Tag: Freedom

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General Weight Loss Tips

Brain Over Binge: Part 2: What I’m Learning

Tomorrow makes one week since I started reading and implementing the tools of Brain Over Binge.  In that week I’ve come to realize a few things that are helping this process:

1) Not every urge or feeling means something. I used to believe that all of my urges and feelings were me, that by not acting on them I was somehow denying myself and being unauthentic to who I am. And on some small level, I already got this. Denying every feeling is uncomfortable and often the only thing I’m fighting is the feeling or urge in and of itself, not the actual thought or feeling.

Here’s an example: Sometimes I over think situations and my relationships with people. Often I find myself truly not understanding the motives of a person and examining them. I mull over every detail  in frustration until I feel nauseous and agitated. This is especially true when I believe their actions are wrong, hurting me or themselves. These thoughts take over my mind and I gave them freedom to take over. I do this so often that is became comfortable and familiar, like a bad habit. Like eating 10 cookies. But now, I’m acknowledging that sometimes I just default and it doesn’t mean anything about me or the other person. Not every thing needs attention, examining, or confronting. Sometimes I just need to achnowledge the feeling and move on.

This is the same with the urge to eat more. Those urges are not me, but sometimes it’s confusing to know the difference because I’ve learned to give weight to them in my own, evolved voice that reasons and sides with the urges.

This is what they sound like: You already ate that cookie, you might as well eat all of them and start over tomorrow. Your breakfast wasn’t perfect you might as well eat everything you want for the rest of the day. You’ve been so good these past few days, you can slack off today. You didn’t lose any weight today, might as well throw in the towel and get serious tomorrow. 

2) I do not need the scale right now. It’s true, eating less usually results in weight loss, but not always and not every single day. Logically I understand this. I know that a few days before my period I hold on to water. I know that exercise makes me hold on to water as well. I know that salty foods make me hold on to water. I don’t want to use the scale as an excuse or motivator right now. So today, I’m taking it out of the bathroom.

3) Finding my voice. One of the biggest challenges right now is finding my higher voice and listening to it. My higher voice is logical and doesn’t want to binge. It doesn’t want to keep eating or make myself sick. It wants me to succeed and move forward and grow. But sometimes it tries to justify and encourage my urges and feelings that aren’t me, my animal voice. It’s helpful for me to have a clear idea of what I do want on a very basic level so that I can easily access this information. It’s also helpful to have it written down and handy. Sometimes I can honestly convince myself that I want to binge, that it’s who I am, but I know better.

4) Knowing the difference between overeating (or eating too much) and binge eating. This one is very personal and looks different for everyone. This topic is covered a lot in Brain Over Binge. People who do not have any sort of binge eating disorder, eat too much on occasion. Having a second cookie, another slice of pizza, or seconds is not binge eating. Sometimes I simply eat more than what I need and that’s all it is.  To me, at it’s heart, binge eating is eating that is in excess. If it interrupts my life or causes me to be unhealthy, it is binge eating. I have never eaten as much in one sitting as the author of Brain Over Binge, but that doesn’t mean that my excess or binge eating hasn’t caused health issues  like obesity or disrupted my life by over taking my thoughts and actions.

4) Practice makes semi-perfect. Changing my mindset is taking work. It’s taking practice and meditation. It’s not always a huge struggle because I’m not fighting my urges, I’m just sitting with them, but it’s still new to me. I still fear that I can’t do this or that I’m fooling myself. I still hear the words of therapy and self-help books ringing in my ears that I need to fix my life or find fulfillment or get over depression or find self-esteem. Everday isn’t perfect, and I’m becoming okay with that. I’m just riding it out. It’s been helpful to create mantras of self-talk written down and handy. It’s also helpful knowing that my urges cannot access my movement and that I always have the choice to binge or not. It’s totally up to me. I know that it isn’t going to be easy at first, and I’m prepared for ups and downs, but I know it doesn’t have the be the biggest struggle in my life.

 

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When I Wake Up Tomorrow

First, thank you to those who took the time to comment and participate during the Waiting For Hunger challenge. And then my life got really busy and blogging got pushed down to the bottom. And that’s just how it goes. I’m still waiting for hunger and would love to revisit this challenge again in the very near future, because writing during the day is helpful for me.

I have to admit that things got foggy right when I stopped blogging my experience. I’ve had so much going on that I still turned to food. Emotional eating is real. I have been a participant my whole life. Who am I to be changed in a week? It’s an ongoing process.

The question I’m asking myself is, how do I stick to my goals when life gets busy? I love being busy, I love getting things done, productivity is a huge portion of my happiness. But, there are times when I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, or don’t know where to start. I get overwhelmed. I put things off.  And those are the times when I find myself in the kitchen looking for something to eat. Hungry or not.

