the day

- write and then write some more. Writing helps me to move forward. I tend to get stuck in bad feelings and in problems. It’s easy for me to write out solutions or work through problems on paper rather than in my head.

I have several meetings today (four to be exact) so I’m making it a little goal to carry my notebook with me.

What are your mini-goals this week? It’s Wednesday and I think this week still has many opportunities to be successful.

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First, thank you to those who took the time to comment and participate during the Waiting For Hunger challenge. And then my life got really busy and blogging got pushed down to the bottom. And that’s just how it goes. I’m still waiting for hunger and would love to revisit this challenge again in the very near future, because writing during the day is helpful for me.

I have to admit that things got foggy right when I stopped blogging my experience. I’ve had so much going on that I still turned to food. Emotional eating is real. I have been a participant my whole life. Who am I to be changed in a week? It’s an ongoing process.

The question I’m asking myself is, how do I stick to my goals when life gets busy? I love being busy, I love getting things done, productivity is a huge portion of my happiness. But, there are times when I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, or don’t know where to start. I get overwhelmed. I put things off.  And those are the times when I find myself in the kitchen looking for something to eat. Hungry or not.

My work life doesn’t end at 5pm. I don’t shut down the computer and head for home to watch TV and make dinner. I do both things, almost daily, but then I head back to work. Because I love it. There are times when I overextend myself and end up coping or punishing myself with food.

Busy for me, is starting a clothing line (that opens in two days!), creating jewelry, updating and working on all my blogs (there are four), checking and sifting through many emails, making sure I’m on top of all my design deadlines, cooking and cleaning (lots of both), juggling meetings and office time, finding new work, creating new experiences for myself and making time to rest, be social, have husband time and most importantly exercise.

And I love these aspects of my life so much, they are why I wake up happy in the morning. I love that I have the freedom to choose my day. I want to use my time better, in realizing that my life is my own pattern and if there is something I need to happen. It’s up to me to make it happen.

So with that said, I feel like there are a few hurdles that I need to jump before making my life work for me in the healthiest possible way. The first one is self-worth and self-esteem. So often I get kind compliments/comments from people regarding the way I live my life. A way that seems natural to me. And I often feel like I’m just pretending. That any minute someone will raise the curtain and find out how bad I really am at everything I do.

And it’s crazy. My negative voice is loud and it haunts me. It tells me what other people could be thinking about me. It criticizes my decisions. It makes me feel worthless and uninteresting. It tells me that people know I’m not smart and are just humoring me. It tells me that I will never make things happen in a real way. It tells me that I’m not worth goodness. And often I have conversations in my head are along the lines of “they will think this of me if I do that”, “so and so doesn’t really like me”, “they think I’m an idiot”. But, I realize that people do not think that, I think that about myself. And then I step down from it and move on.

I was reading a Blogging Your Way e-course description that read “… [we will] show(s) you how to use your blog as a catalyst to create your best life.” And out loud I said, yes! That one sentence is why I blog. I blog because I show myself how to live my best life. I challenge myself to think a little longer and to put myself out there when it is uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is a good thing if you’re willing to face it. And I’m trying to face it.

I was reading quotes from Steve Jobs from his Stanford Speech and this one stood out “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” I just love the second to last line. I want to have the courage to make mistakes and face them.

As I was sewing a scarf of my own design yesterday evening. I realized that I made a  mistake in the construction. I needed three closures instead of two or would look weird. And so I pulled out my seam ripper, took a deep breath, and starting breaking my imperfect seams. This was a challenge for me on several levels. I first had to admit that I made a mistake. And then I had to face the mistake and make a decision. Do I scrap the project and call myself a failure? Do I keep going, pretending that I didn’t make the mistake and sit on a bad project that doesn’t make me proud? Or do I suck it up and try again.  I chose the latter, but not without wincing. I was uncomfortable.  I sat with it and walked myself through a game plan.

I would rip the seam. Make another loop. Position the loops again and sew the seam back up.

And while it’s just sewing I learned many lessons about myself in the process. The first lesson is that I’ve been scared to face my mistakes. I’ve been covering them up and punishing myself for not being perfect the first time. The second lesson is making a decision. So often, I walk (or run) away from myself or others instead of facing what is uncomfortable. Instead of making a plan of action, I drop the ball. And finally, I learned that I struggle with feelings of inferiority and discomfort and when faced with them, I eat.

And so when I revisited the “Ideal Day” task, I started asking myself “If I could wake up tomorrow, what would I like to be different?”. I sat down with a new word document and typed. I typed a story that I was picturing each step of the way. I pictured myself waking up in a bedroom where clothes weren’t piling up on the floor. Where the clean sheets were soft and the bed was plush. I walked to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. 135 blinked back at me. My hair was long and shiny. My body is not perfect, but strong. I pull my hair back. Put on workout clothes. Get my ipod ready and I head out for a jog. Because that is where I feel free and weightless. It’s early, but not dark. I’m rested.

