Tag: Strong Desire

Categories
General Weight Loss Tips

Minus 50 to 29

This post has been a few weeks coming, I’ve been nailing down exactly what I want to say and my plan. It’s been awhile since I’ve made any concrete weight loss goals on this blog, and I’m ready to make it happen. I want to lose 50 pounds for my 29th birthday on March 14th. That’s exactly four months, 16 weeks, and 111 days. 50 pounds for me, at my weight is totally reasonable, and of course, if I lose 40, that is reason to celebrate, but 50 is what I’m aiming for.

I’ve shied away from making weight loss goals public, because there is a little part of me that worries that people will think I’m setting myself up for failure and give me advice to just have other smaller or slower goals. To be reasonable with myself. I want to get into it and make it happen. And not just in a way that will only work short term.

While I was visiting Dole, I had the opportunitiy to stop over at the California Health and Longevity Institute which was incredible. If I ever have a spare few thousand, I’m high tailing it to California for a thorough health assessment. During my time there, I was given an hour-long healthy life consultation with a nice lady named Claudia.

Before I even sat down she had read my blog and had printed out notes for me. She was ready. I told her that I struggle with consistency in my life, in all ways. I get really excited and then I drop everything. The tool that she gave me to keep going, was so simple, yet powerful. She told me that when I have the strong desire to drop everything and flee, to ask myself how much can I do?

For example, can I exercise for five minutes? If I can, to do just five minutes. Or one minute. Whatever I can do, to do it. I told her that I struggle with that in two ways, 1) not thinking it’s enough and 2) feeling like I was tricking myself into doing more even though I said just five minutes. And then she told me something, that was a huge “a’ha!” moment for me…

It’s not about the five minutes of exercise for the sake of getting in exercise. It’s the act of doing something when I didn’t want to. She assured me that after doing this several times, I would build up confidence and the habit of doing things when I didn’t want to.

And then I got it. I struggle with lasting changes because I never get to the point of them becoming a habit. I feel like I have to go big or go home, and when I can’t give 100% I don’t try at all.

She said that when I go out and run-jog-walk for an hour, I’m setting myself up to come up with a thousand excuses on days when I can’t wrap my head around an hour spent exercising. That mentally, if I can’t do my best everyday, that I can’t do it at all, and it sets me back and I feel like a failure.

I want a weight loss goal again. I want to delve into the mode and make it happen. I’ve been coasting along with eating well enough, and exercising when I feel like it, but it’s not getting me anywhere, because I don’t have a goal. I do believe that weight loss is a result and not a goal, but having some numbers to reach for is motivating.

50 pounds, would put me at the lowest weight this blog has ever seen. It will mean smaller clothes and more mobility. It also means getting our photos taken professionally again. I told Josh I’d like to have our pictures taken every 50 pounds that I lose.

I’m getting to a place where it’s now or never. I refuse to enter my 30’s as an obese woman. I just cannot do that. I deserve more.

My plan of action is to count calories using MyFitnessPal, Lorriebee and restarting the Insanity program (with days of zumba, strength and running outside when it’s nice).  As always I will use this blog to track my progress through photos, what I’m eating, daily thoughts and struggles and celebrations.

 

Related Blogs

  • Related Blogs on fat
  • Sagd
Categories
General Weight Loss Tips

My Potential Excites Me

September marks the beginning of my favorite season of the year, Fall! I love you Fall, we’re good friends. I cannot for the life of me enter Fall without thinking of school supplies, apples, pumpkins, hay rides and craft festivals. And though it’s not technically Fall, the chilly mornings in Floyd remind me that it’s just around the corner. I have a strong desire to throw on a hoodie with flip flops and enjoy a cup of coffee outside. It’s gonna happen.

So goals. I was talking to my lady friends Krissie and Miranda via email yesterday and said something that I wanted to share here. A big something that has been bothering me and as soon as I wrote it, I felt better and realized that wow, I am really way too hard on myself.

