Tag: Happiness

When I Wake Up Tomorrow

First, thank you to those who took the time to comment and participate during the Waiting For Hunger challenge. And then my life got really busy and blogging got pushed down to the bottom. And that’s just how it goes. I’m still waiting for hunger and would love to revisit this challenge again in the very near future, because writing during the day is helpful for me.

I have to admit that things got foggy right when I stopped blogging my experience. I’ve had so much going on that I still turned to food. Emotional eating is real. I have been a participant my whole life. Who am I to be changed in a week? It’s an ongoing process.

The question I’m asking myself is, how do I stick to my goals when life gets busy? I love being busy, I love getting things done, productivity is a huge portion of my happiness. But, there are times when I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, or don’t know where to start. I get overwhelmed. I put things off. And those are the times when I find myself in the kitchen looking for something to eat. Hungry or not.

My work life doesn’t end at 5pm. I don’t shut down the computer and head for home to watch TV and make dinner. I do both things, almost daily, but then I head back to work. Because I love it. There are times when I overextend myself and end up coping or punishing myself with food.

Busy for me, is starting a clothing line (that opens in two days!), creating jewelry, updating and working on all my blogs (there are four), checking and sifting through many emails, making sure I’m on top of all my design deadlines, cooking and cleaning (lots of both), juggling meetings and office time, finding new work, creating new experiences for myself and making time to rest, be social, have husband time and most importantly exercise.

And I love these aspects of my life so much, they are why I wake up happy in the morning. I love that I have the freedom to choose my day. I want to use my time better, in realizing that my life is my own pattern and if there is something I need to happen. It’s up to me to make it happen.

So with that said, I feel like there are a few hurdles that I need to jump before making my life work for me in the healthiest possible way. The first one is self-worth and self-esteem. So often I get kind compliments/comments from people regarding the way I live my life. A way that seems natural to me. And I often feel like I’m just pretending. That any minute someone will raise the curtain and find out how bad I really am at everything I do.

And it’s crazy. My negative voice is loud and it haunts me. It tells me what other people could be thinking about me. It criticizes my decisions. It makes me feel worthless and uninteresting. It tells me that people know I’m not smart and are just humoring me. It tells me that I will never make things happen in a real way. It tells me that I’m not worth goodness. And often I have conversations in my head are along the lines of “they will think this of me if I do that”, “so and so doesn’t really like me”, “they think I’m an idiot”. But, I realize that people do not think that, I think that about myself. And then I step down from it and move on.

I was reading a Blogging Your Way e-course description that read “… [we will] show(s) you how to use your blog as a catalyst to create your best life.” And out loud I said, yes! That one sentence is why I blog. I blog because I show myself how to live my best life. I challenge myself to think a little longer and to put myself out there when it is uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is a good thing if you’re willing to face it. And I’m trying to face it.

I was reading quotes from Steve Jobs from his Stanford Speech and this one stood out “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” I just love the second to last line. I want to have the courage to make mistakes and face them.

As I was sewing a scarf of my own design yesterday evening. I realized that I made a mistake in the construction. I needed three closures instead of two or would look weird. And so I pulled out my seam ripper, took a deep breath, and starting breaking my imperfect seams. This was a challenge for me on several levels. I first had to admit that I made a mistake. And then I had to face the mistake and make a decision. Do I scrap the project and call myself a failure? Do I keep going, pretending that I didn’t make the mistake and sit on a bad project that doesn’t make me proud? Or do I suck it up and try again. I chose the latter, but not without wincing. I was uncomfortable. I sat with it and walked myself through a game plan.

I would rip the seam. Make another loop. Position the loops again and sew the seam back up.

And while it’s just sewing I learned many lessons about myself in the process. The first lesson is that I’ve been scared to face my mistakes. I’ve been covering them up and punishing myself for not being perfect the first time. The second lesson is making a decision. So often, I walk (or run) away from myself or others instead of facing what is uncomfortable. Instead of making a plan of action, I drop the ball. And finally, I learned that I struggle with feelings of inferiority and discomfort and when faced with them, I eat.

And so when I revisited the “Ideal Day” task, I started asking myself “If I could wake up tomorrow, what would I like to be different?”. I sat down with a new word document and typed. I typed a story that I was picturing each step of the way. I pictured myself waking up in a bedroom where clothes weren’t piling up on the floor. Where the clean sheets were soft and the bed was plush. I walked to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. 135 blinked back at me. My hair was long and shiny. My body is not perfect, but strong. I pull my hair back. Put on workout clothes. Get my ipod ready and I head out for a jog. Because that is where I feel free and weightless. It’s early, but not dark. I’m rested.

I head back to the house and fix a nice breakfast. I sit down and enjoy it with my husband. We talk. I read a little. I take a shower and get dressed for the day. I head to my bright studio and return emails. I work for four hours on projects. I meet design deadlines. I feel accomplished. I’m on top of my work and not stressed. I’m not behind. And then I go make lunch. I take my time eating. Or some days I meet a friend for lunch. And take a short walk outside. I might have a dog to walk.

