Tag: Freezer

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General Weight Loss Tips

Hand Me a Tissue

I don’t want to start this blog out by saying “I’ve been sick”, because that’s just not fun. It’s April and like clockwork, I’ve got a stuffy nose, itchy ears, piles of tissues everywhere and a cough to come. I haven’t tasted or smelled food in days. Many, many days. It takes the fun out of eating. Lately I just eat because I’m hungry and I have to. That’s a concept!

Last week I started emailing my daily food and calories to my dear friend of a million years and it felt so refreshing to say to someone “guess what? I had two smoothies and a subway sandwich today” without a return comment about balance, or how I should be eating more of this or less of that. Sometimes that’s all I want, peace with imperfection and less justification.

I know that for me, as soon as I start creating rules and rituals about what I should and should not eat, I get into obsessive eating trouble. Not that I don’t aim to have better eating habits, it’s just that so often I find that I create them more out of the approval of other people rather than my own belief system which is balance and moderation.

And that’s that. Moving on.

Edit: And of course, after writing this I go and read this wonderful post by Andie from Can You Stay For Dinner? Her post is so good, and so well written that I want to go to Seattle and give her a parade. Read: The Weight Loss Dilemma. 

My favorite line:

“Please know that there is nothing wrong with eating as cleanly as one can. (If you do and if you strive to- I applaud you.) There is similarly nothing wrong with having Skinny Cow ice cream bars in your freezer beside organic frozen vegetables. (Tell me you have Cool Whip?) There’s nothing wrong with any of it and my bottom line remains: Judging others’ eating styles and deeming food choices as inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ only leaves us feeling and looking ignorant and unenlightened. 

The point of this post, as always, is to let you know that there’s middle ground. And also that I don’t want this blog to exclude anyone who’s hungry. My table serves Kit Kats and kale chips in varying amounts.”

Thank you Andie!

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General Weight Loss Tips

You Can Have What You Want,

…but you can’t have everything you want.

That has been my food mantra from the past several days. I’m trying to replace old habits with new habits and it’s hard. It’s hard because my old ones are so close. There are many days when I know that my habit to overeat is in a closet just a few steps away ready to be opened to rescue me from whatever uncomfortable situation I’m dealing with. Often that situation is telling myself “no” when so often I’ve said yes.

I know in the back of my mind that I can overeat whenever I want,  that option is always there.  I can throw in the towel and just eat more. When this happens my brain shuts off. There are few rational thoughts that happen when I transfer  food to my mouth. Often while the TV is on and I’m alone. These are habits that I’ve cultivated, rationalized, and made sense of in some way for many years. And now I’m left to immerse myself in other behaviors that are less self-destructive and bring me closer to my goals.

This is the hard part.

I’ve realized that action is not difficult for me. Counting calories isn’t the bear I’ve made it out to be. Making time for exercise everyday is possible, even enjoyable. But it’s often my head and my old habits that get in the way.

Right now, the lengths I have to go to prevent overeating may seem extreme to other people. So much so, that I don’t share. I don’t  starve myself, purge, or punish myself in any way, but I have to become someone I’m naturally not. Someone who plans.

My life  has become a game of chess. I know the next five to ten moves I’m going to make. I know what will trigger me and what I can handle. I can handle baking if I have a plan. Brush teeth, chew gum, clean bowl, put it away or in the freezer. I can handle having trigger foods in the house (which for me, is pretty much all food that is delicious) if I’ve had enough to eat, a plan, and positive actions throughout the day.

I know that if I don’t have a plan for my day, I overeat. I know that if my plan is to eat one cookie, and I eat two instead, I will eventually find myself full from and justifying my tenth cookie.

Interestingly enough my most productive days are easiest for me not to overeat. Overeating is not an isolated event. It’s my default when I don’t know what to do. When I feel lost, I eat. When I feel lost, I am sad. When I am sad, I eat. When I eat too much I become unproductive. When I become unproductive, I become sad and then I eat.

My days are filled, because making things happen distracts me. It gives me direction. It keeps my hands and my mind busy and happy.