“I would like to be more zen about my blogging process and not worry so much about negativity or advice that comes my way when I blog for me. I have thin skin, it’s bad. I care too much. And when I do go back and reread, I cringe. I cringe about failed challenges, promises and goals. I cringe that I continue to put myself out there and fall short. I cringe that people read what I write. My poor writing skills, my inability to stick with anything. It often feels like blogging puts a big flashlight on everything I do wrong in my life. I wanted to do a september goals post, but I’m so paralyzed about the public display of goals and failed attempts that it just makes me too sad to continue putting myself out there.”

And for reasons that I will never talk about in this space, I know exactly why I keep feeling this way. Inadequate. I lead my life like I’m not good enough because for many reasons, deep down, as good as I try to be, I don’t feel good enough. And honestly, if this doesn’t make trying to change your life and take care of yourself that much harder, I don’t know what is.

This is heavy stuff and I don’t put it out in the world because I want people to tell me that I’m awesome. My husband, friends and family reassure me that I’m doing good things. For the duration of my life I’ve been yearning for other people to validate me, to make me feel worthy. And let me tell you, if you’re waiting for the world to make you feel good about youself, you’re going to be waiting for a very long time. Stacked up against every other person in the world, you will never be enough. But for you, you can be everything. I speak in “yous” often, but what I mean is “me”. I’m telling this to myself because it’s blaringly obvious to everyone else, words that I hear often: you’re to hard on yourself. Yes, I know.

And even as I type this. I hear the voice in my head talking in a very stern voice. You aren’t good enough. If you ever accept yourself you will never change. People think you’re stupid. No one respects you. Why aren’t you doing better? You have to feel bad about yourself to do anything right. And it’s all bullshit. Because I dare anyone who reads this to tell me it didn’t take them years before they were success with weight loss, their career or whatever it is that they’re trying to be good at. Or I dare anyone who reads this to tell me that they haven’t made the same goal many times before it clicked. Or anyone to fail at something all the time. I fail constantly at trying to lose weight. But, my goodness it so does not have to define me. I choose to put myself here, I continue to make goals, because it gets me up in the morning. My potential excites me. I have strong hope, despite the negative voice in my head, that I can do whatever it is that I seek out to do. It may not look like it should, the path is bumpy and unreliable, but that doesn’t mean much. I’m not just a fat person. I’m not just a person who battles with the insane desire to eat until I’m sick. This isn’t all that I am.

Lawsy, that was a lot. I’m answering my own questions in these lengthy posts. The more that I write the more I resolve what it is that I’m seeking. And I know at the heart of it, this is why I continue to write here. Why I share even when it’s embarrassing to admit that I didn’t follow through, yet again, because oh my lord, do you guys really care? Do you care that I’m still here? Do you care that I make goals and meet a fourth of them, do you think I’m a failure? And if you do, should it really matter to me?

Should I care if you think it was crazy to start Paleo? Or crazy to said I wouldn’t eat sugar for a whole year and then six months later eat ice cream over the weekend with my husband? Or not worth continuing to make goals because I didn’t always get to the place I was headed? I’m writing this to myself now: I am worth every single goal I set for myself. I am worth the hope of being better every single day. And more importantly I’m worth the effort. Being healthy is the ultimate goal, and I so deserve the outcome.

It’s funny, when I started this public journey almost five (five!!) years ago, I thought it would be simple. I thought I would plug in my points, go to the meetings, and blog my experience. I lost 50 pounds in NYC, but I was walking all the freakin’ time. Weight loss was how I got around in New York, on my own two feet. And while there is no doubt a lesson in that, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been avoiding the elephant in the room: Dealing with my head first. I can start a million programs or exercise regimens, and while on their own, when successful may boost my self-worth, I have to decide first that I’m worth the effort. That has never been my goal. I’ve wanted to lose weight because I was teased, because some members of my family have/had issue with my weight, because I don’t feel respected because of my weight, because I worry what others thing, because I want my husband to be proud, because I want to show everyone else that I’m worth their time. If I don’t believe I’m worth the work, then even at 130 pounds, not many people will believe it either.