I head back to the house and fix a nice breakfast. I sit down and enjoy it with my husband. We talk. I read a little. I take a shower and get dressed for the day. I head to my bright studio and return emails. I work for four hours on projects. I meet design deadlines. I feel accomplished. I’m on top of my work and not stressed. I’m not behind. And then I go make lunch. I take my time eating. Or some days I meet a friend for lunch. And take a short walk outside. I might have a dog to walk.

I head back in and work on creative projects through the evening. I take time to learn new skills. I’m patient with myself. I document my process and day, because I love doing those things. I take time to blog and plan my blogs. I do a little cleaning and then I make something glorious for dinner. The house is clean and organized. Every room is decorated to my (our) taste. So eat and enjoy some sort of exercise like zumba or yoga. I settle in for the night with a project and TV with Josh. Or I come back to my creative space if I want. I spend time with Josh. I brush my teeth and wash my face before bed. I crawl into our plush bed.

That’s the shortened version, but sums up my ideal day. And then I went back and put all the words in bold that I could make happen today. 98% of that, I could have within the week. That says something. It says something about how I intentionally bring myself down. That I don’t always believe I’m worth the effort.  That what makes me happy is within my reach. And all those actions on my ideal day, help bring me to the 1% that won’t happen in a week. Which is a much lower, much healthier (for me) weight.

I’ve inspired myself to live my ideal day and set up my life and environment for it. I’m not expecting perfection, but I can do better for myself. I really can. There are things that I’m not doing because I don’t feel worthy. It’s bull crap. It really is. I’m worth whatever I need to make my ideal day happen.

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Emotional eating is something that we can all get hit by and is something that we need to understand the triggers of and how to deal with. I tend to be a pretty emotional guy but I never seem to fall into the trap of emotional eating which can involve people eating large amounts of food to comfort themselves and get rid of the bad or tough feelings and situations that we can run into in everyday life.

The trouble is that often emotional eating can be caused by bad feelings about our weight and self image and we sabotage ourselves using food as a short term fix.

How Does Emotional Eating Start?

There are really five kinds of situations where we can get triggered emotionally and that may lead to emotional eating. (Thanks to medicinenet for these). Knowing the causes can really help us learn how to stop emotional eating.

Social – Eating when around other people. For example, excessive eating can result from being encouraged by others to eat; eating to fit in; arguing; or feelings of inadequacy around other people.

Emotional – Eating in response to boredom, stress, fatigue, tension, depression, anger, anxiety or loneliness as a way to “fill the void.”

Situational – Eating because the opportunity is there. For example, at a restaurant, seeing an advertisement for a particular food, passing by a bakery. Eating may also be associated with certain activities such as watching TV, going to the movies or a sporting event, etc.

Thoughts – Eating as a result of negative self-worth or making excuses for eating. For example, scolding oneself for looks or a lack of will power.

Physiological – Eating in response to physical cues. For example, increased hunger due to skipping meals or eating to cure headaches or other pain.

And what do many people do? Grab a tub of ice cream or cookies or other comfort food to try to make feeling bad feel better. If you are not in the situation this can seem crazy but in the situation and doing this emotional eating will feel really natural. Trying to fill a void with the great feelings of yummy food.

Trouble is yummy food can not fix a problem.

How to Stop Emotional Eating

How to stop emotional eating

OK, now that we know the why it is much easier to figure out the how to stop emotional eating. So the best and really only thing that you can do is to distract yourself. I have found myself that there is no talking yourself or reasoning yourself out of an emotional problem or issue so a good distraction until your emotions go away and you can reason things is much better. Here are a few things you can do:

Watch some light TV – Get yourself out of the thought pattern that is causing your emotional distress

Talk to a friend about their problems – problem solving not your stuff but someone elses will get your mind fixing something else

Go and exercise – This can be a crutch in itself but really if you can concentrate on the issue of the exercise hopefully it switches the emotion to another issue

You can see from above that these are just a few things that you can do, there are a multitude more but the real idea is to get away from what is causing you pain right now. and then a few minutes or hours later you can revisit the problem in a detached way and find real solutions to your problems.

We all get too close to our own issues emotionally and blow them up so that they are insurmountable. By breaking away from our emotional explosions we can get some distance and avoid the emotional eating that can be so dangerous to our psyche and our eating goals.

How to stop emotional eating all comes down not to controlling your emotions but getting a distance from them until you can deal with the underlying problem.

