I keep watching Biggest Loser and get warped into their way of thinking that change has to happen before your eyes and right away. Fortunately none of us are on a TV show to have to lose it right away or get set home instead.

Two days ago I wrote about what we need to eat, yesterday was what to avoid but really as far as eating goes I would never want to choose to live with eating only fruit and veggies and meat. Really we have to figure out how to eat other stuff but not always and in a metered way. That is why I wanted to talk about sacrifice and suffering. But first lets hit on starvation.

Starvation is Not Dieting

I don’t think that any of us want to starve and if you are eating a few times a day, eating small meals that are full of nutrients then we will not starve. Years ago when I was struggling with money my wife asked me what was the worst thing that I was worried about. I told her it was food. I have a very close relationship with food, probably all of us do and she promised that we would not starve, sacrifice anything but food and shelter and everything will work out.

Anyway we have no reason to starve and that is where the suffering and sacrifice come from. If I tell you that you are not allowed to ever have a chocolate chip cookie ever again then you will think of nothing but chocolate chip cookies. So this is not a this or that or a never eat kind of concept but I really do feel that if you want something, be it a cookie or ice cream then you should be able to have a little bit and not have to live in guilt. But on the other hand, I never see a reason to eat a whole tub of ice cream either, there is just no point in that.

How to Eat, Think  and not Suffer

Ice cream is not food

What I am really saying that if all our gains or losses are in eating (not true exercise has a lot to do with it as well) then you want to fuel your body with water rich foods. After that make sure that you do that subtle mind change. Food is fuel and candy is just the junk that tastes good. Cheat with just small amounts of food so that you do not crave badly and overdo things. Remember you goal is to eat very healthy and the crappy food you eat, while not good, will not help you in any way.

Tomorrow I want to write more about emotional eating. Even though I touched on emotional eating here there is a lot more to talk about with that.

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Yesterday was a great success. I have to thank all of you for taking the time to leave feedback, not just with me, but with everyone else in the comment area. That was so nice and encouraging to watch.

There were times yesterday when I would eat small meals in anticipation for hunger. Which would push hunger back even more. I’m fine with this. I don’t want to get caught up in the mind swirls of “what is hunger” , “am I truly hungry?”, “is starving hungry?” because it could go on for hours and days. And at the heart of it, I know what overeating looks like, and that is what I’m aiming to avoid.

For example, I made a delicious dinner of chickpea coconut curry with rice. I wasn’t hungry when I made it so I took a bite, because it just looked good. A couple of hours later, I still wasn’t overly hungry, but I pulled out a tiny bowl that holds about a cup of food and I enjoyed a little bit. And that was that. As I look over yesterday I see one trend: several small meals scattered throughout the day. I was never stuffed and never starving.

I counted my calories out of curiosity and vowed to myself that I would not feel guilt over whatever the number came out to be. After exercise, I net about 1,300 calories. That is extremely good for me. I also baked, twice, and did not overeat. I feel like I’m playing with fire, but vowed that I would be honest with whatever happened. I made two loaves of pumpkin chocolate bread, ate one thin slice and put the rest way for later. I also made a batch of French Madeleines. Ate one, put the rest away for tea time today. I. Put. Them. Away. And they aren’t haunting me. I really believe removing guilt, removes the power of food. As does eating for the wrong reasons.

Today, I want to work on a list of things to do to keep my hands busy when I’m taking a break from work, but don’t want to watch TV. Art journaling is at the top of the list. I’ve been longing to paint and create collages lately. I think this will be a good thing for me artistically. It will also keep me from eating from emotions.

And finally, I think I will keep this post open throughout the day for updates and picture posts. Please feel free to use the comments area of this post if you need support, want to chat, or just want to say hello throughout the day.

I woke up super early today to get a lot of work done. Right now, I’m more thirsty than hungry. Drinking lots of water. Maybe an iced coffee soon and then breakfast. Avoiding the scale until this weekend, I’m in the water retention portion of the month and I’d just rather wait it out.

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Welcome to day one, week one of the Waiting for Hunger Challenge! I’ve compiled a list of participants in hopes that we can encourage each other in the coming days and weeks as we form new habits. It’s not too late to join us; feel free to leave a comment in this post if you’d like to be added to the list.

