Tag: Intention

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Just Breathe

This week, I took a break. Normally, not being productive makes me antsy and depressed. This week, I allowed myself to take a step back and evaluate my direction.  Like a lot of my friends I feel like I’m on the edge of something very positive and big in my life. But there is a part of my that is holding back, scared to take the leap. Scared to embrace where I’m going.

Part of that feeling is people. I worry a lot (too much) about how people see me and what my actions look like. I worry about sharing my goals and embracing what I really want. Will they think I’m reaching too high and being unrealistic? Will they think I don’t deserve it or didn’t properly earn my success? Will they misinterpret my actions?

And then I stop. Take a breath. And realize that this is mostly just me. It doesn’t matter so much if someone else doesn’t think I’m worthy of the effort, because I am.

I’m in an intention circle right now learning how to manifest my dreams. I have big dreams. Dreams that I don’t share with a lot of people and certainly not on this blog. But, I’m embracing them and trying to be more vocal. Some of my dreams startle me because I didn’t know I had them. Because they seem bigger than me. Do you ever feel that way?

Some of my dreams:

– I want to be a skilled graphic designer. I want people to hire me because they see my creativity and want it to reflect their business. I want to do it on my own terms. I want to create one of a kind work that makes people stop and admire. I want to push the envelope and myself. I want to get better. I want an etsy shop with ready-made design. I want to bring people into this creative business and train them.

– I want to pay off all my credit card and student loan debt by the time I’m 30.

– I want to use this blog to share my dreams, goals and inspiration. I want to inspire myself and those who stop by.

– I want to write a book about all of this.

– I want to start painting again. I want to illustrate and draw like I used to.

– I want to share my art in unconventional ways.

– I want to create art without the intention to sell it.

– I want to share my town with the world in a creative and thoughtful way.

– I want to empower and support the creative women in my life.

– I want to weigh less than 160 pounds before I get pregnant.

– I want to get pregnant before I’m 31-32. I’m 28 (29 in march)

– I want to create a successful lifestyle brand that is linked with my co-owned clothing company. I want to push the boundaries. I want to empower young, rural women in this process. I want to collabroate with creative minds. I want to provide well paying jobs to creative women in our area. I want to thrive within this business, creativity and monetarily.

– I want to go to Paris and walk for hours with my husband. I want to eat the best pastries and bread.

– I want to run a 5k in under 40 minutes.

– I want to be considered a beautiful woman inside and out.

– I want to live in a beautiful and creative space (that is organized and comfortable)

– I want to celebrate my life and learn to jot memories down. I want to have photos printed.

– I want to walk into any store and wear whatever I want.

– I want to be attractive and intelligent.

– I want to be a really good wife and a really good mom.

– I want to cherish my friends and family. I don’t want them to question how I feel.

– I want to stop worrying about the things that haven’t happened. I want to stop worrying about what I assume to be true.

– I want to take care of myself because I’m driven to do so. Because I cherish my life and my body. Not because it’s a plan. Not out of guilt. Not because I need to lose weight.

– I want to go back to school and finish my degree. But I don’t want to go into debt to make this happen. Or maybe I’ll just read a ton more and get really good and prove everyone wrong.

I’m allowing myself this week to breathe and take it all in. I have a lot of change in my life  and I’m getting ready for it. I’m getting it now.

 

 

 

 

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Waiting For Hunger: W1D4: Ideal Day

Yesterday and the rest of this week will involve a lot of juggling. Nothing unmanageable, but my comment participation will be slow until Monday. Either way, your comments are brilliant and thoughtful. I’m still trying to answer yesterday’s question for myself.

Today though, is another question. I’m in a new Intention Circle with a lot of my creative lady friends and the question we’re trying to answer is “what does your ideal day look like?” This is more like a dream day, a fantasy. A life without barriers.

I realized in the past week as I try to answer this question: I am living my ideal life. That is not intended to be smug, but I’m realizing that the reason why this answer is so difficult is because my ideal life, IS my life. Sure, my dream day starts in Tuscany and ends at a dance party in NYC, but that’s just one day. I don’t want to live in Tuscany or NYC. I love where I live, because it was my design. Living in rural Virginia was a choice, a strange one to many, but a choice that excites me.

The thing is, the day I stepped foot in Brooklyn (or perhaps the day I left college) was the day that I understood that I am the captain of this ship. My life is not perfect, I want to be in a healthier body, I’d love to have a magazine-organized house, I’d love to travel more. But, oh my goodness. My life is a good life. I wake up and I have work to do, work that I love. Work that people pay me to do. In my pajamas most days. And others, if I want, I can get dressed to the nines.