My work life doesn’t end at 5pm. I don’t shut down the computer and head for home to watch TV and make dinner. I do both things, almost daily, but then I head back to work. Because I love it. There are times when I overextend myself and end up coping or punishing myself with food.

Busy for me, is starting a clothing line (that opens in two days!), creating jewelry, updating and working on all my blogs (there are four), checking and sifting through many emails, making sure I’m on top of all my design deadlines, cooking and cleaning (lots of both), juggling meetings and office time, finding new work, creating new experiences for myself and making time to rest, be social, have husband time and most importantly exercise.

And I love these aspects of my life so much, they are why I wake up happy in the morning. I love that I have the freedom to choose my day. I want to use my time better, in realizing that my life is my own pattern and if there is something I need to happen. It’s up to me to make it happen.

So with that said, I feel like there are a few hurdles that I need to jump before making my life work for me in the healthiest possible way. The first one is self-worth and self-esteem. So often I get kind compliments/comments from people regarding the way I live my life. A way that seems natural to me. And I often feel like I’m just pretending. That any minute someone will raise the curtain and find out how bad I really am at everything I do.

And it’s crazy. My negative voice is loud and it haunts me. It tells me what other people could be thinking about me. It criticizes my decisions. It makes me feel worthless and uninteresting. It tells me that people know I’m not smart and are just humoring me. It tells me that I will never make things happen in a real way. It tells me that I’m not worth goodness. And often I have conversations in my head are along the lines of “they will think this of me if I do that”, “so and so doesn’t really like me”, “they think I’m an idiot”. But, I realize that people do not think that, I think that about myself. And then I step down from it and move on.

I was reading a Blogging Your Way e-course description that read “… [we will] show(s) you how to use your blog as a catalyst to create your best life.” And out loud I said, yes! That one sentence is why I blog. I blog because I show myself how to live my best life. I challenge myself to think a little longer and to put myself out there when it is uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is a good thing if you’re willing to face it. And I’m trying to face it.

I was reading quotes from Steve Jobs from his Stanford Speech and this one stood out “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” I just love the second to last line. I want to have the courage to make mistakes and face them.

As I was sewing a scarf of my own design yesterday evening. I realized that I made a  mistake in the construction. I needed three closures instead of two or would look weird. And so I pulled out my seam ripper, took a deep breath, and starting breaking my imperfect seams. This was a challenge for me on several levels. I first had to admit that I made a mistake. And then I had to face the mistake and make a decision. Do I scrap the project and call myself a failure? Do I keep going, pretending that I didn’t make the mistake and sit on a bad project that doesn’t make me proud? Or do I suck it up and try again.  I chose the latter, but not without wincing. I was uncomfortable.  I sat with it and walked myself through a game plan.

I would rip the seam. Make another loop. Position the loops again and sew the seam back up.

And while it’s just sewing I learned many lessons about myself in the process. The first lesson is that I’ve been scared to face my mistakes. I’ve been covering them up and punishing myself for not being perfect the first time. The second lesson is making a decision. So often, I walk (or run) away from myself or others instead of facing what is uncomfortable. Instead of making a plan of action, I drop the ball. And finally, I learned that I struggle with feelings of inferiority and discomfort and when faced with them, I eat.

And so when I revisited the “Ideal Day” task, I started asking myself “If I could wake up tomorrow, what would I like to be different?”. I sat down with a new word document and typed. I typed a story that I was picturing each step of the way. I pictured myself waking up in a bedroom where clothes weren’t piling up on the floor. Where the clean sheets were soft and the bed was plush. I walked to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. 135 blinked back at me. My hair was long and shiny. My body is not perfect, but strong. I pull my hair back. Put on workout clothes. Get my ipod ready and I head out for a jog. Because that is where I feel free and weightless. It’s early, but not dark. I’m rested.

I head back to the house and fix a nice breakfast. I sit down and enjoy it with my husband. We talk. I read a little. I take a shower and get dressed for the day. I head to my bright studio and return emails. I work for four hours on projects. I meet design deadlines. I feel accomplished. I’m on top of my work and not stressed. I’m not behind. And then I go make lunch. I take my time eating. Or some days I meet a friend for lunch. And take a short walk outside. I might have a dog to walk.

I head back in and work on creative projects through the evening. I take time to learn new skills. I’m patient with myself. I document my process and day, because I love doing those things. I take time to blog and plan my blogs. I do a little cleaning and then I make something glorious for dinner. The house is clean and organized. Every room is decorated to my (our) taste. So eat and enjoy some sort of exercise like zumba or yoga. I settle in for the night with a project and TV with Josh. Or I come back to my creative space if I want. I spend time with Josh. I brush my teeth and wash my face before bed. I crawl into our plush bed.