Waiting for Hunger Participants

BCGirlie

Happy Girl 

Kayla 

Erika

Lindsay

Kelsey

Jackie

Rennie

Ella

Yaya

Jen

I’ll be using the comments section as a chat area too for communication throughout the day. Today’s theme is using smaller plates and bowls. I’ve heard this tip numerous times, and it wasn’t until this morning that I decided to actually see how it would work.

I woke up around 7am pretty hungry. Because I’m in a cold cereal phase right now I grabbed one of my smallest bowls off the shelf. I know that cereal doesn’t do much for my hunger and I’ve had issues in the past with overeating it, but I’m ready to try again. It’s what I wanted. Small bowl of Mother’s Choice Honey O’s with whole organic milk.

About three hours later I could feel hunger pangs again. I got a few chores and work done and decided that I would make one of my favorite big breakfasts for me and Josh. Doing this would require a few habit changes 1) getting over the guilt of feeling hungry again 2) using a smaller plate 3) eating slowly and enjoying my food 4) being okay with leftovers and 5) instead of dividing the food in half I presented everything buffet style and filled my little appetizer plate without layering. By doing this, I was eating a fourth of what I normally would. In the future I hope to get used to preparing smaller amounts of food and being comfortable with having less on hand. For now, I’m okay with putting it in the refrigerator for later.

Another tip was cutting things like bread into smaller pieces. Normally I would have two large slices of bread, four slices of bacon, two eggs and a cup of fried potatoes. No wonder I have food issues.  Today, using the small plate method, I at 1/2 slice of bread, 2 slices of bacon, 1 egg, and about 1/4-1/2 c. potatoes. That’s a significant difference and I’m full, but not uncomfortably so.

I’m realizing and truly trying to understand that I don’t need so much food. I ordered a salad last night and couldn’t believe how enormous it was. It was enough for 2-3 meals.

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I debated what I would call this challenge.  I went back and forth on using the word “hunger” because it’s loaded. Because people in the world are actually hungry and do not have the luxury of eating when they’re not. There are also people in the world who deny themselves food when they are hungry. I first called it the “feeling it challenge” and then the “wait for it challenge”. And then a million other combinations of words that just didn’t feel right. So in advance, this challenge means exactly what it says: waiting for hunger to eat.

In the past week I’ve been challenging myself to 1) wait for hunger to eat 2) stop at the first signs of full 3) feel the feelings of wanting to eat outside of hunger 4) sit down and eat without watching tv or being in front of the computer 5) find something else to fill the need 6) eliminate guilt from eating. I’m realizing that when I wait for hunger, it takes less food to make me full. When I eat from habit or emotion, I will never, ever be full. This is profound for me. It is profound because I know how much food I need in a day. When I eliminate guilt, the power is gone.

In the past two times I’ve gone out to eat, I’ve slowed down. To drink water, to have conversation, to look around. I’m not stuffing food in my face. I’m making different decisions. When I’m at home, a different challenge arises, having food around all the time. So I make myself think harder. To write down what I’m feeling and to do something else. Anything that will make me happier than overeating. This challenge is not about guilt, deprivation or starvation. It’s about eating, stress free, and then stopping. It’s about moving on.

Yesterday I was more productive and happy  than I’ve been in a long time. I created a task jar where I write down all of the tasks I want to get done on post-it notes. I fold them up and drop them in the jar. I shake it a little and pick one at random. I do that task and nothing else. I was focused. And it worked for me. I completed 14 tasks. I was only tempted to overeat once (yogurt with dark chocolate peanut butter). I got stuff done that I’ve been sitting on for weeks. Stuff I was waiting for the “perfect situation” to complete.

I bring this up because I found something that worked for me. I’ve been making to-do lists and detailed plans using other peoples methods for as long as I can remember. I just don’t work that way. I get overwhelmed, I find excuses and then I just drop it all. I become paralyzed by methods that do not work for me. And the same goes for eating. All I need to change my life if is to wait for hunger. I know how to eat. I know how much my body needs to lose weight. I trust that in myself. When I count calories or eliminate food, it’s because I don’t trust myself. And I end up eating without hunger. Programs, for me, cover the problem. They put power in food, rather than me. I know it works for people. But, as I sit here, still in need of losing 150 + pounds, I need a new way. My way.

