I’m having these moments where ‘m realizing and truly understanding that I’m in control. Not everything that happens per say, but of how I react, what my days look like. I can choose my next move. It’s all up to me, not the day, not my location, not time, not money, not the weekend, not next month or next year or when I retire…
Before moving to Floyd I had this vision of what my life would be here. I would work from home, spend my days being creative, creating a nice home, belonging to a community, going to the farmer’s market and green house, planting flowers and a garden. Creating my own little world.
We knew our expenses would be minimal and could choose a different life for ourselves. A life that wouldn’t require a nine-to-five schedule, a gray office or a long commute. A life where most of our time was spent living rather than working for someone else. We didn’t want our best days to start at 5pm on Friday and end at 11pm on Sunday.
And for the most part that is happening, yet, not totally. I haven’t given myself total permission yet (see my previous posts) to dive into the lifestyle that I was craving. The lifestyle that made me want to leave the metro and city behind. I’ve been so worried, scared and fearful of what bliss and control would look like that I’ve only skimmed the surface.
I hear the familiar voices in my head saying… what will people think? they will think I’m having way too much fun, that I’m not miserable enough, the I’m not responsible, or serious, or deserving of such a relaxed life. That I’m not contributing. That I’m lazy. That no one will get it or respect me. That I’m not legitimate or professional.
That just needs to stop. Sometimes I have to say out loud, SHUT UP, WHO CARES! And then I get in the car and drive to the local garden center because I can. Because I choose to stop making excuses and worrying about who thinks it’s self-indulgent to take a break in the middle of the day to go flower and plant shopping. Who cares if I’m a plant killer or I don’t really need plants to exist. But to live, I do.
One of my favorite quotes is by Mother Teresa…
People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten;
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
I read this every single day. Because I want to be more like that. Do. It. Anyway.
Other stuff that is contributing to my sanity, gratitude and happiness lately? Less social media. I don’t get on twitter throughout the day anymore. I just can’t. It’s too much mind-clutter and I find myself frustrated with all those thoughts. They aren’t adding anything to my life. Less facebook, it’s the same. I go on, tell anyone who cares that I made a blog posts and I immediately log off. I worried that my online relationships would suffer, and perhaps they will, but I can’t worry about that.
Less email checking. I still check as soon as I wake up, but then I go away. I eat breakfast, alone, at the table or on the couch. No mouse in hand, not scrolling screens.
Being present. I never really understood this until recently. When I realized that my head space was consumed with worry, fears, thoughts, planning, on and on and on. I was spending time running words through my head, thoughts, and just plan craziness. And then I just decide in that moment to be there. It helps me to make a mental note of what I’m touching or smelling or physically feeling to help me zero in with the present. And once I’m there, all the mind clutter fades out.
More time outside. This morning I planted flowers, yesterday I mowed the lawn. The day before that I dug out a walkway. I need to be outside more than I ever thought. It clears my head and my heart.
I want my mornings to be spent with sweet basil and dirt.
And while a good chunk of my time is spent sitting in front of my laptop working, I like to know that I have these other foundations to keep me balanced. I believe that you can have your work, whatever it may be, and these pockets of bliss too. These moments when the TV, cellphone and computers are off and we do something just because it feels good. Because it makes us who we are.
*****
Yesterday I finished my day of eating with couscous and a salad for lunch, shrimp and vegetables (with homemade salsa and guacamole) for dinner and a drumstick ice cream for a treat. I was around 1,800 calories for the day and I did 35 minutes of push mowing and 45 minutes of walking/jogging for 2 miles. I burned 700 calories.
This morning I had a breakfast burrito with two scrambled eggs, salsa, and guacamole for 350 calories. Yum!
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