I head back in and work on creative projects through the evening. I take time to learn new skills. I’m patient with myself. I document my process and day, because I love doing those things. I take time to blog and plan my blogs. I do a little cleaning and then I make something glorious for dinner. The house is clean and organized. Every room is decorated to my (our) taste. So eat and enjoy some sort of exercise like zumba or yoga. I settle in for the night with a project and TV with Josh. Or I come back to my creative space if I want. I spend time with Josh. I brush my teeth and wash my face before bed. I crawl into our plush bed.

That’s the shortened version, but sums up my ideal day. And then I went back and put all the words in bold that I could make happen today. 98% of that, I could have within the week. That says something. It says something about how I intentionally bring myself down. That I don’t always believe I’m worth the effort. That what makes me happy is within my reach. And all those actions on my ideal day, help bring me to the 1% that won’t happen in a week. Which is a much lower, much healthier (for me) weight.

I’ve inspired myself to live my ideal day and set up my life and environment for it. I’m not expecting perfection, but I can do better for myself. I really can. There are things that I’m not doing because I don’t feel worthy. It’s bull crap. It really is. I’m worth whatever I need to make my ideal day happen.

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Happiness In a Bowl

This is one of my very favorite salads. Arugula, tomatoes, avocado, sea salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil. Does it get any easier?

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Tags Avocado, fat, Happiness, Olive Oil, Red Wine Vinegar, Salads, Sea Salt, Tomatoes

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What I Really Want

You know what? Getting old is weird. Weird and confusing. I’d go as far to say that 28 is even more confusing than 18, if not more. At 18 I knew where I was headed: college. I knew what I wanted: to have a good time, to find a boyfriend, to hang out with my friends, to learn something new.

If someone had asked me when I was 18, what I thought 28 would look like, I’m not sure this would be it. And that’s not a bad thing. Really, I’m pleased as punch with where I’ve landed. I never would have seen Josh coming. A real living and breathing boyfriend. And a husband? What? Or some time spent in a big city. Or even happiness and dare I say contenment in a smaller town than the one I grew up in.

I thought I’d be thin by now. I thought I might have a child or a fancy-pants-high-paying job.

But now, at 28 there aren’t clear-cut paths. There are so many unknowns, second-guesses and doubts that my head starts to spin the second my feet hit the ground in the morning. What will today be? Who will I be tomorrow? What will I look like in five years? Every single decision, step, choice is up to me. I never realized that at 18. I never realized that I was the deciding factor. I am the player in my own life.

At 28 I realize that my life is continually about self-improvement. And that’s where, mentally, I’ve been lately. Some days it’s hard for me to tell the difference between…am I crazy? wrong? right? justified? Or is it everyone else? Am I headed in the right direction? Am I stuck? I’m always evaluated my last steps and planning for the next ones to come.

And I’ve come to finally realize that the big neon letters flashing in my background read: self-esteem. And my bank of self-esteem is low and is has been for a long time. I am understanding that my inner-critic makes life, decisions, relationships, conversations and pretty much everything much more complicated and difficult than it really is. I feel pain on a daily basis. Sometimes I can move forward and go along with the crowd pretending the voice inside me isn’t bringing me down.

The voice, my voice, tells me that I don’t deserve goodness. That I don’t deserve the effort. That I’m flawed. That I make too many mistakes. That I’ll fail again. That I won’t do it perfectly. And if you’ve been here, even for a little while, you’ll know how paralyzing it is. How much effort goes into defense and protection. How often I work to keep people away so they can’t hurt me. How fragile I really am.

And it’s all related. My issues with food and my self-worth go hand in hand. And I’m doing the work. I count my calories, I exercise and good things are happening. But, the elephant in the room is: this won’t last until I seriously work on my insides. Unless I love myself and trust myself. I have a lot of work to do in clearing out the voices, the doubt, the worry and every thought that tells me: you can’t do it.

Because I know, logically, I can. And I will. I just need to feel good enough to believe it. To silence the voice that tells me otherwise. A piece that fears feeling like I’m enough, isn’t going to be enough. There is a lot of love out there for me, I just have to let it in.

I started doing Jillian Michael’s Ripped in 30 and I couldn’t help but stare at the three women in the video (including Jillian, of course) and see bodies that were cared for. Strong, muscular, lean, fit women were staring back at me. And I wanted that. I admitted to wanting what they have. The self love and dedication that they each have for themselves (unapologetically) to feel and look the way they do. The pride they take in their bodies inspired me.

Looking like that does not have to come from self-hate or trying to live up to certain unattainable standards. I always thought it did. But, I’ve cleared out those thoughts enough to realize that it would be very hard to get to that point with negative self-talk. This isn’t about deprivation, thinness from starvation, or skipping meals, it’s about fitness and health. And I can see the difference now.

I can admit now to wanting that for myself. I do really want that. There is a part of me that fears that I will never look like that, and you know what? I won’t. But being fat and fearing never having a perfect body is no reason not to give myself the chance. To show up and give myself the opportunity for health and confidence. It would mean the world times a thousand to get to that point and to help other women just like me do the same. That’s what I really, truly, deep down want.

I save photos of women working out because it inspires me. I clip quotes and read them because they motivate me. I don’t want to be ashamed of this anymore. I don’t want to worry that others will think I’m (dare I say) shallow because I want to be physically fit and feel attractive. To be considered, hot even.

I want to bring that part of me here. The part that shares my inspiration, and is not ashamed to say: damnit, I’m doing this, either get on board or not. But mostly loving myself enough to actually make it happen.

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