So if you feel like you might benefit from this challenge, I encourage you to leave a comment. For the next week I’m making a promise to myself that I will not eat when I’m not genuinely hungry. If I want to eat, I will write instead. I will sew a skirt. I will blog about something fun. I will decorate my house. I will hug my husband. I will do something, anything, that fills me up without food. This isn’t about counting calories, or feeling guilty over any food decision I make. This isn’t about nutrition, or avoiding food groups. It’s simple: only eat when you’re hungry without distractionsand stop eating when you’re full. If you’re in, I will support you in anyway I can. I will correspond in the comments. I will visit your blog. We can do this!

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I’m realizing that weight loss= eating less. I already knew that, and you probably did too. But, what does that actually look like? Tonight at dinner I gave myself a challenge. The challenge wasn’t to pick the healthiest thing of the menu, or to measure everything out, or to be concerned with the calories. The only challenge was to slow down and enjoy the meal, guilt free, and to stop eating when I was full.

What did it look like? I ordered chicken fajitas with my husband to share. I ate a few tortilla chips, slowly and mindfully while we waited on our order to come. I put the food on my plate and took a bite. Chewed. Put my fork down. Took a drink of water. Then I took another bite, chewed, put my fork down and drank water. I repeated this process until my brain said full. I looked down at my plate and realized that I had eaten about a fourth of what I normally do. And I was satisfied. I was full, but not stuffed and I asked for a to-go box.

I know all of this sounds incredibly elementary, but I just couldn’t believe it. Josh actually kind of looked at me to say “are you not feeling well?”.

I bring this up because sometimes I have moments when I realize how much I complicate weight loss. How much emphasis on what I’m eating rather than how much. It’s a nagging thought I’ve had for awhile, and one I’ve mentioned before. The realization that I’m capable of losing weight if I just listen to my body. That understanding that at my weight, eating less, being mindful and stopping when I’m full is more important than worrying if I’ve had enough vegetables in the day. I do believe in good nutrtion, but deep down, I know that that will work itself out eventually. Today, a success is not cleaning my plate and then wanting more. Success is not feeling shame when I eat and enjoy my dinner.

A friend said something to me today and was profoud. A friend who I would consider healthy and balanced with her diet and exercise. The same friend who loves corndogs. Despite the ingredients she realized that feeling guilty about loving corndogs places the wrong emotions on food. Of course she isn’t eating them everyday, but I truly believe that guilt and shame lead to overeating.

As much as I struggle with overeating in my life. I’m realizing that there are many times in the day where I’m not eating. I’m just in the moment with whatever I’m doing. I’m trying to notice those moments more, to feel good about them, even if they’re my normal. To use them at a catalyst for motivation when I do want to eat too much food. Instead of looking at the day as a whole, I look at it in moments. Realizing that there are moments in the day where I’m content without food.  Moments of strength, awareness and thoughtfulness.

I realized that I don’t have to make weight loss confusing or brutal. I’m already the person I need to be to lose weight. My body is equipped to help me eat less if I’m willing to listen.  I don’t need to read another diet book, or count another calorie (I will for now), or keep up with the latest studies on nutrition. I know what makes me feel good. I know what true hunger and thirst feels like. And I know when I’m full without being stuffed.

It’s comforting to realize this. To realize I have the ability to eat less at any given moment. To realize that ever meal has potential to make me hear what my body is saying. Even without a meal plan, weight goal or dream about a thinner body, I choose to simply eat less. I can have what I crave and desire, guilt free.

What does eating less look like for you?

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I’m realizing that weight loss= eating less. I already knew that, and you probably did too. But, what does that actually look like? Tonight at dinner I gave myself a challenge. The challenge wasn’t to pick the healthiest thing of the menu, or to measure everything out, or to be concerned with the calories. The only challenge was to slow down and enjoy the meal, guilt free, and to stop eating when I was full.

What did it look like? I ordered chicken fajitas with my husband to share. I ate a few tortilla chips, slowly and mindfully while we waited on our order to come. I put the food on my plate and took a bite. Chewed. Put my fork down. Took a drink of water. Then I took another bite, chewed, put my fork down and drank water. I repeated this process until my brain said full. I looked down at my plate and realized that I had eaten about a fourth of what I normally do. And I was satisfied. I was full, but not stuffed and I asked for a to-go box.

I know all of this sounds incredibly elementary, but I just couldn’t believe it. Josh actually kind of looked at me to say “are you not feeling well?”.