There is a part of me that worries that I cannot sustain being so mapped out forever, and I don’t disagree. I’m using busy as a distraction for now. I have my still moments, writing this for example is stillness for me. Creating is stillness. My grand hope is that the more I create and cultivate these habits of not turning to food, the easier it will become. I will have created a new neurological pathway. I don’t need to coddle or protect myself as much as I think I do. I can be uncomfortable. Yes, I need to value and cherish myself. Take time for myself. Figure myself out. But, pushing myself to be better and healthier does not have to be unnatural or punishing. It’s okay for me to tell myself “no”. It’s okay to plan and give myself the best possible outcome everyday.

I’ve always believed, on some level, that not giving in to my every whim or desire was in some way self punishing. In some way against who I am. That I would lose myself if I tried to be different or tried to be better. But I’m realizing that the opposite is true. Who I am, at my core, cannot be found in destructive behaviors. I am not my depression. I am not too much food. I am not someone who doesn’t make things happen for herself.  I am not tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I am not procrastination. I am not my need to be comfortable.

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General Weight Loss Tips

The Gift

In the past week and two days, I’ve had something major happen. The desire to overeat, or eat for the wrong reasons is slowly disappearing. This is not the time to be cocky about my actions (I’ve been there), but at the very least thoughtful and aware of them. Fighting the urge to overeat, for me, is a task that has consumed me most of my life.

And yet, when I cut out the food that calls to me, the battle disappears. I know right now that I have a five pound bag of sugar in the pantry. Right next to the flour. I know that I have butter in the refrigerator and muffins in the freezer. It’s not that these things are bad or I think they are to blame. But, it’s nice to know that I can live in harmony with these things in my kitchen.

Knowing that I’m only 10 minutes away from freshly baked cookies or bread, does not consume because I know that I won’t be eating them. Or even making them for that matter. But to say sure, I’ll  have a couple. Which inevidebly turns into, go ahead and have a few. And finally, screw this, I’ll start over tomorrow. All the while wondering if any other human being has ever consumed 12 cookies in one sitting. Or an entire frozen pizza. Or cake or pie or a sweet apple crumble.

It’s nice not to be a contender in the tug of war that is me against whatever it is I’m trying not to overeat. Whatever concoction I can come up with in my kitchen when I just need a little something sweet. Because I’ve been good. Because I’ve had a hard day. Or because gosh darnit I deserve a little dessert.  A mug full of microwave cocoa, butter and sugar. I’ve done it, oh yes I have.  But, it’s never, or I should say rarely a little dessert for me. A little taste. A no thank you “it’s too rich for me”.  I have not tasted, I’ve consumed.

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been trying to lose weight wanting to be that person. Wanting to be the person who already fought and won. Wanting to be the person maintaning. Figuring it out. Having a little something on the weekends, but still watching. I wanted to skip these steps of saying no or realizing that I can in fact live without so much sugar, and so much flour and so many potatoes. I can still find comfort and contentment in roasted vegetables and chicken, Indian curries and sauces, fluffy brown rice, sticky ribs right off the grill or crisp apples dipped in almond butter.

But I know that I need a game plan for the day that I do eat a little sugar or warm bread dipped in olive oil, or a pizza right out of the brick oven. Those days are inevitable. But they don’t have to derail or consume me. Overeating doesn’t always have to be my default. Overeating does not define me. I’m not pretending this day will not come. There is no guilt in the pleasure of food. In savoring and indulging for a special occasion. I’m okay with that day down the road. But I’m so happy to be on this current road.

A road where I don’t have to decide not to have a snack of nuts because they have too many calories. Or a day where I’m not measuring out portions of salad dressing and chicken. Because I know, that these are not foods I punish myself with. When I’ve had enough I simply stop.

I don’t have to be maddening about this at all, and I love that. I love for food, on most days, to be an after thought. I want to be consumed with my work, my latest project, writing, creating intricate jewelry. I want my days to be filled with walks or jogs. I want them to be filled with sweat from dancing. I am excited to have tasted the freedom, the freedom of getting wrapped up in anything and everything that doesn’t revolve around food.

Taking care of myself, I’ve realized, is not sacrifice. It’s a little gift that I give to myself every single day. The gift that used to be food is now replaced with life.

 

 

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