That’s the shortened version, but sums up my ideal day. And then I went back and put all the words in bold that I could make happen today. 98% of that, I could have within the week. That says something. It says something about how I intentionally bring myself down. That I don’t always believe I’m worth the effort.  That what makes me happy is within my reach. And all those actions on my ideal day, help bring me to the 1% that won’t happen in a week. Which is a much lower, much healthier (for me) weight.

I’ve inspired myself to live my ideal day and set up my life and environment for it. I’m not expecting perfection, but I can do better for myself. I really can. There are things that I’m not doing because I don’t feel worthy. It’s bull crap. It really is. I’m worth whatever I need to make my ideal day happen.

 

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Trimming the Fat

I’ve been reading so many books lately that are rocking my world and changing my perspective. I would like to consider myself someone who is open (yet reluctant at times) to evolving my opinion and changing what I’m doing. Sometimes I worry that people see it as flighty and at times it can be, but I like to be aware of what behaviors are and are not working for me. If something doesn’t feel right I either try to change it, or change the way I look at it.

What book am I speaking of?

If you read nothing else this summer, please read this one. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. I’m only a few pages in and I’m seeing the changes ahead of me. At first glance I thought this book was going to be about living on less, buying less and being a better consumer. And while it does touch on those subjects, Leo talks a lot about doing less. I could not have read this at a better time.

Lately (as you will notice from my lack of blog posting) that I’ve been a wee bit busy. We’re all busy right? Well, I’ve been piling things on. Saying yes when I should say no, getting less sleep, constantly trying to catch-up with my work and just trying to stay above water. All the while hoping that it would all take me to a place of productivity, more money and more freedom. I was wrong. I goodness I was wrong.

You remember my cough from a few weeks ago? I’m still coughing. I feel better, and the cough is less, but I’m still coughing. And the work that I am getting done feels rushed- a feeling that I’m truly not comfortable with.

In The Power of Less Leo compares two journalists. One who writes thirty articles a week compared to the one who writes only one a week. The first journalist gets praise from his editor for his productivity which boosts him up to keep going, yet his articles are not well researched. The second journalist who spends more time researching, writing and re-writing isn’t praised immediately, but respected. His article wins awards and propels his career. For a long time now I’ve the first journalist. And I really want to be the second one.

Leo talks about setting yearly goals; one or two instead of the typical 10-20 some of us (me!) set every year. He talks about trimming out excess tasks that aren’t getting you closer to your goals.

How is this related to weight loss?

My goal is better health through weight loss (or weight loss through better health!. It comes in different forms, has been mildly achieved, but still out there waiting for me to arrive. My banner begs to be changed to The Former Token Fat Girl. It’s the line blinking, waiting for me to type.

Just like a job that you show up for every day, a project with deadlines, or paying off debt- weight loss is a goal, a responsibility to myself to show up every day for, same as it were an item on my to-do list. I am just as important as the jewelry I make, the designs that are filed away on my computer and all the future interests I may have. I am more important.

My daily to-do lists make my head spin. They are paralyzing at times. They are unobtainable tasks mocking me from afar. The thing about my life is that I am my work. What I do to make a living is every bit apart of who I am. The ideas never stop. I don’t go home and settle down for the evening and turn off my creativity. When someone asks me to design a logo, if I’m lucky I will start to see how it’s going to look as a flash in my head. Sometimes I wake up with the design ideas in my head waiting for me to execute them. Often it feels like creativity is something I receive from an unknowing source. It just is.

But what I do have control over is how I spend my time and what is worth focusing on. I feel lucky that, for me, it is all intertwined. Being healthy, blogging, creating jewelry, designing…it’s all the same for me. It’s all creative, captivating and interesting. However, I’m at the point where I can’t carry so many torches. No matter how much I’d love to be a caterer, personal chef, interior designer, blogger, fitness guru, graphic design, metal smith, painter, illustrator, florist- all at the same time- I can’t. I have to let go. I have to focus.

I don’t want to mass produce jewelry, cramming in all I can the day before a show. If I only create a couple of pieces a month- pieces that are thought out, well executed and the best craftsmanship that I can produce- I will be happy, if not happier with my production. And with that I have decided to stop selling at markets and shows. I want fewer, high-quality items to represent me. Trimming the fat.

Next, there will be a major overhaul with my stuff. Getting rid of the excess, the unnecessary and unloved. The clutter that prevents the organization—the sanity.

I’m going to focus on less, fewer big goals with lots of small goals contributing to the big ones.

My big goals are:

1) Be healthy/lose weight and document the process here. To make myself a priority.

2) To create fewer, higher-quality pieces of jewelry a year.

3) To grow as a graphic designer.

Of course, I will still dabble for fun, but I’m going to stop trying to turn every interest into a career. I may change course next year and decide that I want to make handbags, or jars of salsa but that’s for me to decide next year.

Phew.

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