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Brain Over Binge: Part 2: What I’m Learning

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I’ve come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I’m fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here’s an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I’m acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn’t mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it’s confusing to know the difference because I’ve learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn’t perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You’ve been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn’t lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It’s true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don’t want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I’m taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn’t want to binge. It doesn’t want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren’t me, my animal voice. It’s helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It’s also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it’s who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that’s all it is.  To me, at it’s heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn’t mean that my excess or binge eating hasn’t caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It’s taking practice and meditation. It’s not always a huge struggle because I’m not fighting my urges, I’m just sitting with them, but it’s still new to me. I still fear that I can’t do this or that I’m fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn’t perfect, and I’m becoming okay with that. I’m just riding it out. It’s been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It’s also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It’s totally up to me. I know that it isn’t going to be easy at first, and I’m prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn’t have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

 

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Resound11 Prompt 10: High/Low

Today is a bit of a choose your own adventure: write (paint, draw, photograph, record, etc.) about your best experience this year. If that’s not your cup of joe, write about your worst experience. Feeling chatty? Share both your best and worst moments.

How will you resound?

There are several best moments this year. The best ones were traveling with Josh, taking a real vacation that involved not much more than walking to dinner, traveling to California for the first time, hosting friends at my house, being hosted at other homes and for the whole of the year finding and sharing time with people who just “get” me and vice versa. I find comfort in my relationships with other people.

I wouldn’t say there was a definitive worst moment of the year. Thankfully, for the most part 2011 was smooth sailing. My biggest lesson this year came in a difficult way and that came by giving red flag people the benefit of the doubt repeatedly. I believe (and still do) that most people are good. I like to believe that most people have the best intentions. And then their are others who live purely on the surface. They don’t have relationships with other people, they bring me and everyone else down, they try to fix my life and wave their magic wands so that I can be “better”, they analyze me in a negative way (and most other people), and they get involved in my life and then quickly pull away. They throw stones at how I live my life with my husband.

My lesson is, is that I’m not always crazy and overly sensitive when I have red flag feelings about people, I don’t always have to get involved with these people. I don’t have to give them permission to bring me down. It’s okay to simply say no and move on. There are people who think that my life “isn’t together” because I’m not on the exterior, always a together person. We don’t drive a fancy car because we are waiting for our current car to die, this bothers some people. We didn’t buy the fanciest or most expensive house in town. This means that we are “poor” and our house is “too small” to entertain. My husband doesn’t shave every day and has wild and crazy hair, this means he is “irresponsible and not a real adult”. We don’t have children so we are “selfish”. We work from home and this means we are “unemployed”. Yes, these people exist, and yes, I finally understand what it means to have civil relationships all the while giving them a big “f-you” and moving on.  It feels Awesome, with a capital A.

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Blogging, Spinach and Discovery

I’m embarking on a new journey of self-discovery.  I know this because my thoughts and wants are more clear, yet I’m having a hard time articulating it.

I’ve been asking myself lately: why do I blog? why will I continue to blog? what can i share? what will i get out of it?

This has been the longest project of my life. I started not knowing where I would arrive and five years later I’m still not sure. The only thing that I keep coming back to is to inspire. I don’t even know what that means, but I share because I know I’m not alone. I share because I may say something that might help someone else. I know it’s a big thing to believe about myself, but at the end of the day, I write because my words inspire me. I’m able to see who I am through my writing.

I don’t plan my posts. Which I’ve heard is a blogger mistake. But, I write what I feel, and along this journey I’ve gotten lost in that desire. I’ve seen other bloggers doing things that I wish I could do. I’ve seen them count, track, photograph and document every inch of their lives. I’ve wanted so bad to be other bloggers, that at times, I’ve forgotten who I am and why I’m here.

So there’s a lesson in that. To follow who you are, to follow your gut and not to punish yourself for not being like everyone else.  Because the world needs more people becoming and embracing who they are. There is someone, if not just myself, who needs me to be here just as I am. Saying what I need to say. And so in this realization, I want to continue to share whats important to me, regardless of the content. At the heart of this blog, I’m trying to live a healthier life. But, for me, this is not an isolated action. Being healthy is not just important for my body, it’s important for my relationships, my career and my belief in who I am. My life is about making things happen.

When I eat too much, I get depressed and my work suffers. When I eat well, I am productive and clear.

In all of this, I want to blog more about my process and my journey, regardless of what that looks like.  My journey isn’t just about following blogging tips and tricks, it’s about sharing where I’m headed. Where I want to be and what I know to be true.

So here’s the thing. I’ve completely stopped dieting. A concept I’ve tried before and got too scared. And I want to share this, but sometimes it doesn’t look like it should. It’s not ideal, but, it’s wonderful and eye opening. I’ve been “un-dieting” for several weeks now. I’ve purchased “taboo” foods at the store. Food that is just sugar and comes in wrappers. I’ve openly eaten what I desire in public, in front of my husband and for the world to see. I’ve stopped hiding food. I’ve stopped feeling guilt over food, mentally calculating calories, tracking, and measuring. Punishing myself for not making ideal choices. I’m trusting myself around food. I’ve never trusted myself around food. I’m celebrating that I can live with triggers in my life. That I can have candy in the house and not eat it for breakfast.

I’ve been actively stripping away all guilt around food. Removing the notion of good food or bad food and just being. I’m bridging the gap between unhealthy lorrie and healthy lorrie: they are the same. My choices are not isolated.  Healthy lorrie is just as present and open and ready as binge-eating lorrie. Healthy lorrie  is not a future goal she is who I am, all the time, every single day. Unhealthy, binge eating lorrie has her place too. I wish I knew how to articulate it, but I’ve become okay with the outcome. I’m trusting that I will get there, if I’m open. There have been days when I’ve done exactly what I feared: I ate too much. I turned to food when I stopped trusting myself. But, I embraced the action, and realized it was a choice. I am owning it.

Before, I treated these actions as though they were not a part of me. Habits are choices that I make everyday. It’s a big deal, to trust that I can stop. That eventually I will stop on my own and make another choice. I am making better decisions on my own because they are not future parts of my life. They are now. They reflect what I want and where I’m headed.

Un-dieting is not without goals, I have them, but they are different. This week, my goal is to eat fresh, raw vegetables as much as possible. I purchased a huge container of organic spinach and kale, lots of squash, apples, oranges, and bananas. My goal is to eat it all this week. To eat them first, not because I feel like I have to, but because I genuinely want to.  I like how I feel when I eat well, I need to feel good to complete all my goals. Not just the ones that result in a lower weight on the scale.

It’s been huge for me to let go of worry and possible outcomes. I’ve let go of the fear of the unknown. The fear of eating until I weigh 400 pounds. The fear of never stopping. The fear that I can’t control what I eat without a regulated system. I trust that I will stop and that I know how to hear what I really want and need. There are days when I shock myself with how soon I stop eating. And it doesn’t happen because I think “I should stop”, or “how many calories am I at now?” it just happens because I’m done.

I had a glimpse of myself recently. A glimpse of where I’m headed and it’s incredibly beautiful.

 

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