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Yesterday and the rest of this week will involve a lot of juggling. Nothing unmanageable, but my comment participation will be slow until Monday. Either way, your comments are brilliant and thoughtful. I’m still trying to answer yesterday’s question for myself.

Today though, is another question. I’m in a new Intention Circle with a lot of my creative lady friends and the question we’re trying to answer is “what does your ideal day look like?” This is more like a dream day, a fantasy. A life without barriers.

I realized in the past week as I try to answer this question: I am living my ideal life. That is not intended to be smug, but I’m realizing that the reason why this answer is so difficult is because my ideal life, IS my life. Sure, my dream day starts in Tuscany and ends at a dance party in NYC, but that’s just one day. I don’t want to live in Tuscany or NYC. I love where I live, because it was my design. Living in rural Virginia was a choice, a strange one to many, but a choice that excites me.

The thing is, the day I stepped foot in Brooklyn (or perhaps the day I left college) was the day that I understood that I am the captain of this ship. My life is not perfect, I want to be in a healthier body, I’d love to have a magazine-organized house, I’d love to travel more. But, oh my goodness. My life is a good life. I wake up and I have work to do, work that I love. Work that people pay me to do. In my pajamas most days. And others, if I want, I can get dressed to the nines.

My husband is a huge chunk of my life. Which probably makes some squeamishness and uncomfortable. Others may say, how dare you place so much importance on your husband. But, I do. He was a dream. And goodness, if I had one tidbit of advice, it is: marry a good man. Marry a man who calls you beautiful every day. Challenges you. Sees your potential and supports you. I challenged myself at a young age to marry someone who is present, who cares, who is thoughtful and creative. It helps that he is incredibly good looking. But, I didn’t settle for comfort, or ideals.

I have health insurance.  A goal that was on my new years resolution for three years. I’ve done catering, jewelry, and now clothing design. All because I want to. Not because it’s a task given to me. And sure, some things I realize I’m not suited for, but at least I did it. I have the freedom to try. And fail. And try again.

Everyday I feel at home in our house. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the house I’m supposed to live in at this stage of my life. It’s small and humble. And people tell us “you can’t do that in your house! it’s too small”. Well, I’m sorry, but three bedrooms and two baths is more than enough room for two people, 2 cats and a rabbit. And hell, if we want a baby, we’ll make room. We didn’t over extent ourselves with the best house on the block to be impressive. We don’t have the nicest car, to make us look successful. Those things, while they may fit in a dream day. Are not my ideal.

My ideal day involves, a plush white bed, a morning run, a leisurely day where I cook in the kitchen, and create in my studio. And while I don’t have a plush white bed, I could have it.  TJMaxx is only 25 minutes away. And while I don’t exercise everyday…I could. But, I have a really nice bed. I cook often and I’m creative in my studio because those things make a happy life for me.

And so I asked my husband what his ideal day looks like. And after a few silent minutes. He replied “I’m already living it”. And he is, and I knew that would be his answer. Sure, he doesn’t have the best music studio in the world, or even Floyd for that matter. But he made one happen. And it’s pretty amazing. Six years ago he said “I don’t want an office job” and two months later he never looked back. He made that happen. He reads, and studies and works hard for this life.

And so I’m realizing that the things I want, are not things or perhaps even actions, but thoughts. I want to be nicer to myself. I want to feel my feelings. I want to forgive people a little easier. I want to dance and sing a little more freely. I want to forgive myself for not always doing the right thing. My ideal day is realizing how great I have it and not wasting it on petty thoughts and negativity. My ideal day is an easy smile, a guilt-free slice of chocolate cake, it’s being passionate, seeing things through, and getting a little (or a lot) sweaty.

So I extent this question to you…what does your ideal day look like?

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I saw this comment on Facebook yesterday from Geneen Roth, it really hit home for me why I’m doing this challenge.

“The most radical part of my own story is not that I stopped dieting; it’s that I stopped trying to fix myself. I stopped fighting with myself, stopped blaming myself, my mother, my latest boyfriend for my weight. And since diets were my most flagrant attempt at fixing myself, I stopped them as well. What would your life be like if you stopped trying to fix yourself?”

I’m curious to know…

What would your life be like if you stopped trying to fix yourself?

Side note: I will be out of the comments until this evening.

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Yesterday was a great success. I have to thank all of you for taking the time to leave feedback, not just with me, but with everyone else in the comment area. That was so nice and encouraging to watch.

There were times yesterday when I would eat small meals in anticipation for hunger. Which would push hunger back even more. I’m fine with this. I don’t want to get caught up in the mind swirls of “what is hunger” , “am I truly hungry?”, “is starving hungry?” because it could go on for hours and days. And at the heart of it, I know what overeating looks like, and that is what I’m aiming to avoid.