I bring this up because sometimes I have moments when I realize how much I complicate weight loss. How much emphasis on what I’m eating rather than how much. It’s a nagging thought I’ve had for awhile, and one I’ve mentioned before. The realization that I’m capable of losing weight if I just listen to my body. That understanding that at my weight, eating less, being mindful and stopping when I’m full is more important than worrying if I’ve had enough vegetables in the day. I do believe in good nutrtion, but deep down, I know that that will work itself out eventually. Today, a success is not cleaning my plate and then wanting more. Success is not feeling shame when I eat and enjoy my dinner.

A friend said something to me today and was profoud. A friend who I would consider healthy and balanced with her diet and exercise. The same friend who loves corndogs. Despite the ingredients she realized that feeling guilty about loving corndogs places the wrong emotions on food. Of course she isn’t eating them everyday, but I truly believe that guilt and shame lead to overeating.

As much as I struggle with overeating in my life. I’m realizing that there are many times in the day where I’m not eating. I’m just in the moment with whatever I’m doing. I’m trying to notice those moments more, to feel good about them, even if they’re my normal. To use them at a catalyst for motivation when I do want to eat too much food. Instead of looking at the day as a whole, I look at it in moments. Realizing that there are moments in the day where I’m content without food.  Moments of strength, awareness and thoughtfulness.

I realized that I don’t have to make weight loss confusing or brutal. I’m already the person I need to be to lose weight. My body is equipped to help me eat less if I’m willing to listen.  I don’t need to read another diet book, or count another calorie (I will for now), or keep up with the latest studies on nutrition. I know what makes me feel good. I know what true hunger and thirst feels like. And I know when I’m full without being stuffed.

It’s comforting to realize this. To realize I have the ability to eat less at any given moment. To realize that ever meal has potential to make me hear what my body is saying. Even without a meal plan, weight goal or dream about a thinner body, I choose to simply eat less. I can have what I crave and desire, guilt free.

What does eating less look like for you?

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Yesterday morning I woke up not feeling overly hungry. I had my usual glass of ice water and headed into work in the wee hours.

A couple of hours later the first thing I ate was a small bowl of Greek yogurt with Crofter’s blueberry spread, oats and peanuts.

This kept me full most of the afternoon.

And then there was an earthquake. A small one. I was in the living room with Josh talking when I said to him “why is our house shaking?” he went to check the laundry room to see if the washer was out of balance. No laundry. I stood at the window and said “this feels like an earthquake” but thought that was insane, because we live in Virginia, not California. It wasn’t for a good 30 minutes until we realized there was an earthquake. Surreal stuff. I was uneasy.

And then we had lunch. Which isn’t what I would call “health food”, but it was delicious and I genuinely hungry. The portions were not out of control either. I made a mini-goal at the beginning of the day that I would only eat when I was hungry, not overeat, and only eat what I truly love to eat.

A cheeseburger and sweet potato fries from a local drive-in. I was full for hours until about 11pm when I had a couple (3) of Wasa crackers with raw cheddar before bed. I also enjoyed 60 minutes of exercise in the evening.

Thoughts on the day:

I know that looking at my meals from an outside perspective someone would say “oh! you need more vegetables”  or “you shouldn’t eat red meat, buns, fries…” you get my point. But to me, right now, a successful day is not overeating. It’s eating when I’m truly hungry and stopping when I’m full. It’s owning and sharing what I’m actually eating, without worry of judgement. It’s eating what I want without all of the rules and guilt that I love placing on myself. I trust that some days I will order a salad instead of a burger, and others I will just want the burger. I want to own those choices and make them guilt free.

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This is me waving my white flag to the universe. I am done being sick. I’m tired of being sick. I’ve tried pretending that I’m not sick- showing up half-assed to meetings, my work, and everything else, but I’m not there. I’m half there. My body is present, but I’m not me.

I’m tired. I’m fatigued. I’m coughing. My ears are stopped up. My head is full. And I’m tired mostly, of being sick. I try very hard not to tweet “I’m sick. I feel like crap. I’m still coughing.” even though sometimes I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with blankets, the remote and a cup of hot tea. Guilt free.

I want a break from responsibility, my to-do lists, I want to check-out and sleep. But, I can’t, because people depend on me and I have deadlines. But, like my last posts said, I’m done with over extending myself. With stress. With piling more stuff on my plate. I know, deep-down that this sickness is my body forcing me to slow down. And I’m fighting it tooth and nail. Because I just want to go, go, go.

