Oh joy of joys! Our closest Vietnamese restaurant is now serving grilled pork vermicelli! This is heaven in a bowl and I could eat it every single day. Sauce droplets on my shirt or not, this is my top 10 favorite things to eat.
Luckily, it’s right next to the Oasis World Market where I can stock up on my own vermicelli and drinks like Mr. Brown’s Macadamia Nut Coffee. I love date night/day! Which consisted of Vietnamese food, Target and Home Depot. Nothing says romance like a trip to Home Depot for stepping stones.
Gah! I used to hate going to Lowes with my dad, now I actually want to go.
I have something else to share, but first…
Thank you, thank you, thank you for the comments on my last post. All of those words, and thoughtfulness are not lost on me. They are encouraging and confirm why I am still writing and sharing my life. We are not alone, is there anything more comforting than someone nodding along and getting it?
I’m working desperately at letting the negativity roll off my back. Letting my skin firm up a bit. And stop waiting for other people to grant me permission to carry on. Why do I do that? It reminds me of this quote I read yesterday by Susan Satog,”Do stuff. be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. stay eager.” I want to be more like that, to take the rock out of my shoe and stop waiting for someone to grant me permission and tell me I’m worth it.
So what does the photo of my dining room table have to do with this? It’s kind of the point.
So often there are things I want to do for myself, little pleasures that I find so satisfying and pleasing, yet I won’t do them. I hear these horrible thoughts on repeat: you don’t deserve to sit and eat at a pretty table, what a waste of time, that seems really silly and insignificant, there are people starving and you are worried about a place setting?, etc. etc. etc.
And these thoughts are so frequent in my head, that I just don’t bother. I’m so consumed with what I assume others with think if I wear red lipstick, or paint my nails with glitter polish, or sit in the rain, or jog down the street, or eat a beautiful meal, or set a nice place setting, that I just don’t do it. And it’s me. No one else, just me. As if, my happiness is insignificant. Or that I don’t deserve to laugh and have a good time or enjoy myself in this short life.
What I know to be true is that by not doing, I’m serving no one. I’m not better to the world by leading a lesser life. To not take these opportunities that I have and my freedom and time, is such a waste. To sacrifice myself in a way that just doesn’t make sense because other people are worse off is helpful to who?
And worst of all, is when I indulge the fear that once I start doing all of these good and happy things, that’s when the bad stuff starts happening. That’s when the sky falls.
The fear that if I start making more money, or creating a healthy body, or live in a neat house…that’s when I will get cancer, or something terrible happens.
I do this in relationships more often than I should ever admit. I will push away as to say “I knew you wouldn’t like me anyway” as a way to prove to myself that I just don’t deserve to have people. I reject them before they can reject me. Before they can see just how flawed I really am. This happens over and over and over.
And the logic behind it is scary sad and backwards. That somehow living a less-than life is better than living my best life to prevent bad things from happening. And as I share this, I know how sad it is. I can feel it in my soul and tell myself, that this belief is so wrong in so many ways. But, to believe it, to feel the truth of what I know to be true enough to live it – that’s another story.
So while this may seem silly and material, taking time to make a place setting is a little-big deal to me. When I do these little things, to make effort to look nice, or shave my legs, or plant a bed of flowers…while it may look like this superficial or pointless action to some, at the heart of it for me, it is giving myself permission to enjoy and celebrate my life. To have a little happiness. Because the truth is, when it’s all said and done and I’m taking my last breath, no one will stand over me and thank me for not living my best life.
And that’s what being healthy looks like for me. It’s being self-aware and unapologetic. It’s being kind and giving myself full permission to say “yes I do deserve the effort”. I know that losing weight is calories in and calories out, it’s about eating less and moving more. That part is simple. The hard part is creating a new habit on the path of “I deserve better”. And that’s where my struggle has always nestled so comfortably. That is why I start and stop, try new things, read new books, do new DVDs, in hopes that they will convince me what I already know to be true: I’m worth the effort.
And by doing these other little happy things, like setting a place setting or making a nice dinner, I instill that belief even more. It becomes my reality.
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