For example, I made a delicious dinner of chickpea coconut curry with rice. I wasn’t hungry when I made it so I took a bite, because it just looked good. A couple of hours later, I still wasn’t overly hungry, but I pulled out a tiny bowl that holds about a cup of food and I enjoyed a little bit. And that was that. As I look over yesterday I see one trend: several small meals scattered throughout the day. I was never stuffed and never starving.

I counted my calories out of curiosity and vowed to myself that I would not feel guilt over whatever the number came out to be. After exercise, I net about 1,300 calories. That is extremely good for me. I also baked, twice, and did not overeat. I feel like I’m playing with fire, but vowed that I would be honest with whatever happened. I made two loaves of pumpkin chocolate bread, ate one thin slice and put the rest way for later. I also made a batch of French Madeleines. Ate one, put the rest away for tea time today. I. Put. Them. Away. And they aren’t haunting me. I really believe removing guilt, removes the power of food. As does eating for the wrong reasons.

Today, I want to work on a list of things to do to keep my hands busy when I’m taking a break from work, but don’t want to watch TV. Art journaling is at the top of the list. I’ve been longing to paint and create collages lately. I think this will be a good thing for me artistically. It will also keep me from eating from emotions.

And finally, I think I will keep this post open throughout the day for updates and picture posts. Please feel free to use the comments area of this post if you need support, want to chat, or just want to say hello throughout the day.

I woke up super early today to get a lot of work done. Right now, I’m more thirsty than hungry. Drinking lots of water. Maybe an iced coffee soon and then breakfast. Avoiding the scale until this weekend, I’m in the water retention portion of the month and I’d just rather wait it out.

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I debated what I would call this challenge.  I went back and forth on using the word “hunger” because it’s loaded. Because people in the world are actually hungry and do not have the luxury of eating when they’re not. There are also people in the world who deny themselves food when they are hungry. I first called it the “feeling it challenge” and then the “wait for it challenge”. And then a million other combinations of words that just didn’t feel right. So in advance, this challenge means exactly what it says: waiting for hunger to eat.

In the past week I’ve been challenging myself to 1) wait for hunger to eat 2) stop at the first signs of full 3) feel the feelings of wanting to eat outside of hunger 4) sit down and eat without watching tv or being in front of the computer 5) find something else to fill the need 6) eliminate guilt from eating. I’m realizing that when I wait for hunger, it takes less food to make me full. When I eat from habit or emotion, I will never, ever be full. This is profound for me. It is profound because I know how much food I need in a day. When I eliminate guilt, the power is gone.

In the past two times I’ve gone out to eat, I’ve slowed down. To drink water, to have conversation, to look around. I’m not stuffing food in my face. I’m making different decisions. When I’m at home, a different challenge arises, having food around all the time. So I make myself think harder. To write down what I’m feeling and to do something else. Anything that will make me happier than overeating. This challenge is not about guilt, deprivation or starvation. It’s about eating, stress free, and then stopping. It’s about moving on.

Yesterday I was more productive and happy  than I’ve been in a long time. I created a task jar where I write down all of the tasks I want to get done on post-it notes. I fold them up and drop them in the jar. I shake it a little and pick one at random. I do that task and nothing else. I was focused. And it worked for me. I completed 14 tasks. I was only tempted to overeat once (yogurt with dark chocolate peanut butter). I got stuff done that I’ve been sitting on for weeks. Stuff I was waiting for the “perfect situation” to complete.

I bring this up because I found something that worked for me. I’ve been making to-do lists and detailed plans using other peoples methods for as long as I can remember. I just don’t work that way. I get overwhelmed, I find excuses and then I just drop it all. I become paralyzed by methods that do not work for me. And the same goes for eating. All I need to change my life if is to wait for hunger. I know how to eat. I know how much my body needs to lose weight. I trust that in myself. When I count calories or eliminate food, it’s because I don’t trust myself. And I end up eating without hunger. Programs, for me, cover the problem. They put power in food, rather than me. I know it works for people. But, as I sit here, still in need of losing 150 + pounds, I need a new way. My way.

So if you feel like you might benefit from this challenge, I encourage you to leave a comment. For the next week I’m making a promise to myself that I will not eat when I’m not genuinely hungry. If I want to eat, I will write instead. I will sew a skirt. I will blog about something fun. I will decorate my house. I will hug my husband. I will do something, anything, that fills me up without food. This isn’t about counting calories, or feeling guilty over any food decision I make. This isn’t about nutrition, or avoiding food groups. It’s simple: only eat when you’re hungry without distractionsand stop eating when you’re full. If you’re in, I will support you in anyway I can. I will correspond in the comments. I will visit your blog. We can do this!

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