And nine paragraphs later. I’m ready to make some goals for September. Some are big, some are small and I’m okay with not being perfect. These are goals based on habits and activities that make me feel good about myself.

1) Keep a private journal. Writing is my therapy (can you tell?), it helps me to process information and sort through my feelings. It makes me feel lighter.

2) Cook more. I have so many saved recipes that I want to make. My diet is wide open now. There are no off limit foods anymore. I want to explore everything this month. I want to be in my kitchen every single day trying something new. I want to feed my husband and myself really good food. Life changing food.

3) Keep a food journal. Nothing helps me more than keeping a food journal. Especially when I’m actually doing it. I love going back to see what I was eating. I love challenging myself with questions of “am I really hungry?” , “do I really want this?” As always, you can follow me on Myfitnesspal, I’m Lorriebee.

4) Create an exercise schedule with Josh. We’re working on a calendar this month, I will share when it’s done.

5) Believe in myself and surround myself with inspiring thoughts.

 

 

 

Related Blogs

  • Related Blogs on fat
Categories
General Weight Loss Tips

And the Cycle Starts

If talk about PMS or hormones make you squeamish, you might want to skip this post because I’m about to lay it all out.

I have really bad PMS.

And I don’t think there are many women out there that talk about it. When I talk about PMS or period woes in general other women seem to give me a look that says “yeah? what’s new?” or a look that seems to say “deal with it” or “I can’t believe you’re complaining about PMS”.  Looks aside, I want to know that I’m not alone, so I write this here because sometimes when a doctor asks me why I have trouble with eating, I want to ask them…is there anything you can do about PMS?

And while I take full responsibilty for my actions. Food doesn’t just go from hand to mouth on it’s own- I find the forces of nature to be a huge struggle for me when it comes to weight loss.

Here’s what I mean…

You know that in the past two weeks I lost 10 pounds? I’ve documented my food on myfitnesspal.com and my thoughts here. For the past two weeks I’ve been indifferent to food. I took out the triggers and was seeing real results from it. I was going about my day working away at my desk and I would think “oh! I’m hungry. Time to eat…” and that was that. And then I’d go on without any obsessive thoughts about food.

And while taking out the triggers has helped (a lot) I can’t help but think that starting this new plan  during and right after my period made it that much easier. I was not battling hormones.

Here we are two weeks before my next period and I’m dealing with a strong desire to overeat. Part of me thinks “see this is what happens when you cut out delicious simple carbs! they come back and haunt you!” but I’m not and I wasn’t deprived. I eat what I want and what is delicious to me.

But this week, I want to eat everything in site. I’m bloated. I have feelings of hopelessness. I’m struggling with focus. I’m in the part of the cycle where it wouldn’t be just a taste of anything. One donut, or one slice of pizza would not satisfy me. It would need to be all or nothing.

And this is why losing weight is a struggle. For two weeks of the month, I could care less about food. I drop weight. 10 pounds is easy. And then hormone week stomps right on in. I’m retaining water. Before I know it I’m back up four pounds. And then I eat. And I’m back up another four pounds. And then I get sad and frustrated because yet again…I’ve lost and gained the same ten pounds– so then I eat. A day later I’m back right where I started. And this my friends, is my struggle. And I’ve never shared this portion of my issues.

For fear of advice, that “well, if you just did this…” or “if you weren’t doing that” or the “you’re doing it all wrong!” .

What I’ve decided to do is share. And that is right. I’ve also decided on an action plan. A two week action plan to get me through until I’m back to feeling normal about food.

It involves exercise, protein, fresh fruit and vegetables, plenty of sleep, journaling (lots of writing!), meditation and checking in with myself daily. I won’t let these two weeks derail my process. So what if I’m dealing with a little water bloat? It will go away and I will continue losing weight.

What I won’t do is bake, sneak around, or eat trigger foods. That’s the cycle.

Related Blogs

  • Related Blogs on fat