Here is one of the books I’m reading:

And it’s speaking to me. Because I don’t want to be sick anymore, and because I don’t want to be depressed, and I really don’t want to be sick down the road. If I’m annoyed at a seven week cough, I just don’t know how I’d handle diabetis, cancer or heart disease. I’d check out.

So I’m going on a special “diet”, I’m trying this out for a month.  I say diet loosely because this isn’t all about weight loss. And it’s not about eating anything I don’t like to eat. It’s about eat less of the stuff that I know makes me sick. Weight loss is a perk, I won’t lie, but I just want to be well. I want to feel well and be less sick.

Time to go grocery shopping…

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Tomorrow we enter week eight of Insanity. This week we took a couple extra days off  and I think it’s been a nice recovery. Guilt free. We’ve got two more weeks of the program before we start another 9-week cycle. Yup, we’re doing it again.

The last four weeks of the program are killer and much harder than the already hard first four weeks so I look forward to revisiting what i couldn’t do and hopefully finding myself doing it.

Like I mentioned before I haven’t lost a ton of weight and that is not at the fault of the program but instead my lack of focused eating. And that’s fine with me. I’m gratful for this path I’m on with exercise and happy with my accomplishments thus far.

I know that with continued planning and focus on food intake plus insanity will yield more results. I will say though that I’m losing about a pound a week on average. Which isn’t a lot. The old me would have been disappointed and given up. But really, the truth is, that is 56 pounds a year. I would like to tack on more to that loss and truly believe I will. The time is going to pass regardless if I exercise or not. The past two years went by and I did not lose 56 pounds. And maybe it’s because I wanted it to happen over night?

Josh is looking much more fit and toned and my middle waist area is narrower. Clothes are fitting better and I’m starting to fit back into the pants that were too tight in January. I have no complaints at the moment, or any deep thoughts. I just feel like I’m doing what I need to do to be a healthier person.

I

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I’m entering (or have entered) a new chapter in my life. A chapter that isn’t marked by a graduation, marriage, or child. Instead, it is marked by a change in perspective or enlightenment. To the outside world I probably appear to be the same person I was a few months ago, but to me I feel like I’ve just shed a skin. I’m still me, of course, but now I actually believe I deserve goodness in my life.

I can’t explain it, and honestly I see it all around me, but none of us truly seem to believe we are worth the extra effort. The investment in our lives to make it exactly the way we want it to be. It feels indulgent, and selfish once you’re here; there is the usual fear stuff that pops up. This chapter is scary for me, because it’s new.

What exactly do I mean? I’m taking inventory of my life right now and liking what I see. And not only do I like what I see, but I feel like I deserve what I’ve brought to myself. I don’t mean perfection, I just mean satisfaction. I deserve a healthy body that can move, so I exercise. I wanted to be around creative people, so I sought them out. I wanted a beautiful space, so I created one. I wanted a good marriage, so I chose the right person (it helps that he chose me too). I wanted to feel and share love, so I adopted two kitties and sponsored a child. I want to learn new things, so I read ( a lot). I want to connect, so I reach out. I want to explore, so I travel. I want to eat good food, so I cook. I want to express myself, so I blog.

All of these actions bring me to the space I want to be in. The space I never really believed I deserved. I look at all of these little things and think “how did I get so lucky?” and realize that it’s not just luck, it’s intention. And sometimes all of these intentional actions make me feel like an alien in a world of people who do not see themselves, or me, as deserving. But we are. And I am. Even though I’m sometimes scared to admit it.

There is a lot of guilt that comes from living your life to the fullest (whatever that means), especially when there is so much suffering in the world. Should we not dress well because many people cannot? Should we not make our space as beautiful as possible? Should we not exercise our bodies because some people are not able? Should we not eat the best food possible because others are starving?

I think about these things a lot. And I’ve come to realize (for now anyway) that to not be the best version of myself, to deny opportunities, to not exercise the body that can move- would be a disservice to myself. If I am presented a door and choose to not open it, no one benefits.

I believe that when I fully take advantage of my gifts (and believe I deserve to) not only do I improve my life, but those around me. I cannot help anyone if I don’t believe I’m deserving of goodness.

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