My husband is a huge chunk of my life. Which probably makes some squeamishness and uncomfortable. Others may say, how dare you place so much importance on your husband. But, I do. He was a dream. And goodness, if I had one tidbit of advice, it is: marry a good man. Marry a man who calls you beautiful every day. Challenges you. Sees your potential and supports you. I challenged myself at a young age to marry someone who is present, who cares, who is thoughtful and creative. It helps that he is incredibly good looking. But, I didn’t settle for comfort, or ideals.

I have health insurance.  A goal that was on my new years resolution for three years. I’ve done catering, jewelry, and now clothing design. All because I want to. Not because it’s a task given to me. And sure, some things I realize I’m not suited for, but at least I did it. I have the freedom to try. And fail. And try again.

Everyday I feel at home in our house. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the house I’m supposed to live in at this stage of my life. It’s small and humble. And people tell us “you can’t do that in your house! it’s too small”. Well, I’m sorry, but three bedrooms and two baths is more than enough room for two people, 2 cats and a rabbit. And hell, if we want a baby, we’ll make room. We didn’t over extent ourselves with the best house on the block to be impressive. We don’t have the nicest car, to make us look successful. Those things, while they may fit in a dream day. Are not my ideal.

My ideal day involves, a plush white bed, a morning run, a leisurely day where I cook in the kitchen, and create in my studio. And while I don’t have a plush white bed, I could have it.  TJMaxx is only 25 minutes away. And while I don’t exercise everyday…I could. But, I have a really nice bed. I cook often and I’m creative in my studio because those things make a happy life for me.

And so I asked my husband what his ideal day looks like. And after a few silent minutes. He replied “I’m already living it”. And he is, and I knew that would be his answer. Sure, he doesn’t have the best music studio in the world, or even Floyd for that matter. But he made one happen. And it’s pretty amazing. Six years ago he said “I don’t want an office job” and two months later he never looked back. He made that happen. He reads, and studies and works hard for this life.

And so I’m realizing that the things I want, are not things or perhaps even actions, but thoughts. I want to be nicer to myself. I want to feel my feelings. I want to forgive people a little easier. I want to dance and sing a little more freely. I want to forgive myself for not always doing the right thing. My ideal day is realizing how great I have it and not wasting it on petty thoughts and negativity. My ideal day is an easy smile, a guilt-free slice of chocolate cake, it’s being passionate, seeing things through, and getting a little (or a lot) sweaty.

So I extent this question to you…what does your ideal day look like?

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Deserving

I’m entering (or have entered) a new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn’t marked by a graduation, marriage, or child. Instead, it is marked by a change in perspective or enlightenment. To the outside world I probably appear to be the same person I was a few months ago, but to me I feel like I’ve just shed a skin. I’m still me, of course, but now I actually believe I deserve goodness in my life.

I can’t explain it, and honestly I see it all around me, but none of us truly seem to believe we are worth the extra effort. The investment in our lives to make it exactly the way we want it to be. It feels indulgent, and selfish once you’re here; there is the usual fear stuff that pops up. This chapter is scary for me, because it’s new.

What exactly do I mean? I’m taking inventory of my life right now and liking what I see. And not only do I like what I see, but I feel like I deserve what I’ve brought to myself. I don’t mean perfection, I just mean satisfaction. I deserve a healthy body that can move, so I exercise. I wanted to be around creative people, so I sought them out. I wanted a beautiful space, so I created one. I wanted a good marriage, so I chose the right person (it helps that he chose me too). I wanted to feel and share love, so I adopted two kitties and sponsored a child. I want to learn new things, so I read ( a lot). I want to connect, so I reach out. I want to explore, so I travel. I want to eat good food, so I cook. I want to express myself, so I blog.

All of these actions bring me to the space I want to be in. The space I never really believed I deserved. I look at all of these little things and think “how did I get so lucky?” and realize that it’s not just luck, it’s intention. And sometimes all of these intentional actions make me feel like an alien in a world of people who do not see themselves, or me, as deserving. But we are. And I am. Even though I’m sometimes scared to admit it.

There is a lot of guilt that comes from living your life to the fullest (whatever that means), especially when there is so much suffering in the world. Should we not dress well because many people cannot? Should we not make our space as beautiful as possible? Should we not exercise our bodies because some people are not able? Should we not eat the best food possible because others are starving?

I think about these things a lot. And I’ve come to realize (for now anyway) that to not be the best version of myself, to deny opportunities, to not exercise the body that can move- would be a disservice to myself. If I am presented a door and choose to not open it, no one benefits.

I believe that when I fully take advantage of my gifts (and believe I deserve to) not only do I improve my life, but those around me. I cannot help anyone if I don’t believe I’m deserving of goodness.

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